The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, That's not so serious, Sister
Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."









A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to
unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good
venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising
manager. The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my
wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans,
red beans..."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of
prime advertising time?" The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be
willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks." "$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your
mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl!
For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting
around."










Test to get into heaven

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a
concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter
said;
"But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have
been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, “Is, which two days of the week start with
the letters 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest,
and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought.
I expect you to do the same.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure
Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of
February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer
to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question
absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."

"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?"

Forrest replied,"Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"

"It's Andy."

"It's Andy??"

"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest,
asked."Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his
billy boiled ..."


And Forrest entered Heaven!





If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I
want to go where they
went." - Will Rogers


"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can
spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the
best deal man has ever
made" - M. Facklam


"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix
love and hate." -
Sigmund Freud


"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he
wags his tail instead of
his tongue." - Anonymous


"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they
keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper,
containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are
especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry


"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog." -
Franklin P. Jones


"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough
exercise." - Unknown


"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees
us peeing in his water
bowl." - Penny Ward Moser


"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three times
before lying down." - Robert Benchley


"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room
furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in
the conversation." - Fran
Lebowitz


"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious
cult." - Rita Rudner


"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are
wonderful." - Ann Landers


"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a
puppy licking your face." -
Ben Williams


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves
himself." - Josh Billings


"The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person." - Andrew A.
Rooney


"Ever consider what they must think of us? I
mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul --
chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler


"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is
that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few
persons." - James Thurber


"Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to
go and talk to the minister right away. They agree
and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that
our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies
go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away
and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either
comin' or goin'!"



The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were!


10
These days, you get winded just
turning down the blanket.

9
"Five times in one night" now
means that your overactive
bladder syndrome is acting up again.

8
Bob Dole sends you an FTD
"Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.

7
Then ~ "Where's Waldo?"
played in bed with your pendulous babe;
Now ~ "Where's Waldo?" played
in bathroom with your pendulous
stomach.

6
Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl"
position now lands you in traction
for a week.

5
Then ~ She slipped gently into sleep
after spending 30 minutes in a
post-orgasmic stupor.
Now ~ She says you're blocking her view of the TV.

4
It takes six Viagra just to play hard to get.

3
Your mother doesn't knock on the
bathroom door and express her
concern nearly as often as she used to.

2
You can still make her eyes roll
back in her head, but now it's out
of annoyance.

1
Your response to a cute, 16-year-old
high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly?
"GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Fishing or %$@)&#^ ?
First of all, you clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your
rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while
not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that
there are no kinks or any wear.
Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait,

and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~










Little Johnny was strolling down the road when he
passed a sport shop. He saw a Calgary Flames
jersey, and he picked it up and put it on.

He continued to stroll down the street when a
pedophile pulled up next to him and asked if he
needed a lift.

"Oh Yes Sir" Little Johnny said, and jumped into
the car.

Soon the pedophile asked, "Little boy, do you
know what masturbation is?"

"No sir" replied Little Johnny.

"Do you know what copulation is?" asked the
pedophile.

"No sir" he replied again.

"Do you know what fornication is?" asked the
pedophile.

"No sir" he said once again.

"Would you like to suck my cock?" asked the
pedophile.

Little Johnny looked at the shirt he was wearing,
looked at the pedophile and said "I'm not really a
Calgary Flames player, sir, I just stole this jersey!"

Kite Flying
 

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing back down. Watching him from the kitchen
window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail."
He shouts back, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

This ol' gal goes into the pharmacy and looks around each isle
carefully. Meanwhile the pharmacist is noticing her, so he goes over
and asks,"Miss,can I help you find something?"

"Well", she stammers,"Do you have any petroleum jelly with teflon in
it?"
He gives her a funny look and shakes his head no then proceeds to
ask,"Why?".
"Well, the next time me and the old man ****, I wanna make sure the
meat don't stick like last time."
================================================== ===========
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word
"dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the
class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog." Steven
raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
================================================== ===========
A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little
Johnny having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," Little Johnny replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young
fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a
leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said
Little Johnny.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her ****, dry and stretch it, then dress it in a
blue uniform and call it a cop!"
================================================== ===========
Dear Diary,

I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was
when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true.
It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after
an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked
her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery.
She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an
angel of light delivering divine revelation.

"Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I
believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and
love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in
our children, in everything! I believe all things in life
turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly."

"Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and
sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that
shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the
combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil."
================================================== ===========
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
================================================== ===========
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
================================================== ===========
There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective
sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in
the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching
nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to
be on your side of the river!"

"Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and
you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled
back.

The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!
When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
==================================
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in third grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So
together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word.
The word was "clock." Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.
His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L."
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newlywed blonde wife went to her mother in tears. "Mommy Ted is
very angry with me."
"Why " asked mom Earlier this week I made him a special dinner;
a turkey breast roll, and he got upset at the expense."
"But they only cost 8 dollars" she replied
"Yeah I know it was the return plane ticket to Alaska that made him
angry" she said
"Why did you have to go to Alaska?" she queried
Blonde wife replied "The instructions on the package said remove from
plastic wrapper. Cook in frozen state."
================================================== ===========
I tell ya, I don't get no respect;
Especially from my wife. She's a real *****.
She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.
========================================
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys the Bible, and you know her eyesight has failed her to the point

that she can no longer read.. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but
it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I
live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home
all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "you were the only son to

have the good sense to know what your mother likes.......
That chicken was delicious."

The CIA
 

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly
classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive
background check, training, and testing before candidates are even
considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and
completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three
most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would
determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men
administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a
closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that
you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the
circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You
can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well,
then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the
instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the
door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man
handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't
kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The
CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take
your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her
a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your
assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside
this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and
kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door
closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose.
For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture
crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and
said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat
him to death with the chair!"

