Nice Bird


A little ol' lady went to a pet shop, and told the storekeeper she
wanted "a parrot that says polite things only".

The petshop owner showed her a little bird with a string hanging from
each of its little feet. "When you pull the right string the parrot says
the 10 Commandments, and the left one makes him say the Lord's Prayer,"
said the owner.

This was just the kind of pet the lady wanted! So she bought the bird
and took it home.

Once home, she went over the string instructions, and then wondered out
loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrot looked at her and said, "I'd fall on my ass, ya dummy!"









OMEN ARE LIKE NEWSPAPERS BECAUSE...

- Older ones are not in demand.

- They're well worth looking over.

- They have a great deal of influence.

- You can't believe everything they say.

- They always have the last word.

- You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's.






Calcium

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long







The Top 12 Signs Your Pilot Is
Drunk



12> Asks if anyone wants to be the designated
pilot for today's
flight.

11> Announces over the intercom, "Get ready --
it's time to stir
our drinks again," then rolls the plane.

10> Your non-stop to Atlanta included a stop-over

at a Kroger's
in Cincinnati to get some more limes.

9> Goes into a vertical climb to see if he can
urinate all the
way to the rear bulkhead without hitting
anyone.

8> [*Ding*] "You are now free to move about my
pants."

7> Inside of the cockpit windshield is covered
with saliva from
making the "Pbbbbbttt!" noise as he steers.

6> "Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the
left of the plane,
you'll see me hocking a loogie into the Grand

Canyon."

5> Flies the Concorde at 30 miles per hour so he

won't get
pulled over.

4> "Okay, now everyone in coach: 'Show me the
way to go
home...'"

3> Makes dire warning announcements regarding
turbulence, then
farts into the microphone.

2> "This is your Captain speaking, and I just
wanna say...
I LOVE YOU. No, I'm serious, man. I LOVE
YOU GUYS!"


1> Dares anyone to light their shoe on fire.






A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He
finally
found one that appealed to his interests. At the
interview,
he was asked, "Do you have any military
experience?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the
Marines for
a couple of years."

"I see," said the interviewer, "any
disabilities?"

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily.
"Well... In
the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my
legs,
blowing off my testicles."

The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right,
you're
hired. Please report to work on Monday at
10:00am."

"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the
others start?
I don't want any special treatment just because
of my
disability."

The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you
the truth.
Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning,
but nothing
gets done until 10. All we do is sit around,
scratching our
nuts trying to figure out what to do."

A LETTER TO MY LOVING WIFE - THE INTERNET
JUNKIE!:

SUBJECT: Update!
DATE: 03/13/00
FROM: hubby@homealone.com
TO: wife@youarelost.com

Dear Wife....

I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on
the events of
our family. I tried to talk to you while you were
on your computer, but you
just kept telling me that you would
BRB.....whatever that means. So, I
decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one
you bounce on your knee
while typing. Remember how he giggles when he
hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry
about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on
your keyboard. Is it
working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can
you read the letters I tried
to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had
been rubbed off.

Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had
a good time and said to
thank you for letting them use your car. She put
the keys back on the key
rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them.
Do you realize that she
wears the same size clothes as you do? In case
you've forgotten her, she's
the one who has you raise your feet when she's
running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football. He looks forward to
going to school now that he has
a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would
come to one of his games if
we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you
remember him? He's the one who
empties your porta potty for you.

Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3
months ago), the
refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died
from old age, your mother and
dad painted the room where your computer is (hope
you like the color), the
church has a new pastor, the President has been
impeached, and oh yes..... I
have a new job.

Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you
again in about 3 months. You
take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you
very much and will see you
the next time the power goes off!

Love,
Your Husband

************************************************** ************************************************

A LETTER TO MY LOVING HUSBAND - THE INTERNET
JUNKIE!:

SUBJECT: Monthly Report
DATE: 03/13/00
FROM: wife@lonely.com
TO: hubby@home_alone.com

Dear Hubby,

Honey, we need to talk! "DON'T" click another URL
until you've read this...
please.

Since you're always busy, I'm using the computer
at the library to send you
this email. It's been months since you've spent
anytime with the family.
Actually, we are all getting a little worried
about you. Your legs won't
straighten out and your eyes are blood red now. I
really think you should
stop sleeping in that chair even though we did
have it made into a recliner
with a keyboard tray and extra padding.

Remember when I wanted your attention and put too
much Viagra in your
coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having
twins. Have you recovered
from that exhausting few days yet? I haven't
.....and will "NEVER" do that
again no matter how lonely I get!

Oh yes.....the doctor said the catheter has to
come out hun. You can't leave
it in there any longer. You'll have to stop and
go to the bathroom or start
using your urinal again. Sorry! And.......the
leak wasn't the
waterbed.....we don't have a waterbed!

The kids are all fine. I loaded their school
pictures on your web site so
you can see how much they have grown. Click on
the button that says
"Surprise, we've grown up". Jack said he'd trim
your beard for you next
week. Susie felt so bad when she upset your lunch
on the keyboard. Bless her
heart, she's like your mother....she's a few
fries short of a complete Happy
Meal but she tries. I hope everything is working
okay now.

Oh yes, you don't need to worry about the mouse I
wanted you to kill. I got
him with one of your golf clubs. The club is a
little bent now.....hope that
doesn't hurt it. It's kind of like a kinked
slinky.

I'll write again once the twins are born. Ed, our
insurance salesman, is
taking me and the kids on a trip so take care.
We'll be back in a couple of
weeks. Remember not to put both contact lenses in
the same eye!