Another Genie Story -----
 

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out
pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge
and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil
tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works.
You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not
going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks
about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I
were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's
your second wish." "My second wish is that were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that
no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon!

What's the moral of the story? If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached!

The Pet
 

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box,and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there
was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a
few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and
having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few
minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more
time; this time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and shouting,"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have
a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS..................
 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5
minutes

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for
nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma’am,
you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he’s an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what’s the girl’s name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What’s the boy’s
name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew

Golf lessons.......
 

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your
wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says
"Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.
"That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."

The Talking Dog
 

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into

the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I

wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the

dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff he told you."

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream."
She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my toast."

A Plea for Help!
Your help is needed!
A Plea for Help!
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price
plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both
great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our
greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our
very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary,
but it's a start, and every little bit will help!
Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you,
seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage
payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old
Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed
to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere
in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen
expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked
below:

[ ] Infielder
[ ] Outfielder
[ ] Starting Pitcher
[ ] Ace Pitcher
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute) [ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day) Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture
of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income
Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly
on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
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Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F%*&-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

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Some new investment terminology guidelines:
 

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high a! nd selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
step off the plane.
STANDARD &POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd
bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat.
Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."
And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh
make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my
leg and we'd go home.*


That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience
with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public
toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toiletsknow
when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse
their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance.


The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder
is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length
feature film. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke,
then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even
if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the
pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the
leading man's naked derriere.


So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until thatfirst credit
rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all* over
your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that
makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their
legs and smiling politely.


And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors.
Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall
doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet.


Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You
hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.
Relief. More relief.


Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it,
so you hold* The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an
eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach
*for the toilet paper.* Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty.* Your thighs shake more.* You remember the tiny napkin you
wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn.* It would have to do. You
crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and
your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for
the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward,
directly onto the toilet seat.


You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact
with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid
down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time
to.* And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her* bare
bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't* know what
kind of diseases you could get."


And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force
that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged
to China.


At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the
splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chiclet
wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.**
You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you
wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind
soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River.
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman'ss hand and say
warmly, "Here. You might need this."


At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his
bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
"What took you so long?" he asks annoyed. This is when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.















HANDY USES FOR A CONDOM

*Hair tie

*Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs

*Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)

*Neat travel case for your toothbrush

*Wet suit for a ferret

*Finger puppets

*Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders

*Rubber boot for a peg leg

*Latex toe warmers

*Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors

*Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation.

*Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood

*To keep candles dry when camping

*Build your own incredible "Water Weenies" ...(my fav of them all)

*To quickly fill water pistols

*Bicycle tire tube

*Change purse

*Goodyear Blimp model

*For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

*Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup









Senior Citizen's pickup lines:


"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place
like...where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too
much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire
pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about
coming home with me and... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

THE POLISH INTELLIGENCE TEST

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that
seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like
you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart
trouble.____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east
____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass
____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums
____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend
____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese
____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning
____TRUE____FALSE








An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for
newlyweds is to remain virgins
until they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's house on
their wedding night.

After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The
man went up stairs and
the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up
there."

Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well."

When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.

She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"

Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will
treat you well."

When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.

She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!"

Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will
treat you well."

When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his
foot was missing. She ran
downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mom said, "Stay here! This is a job for Mamma!"


















10 reasons a handgun is better than a woman
>

10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.

9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be
impressed
and let you try a few rounds with it.

7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space and doesn't
require 200
pairs of shoes..

4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done
using it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in
the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and
here is
a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good
time
in heaven."


Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song
in his
heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a
sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial
music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.


He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.
Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
But,
there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music
and I,
Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
















A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to
carry it to the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup
he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No!"

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."


















Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both dogs!

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?









Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."







My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat
pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's
the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red
ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for
afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem,"
said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"












A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a IRS ID badge and
dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and
it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a ****su, would it be called a bull****?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Why if it is 2 AM in Japan,,,and 2 PM in Paris....am I sleepy in Chicago ?












There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had
his ear to the wall, listening. The Dr. Cohen would watch this
guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard
nothing.

He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear
anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah doc, I know. It's been like that
for months."











Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat ***** every Thanksgiving!











Beer Truck : Take a beer and send the truck to all of your
friends!!!!

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___| )
(@!)!(@)"""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and
that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next
five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went
with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was
with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes
and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did." They both shook their heads in
understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos
could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They
asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life
(and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one
thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn
income taxes!"









An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman
They are all playing golf with their wives
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and she bends over to place her
ball.

A gust of wind blows her skirt up ad reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's 5 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear.


Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no
knickers
- why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He
reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 2 pounds,
go and buy yourself some underwear!".


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. Hoot lassie! Why d'ye
have no knickers? She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping
money to be able to afford any".

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency
here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).

2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting
to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets,
or my farm animals) if I just click there.

4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.

5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.

6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose
their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it
with a hundred horny dwarfs...

Just click here and here and purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the
same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.

8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,
stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of
Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

WHAT A COUNTRY........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OLD GEEZER TEST

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?

a . On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor, left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. What was it used for?

a. Capture lightning bugs.

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter

b. Chocolate-licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. eny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?

a. A cold

b. VD

c. Cooties

12. I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajeweac.

c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupils' name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song Cabdriver a hit?

a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett

b. Zavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the 60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Cooties.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with
mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````````````````
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties
========================================
Driving to the work this morning I happened to look over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new bright red BMW
doing at least 85 MPH with her face pressed up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner would you believe! I looked away
for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup !!!

I dont mind saying, It scared the **** out of me so bad , I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In
all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear, which fell into the coffee mug between my legs, splashed all over the place and burned "Big Jim and the Twins",
ruined the damn phone and... DISCONNECTED A
VERY IMPORTANT CALL!!!

FRIGGIN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
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