Love,
Your Wife











Subject:
How would TV react if Elvis died this week?
Date:
Fri, 16 Aug 2002 16:46:30 -0400
From:
"The Girl Connor"
Organization:
are you kidding?
Newsgroups:
rec.arts.tv




Noel Holston On Television
Newsday
Just a Big Hunk o' Media Love
If Elvis died today, he'd get a sendoff truly fit for a king

After Elvis Presley was found dead in his Graceland bathroom 25 years
ago
tomorrow, a veteran Hollywood agent, upon hearing the news, notoriously
is
supposed to have quipped, "Good career move."

It did seem that way at the time. Elvis' movie-starring days were over,
as
was his late-1960s recording renaissance. On the concert stage, he was
bloated, bleary and barely going through the familiar martial-arts
motions.
The karate kid moved more like a sumo wrestler. What better career move
could there have been for him than departing this mortal coil and
leaving
his legacy to the marketers, the biographers and the tabloid newspapers,

whose stringers or readers seemed to spot him leaving a Dairy Queen or
a7-Eleven every other week?

Now I'm not so sure the "career move" was that good. If timing is
anything,
Elvis could have done better. He could have died younger, like his idol,

James Dean, and thus been fixed in our consciousness exclusively as a
rock
and roll Adonis with a curling lip and an incorrigible hip. But if his
heart
had held out another couple of decades, he could have reaped the full
benefits of a multichannel, celebrity-obsessed TV universe.

Can you imagine what it would be like if Elvis had lived long enough to
die
this week? As it is, there'll be Elvis movies and specials all over the
dial
commemorating the 25th anniversary of his death. Even a broadcast
network
such as NBC, which long ago left Elvis movies to the likes of TBS and
AMC,
has acquired one of his better flicks - the loosely biographical "Loving

You" - and is packaging it Saturday night with a "Dateline" special
about
his lasting impact on popular culture.

That sad day in 1977, Walter Cronkite didn't even lead "The CBS Evening
News" with a report of Elvis' death. Uncle Walter, that old journalistic

fuddy-duddy, thought the signing of the Panama Canal Treaty was more
important.

If Elvis had lived long enough to die this week, rest assured he
wouldn't
take a back seat on any network newscast to any event short of another
terrorist attack on U.S. soil or an invasion of Iraq. And that wouldn't
be
the half of it.

Think how the media responded to John F. Kennedy Jr.'s death. He didn't
have
anywhere near the hold on American hearts and psyches that the King did.

Think how the media responded to the death of George Harrison. And he
wasn't
even an American. He wasn't even a primary Beatle.

No, the death of Elvis would have TV pumping on all cylinders. CNN,
MSNBC
and Fox News Channel would be falling over themselves - and stepping on
each
other - to fill the hours of round- the-clock coverage. Larry King would

listen sympathetically to Elvis' old flames and "Memphis Mafia" buddies.

Geraldo Rivera would sneak inside Graceland's walls, perhaps reporting
live,
via mini-transmitter, from the singer's private vault. CNBC would be
analyzing the tycoonery of business enterprises such as Elvis'
Heartbreak
Hotel in Memphis.

Cable's vintage movie channels would stage marathons - AMC the
interchangeable Hollywood musicals, Turner Classic Movies the artier
black-and- whites like "King Creole," Turner South the Westerns.

HGTV would replay an old Graceland-tour special all through the night.
On
the Food Network, Emeril would do live demonstrations of how to make
Elvis
dietary staples like fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

A&E would trot out its two- hour "Biography," VH1 its "Behind the Music"

report, featuring testimonials from other rock stars who've struggled
with
weight and drugs.

QVC would clear the decks for days and days of Elvis memorabilia-hawking
and
set a record for sales of gold chains and commemorative dinner plates.
BET
would host a discussion of whether Elvis stole from black R&B artists or

helped them reach a much larger audience.

As for the broadcast networks, the bosses of their news divisions know
full
well that, unfaithful as many viewers may be in the cable era, they tend
to
come back to the old reliables in times of crisis or grief. They would
treat
Elvis nice. They would treat him like the American idol he was. They
would
treat him like a cash cow. Dan Rather would slip into his good ol'
anchor
mode and swap Elvis stories with Sun Records' Sam Phillips. Tom Brokaw
would
dwell on how Elvis didn't shirk from Uncle Sam's call to duty. Peter
Jennings would focus on Elvis' international impact. Not only would
"Dateline" weigh in on his life and legacy, but so would "60 Minutes,"
"48
Hours," "20/20" and "The Pulse."

Fox, meanwhile, would throw together a special edition of "American
Idol"
featuring the wanna-be superstars warbling the Elvis song of their
choosing.
And even Simon Cowell wouldn't have a nasty thing to say.

If Elvis died today, there would be no such thing as too much.

Connor
--

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES......

Child Birth Counseling... from Hawkins DM

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. So
they decided to visit
a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents
and carefully
explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in
various ways and
terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the
examination table, removed all her clothing, and had
intercourse with her. (Tsk, tsk, tsk!) He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?"

"Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one
question."

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor
squawked, "Yes, what is it now?"

"How often do I have to bring her in?"








A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly visit to the doctor.
The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her,

"Yes my name is Timmy." "And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy. "And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "It's Tammy." "That is great," the doctor told
Timmy. Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "It is daddy." Finally the doctor asked,
"And what does mommy call him?" Timmy looked up innocently and
replied, "Asshole."
================================================== ===========
What Gender Is It?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always

see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons
are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male.
But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest plan to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains
of Afghanistan and eliminate them is to send in a team of Alabama
Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Bugger and Cooter are being sent in
with the following info about the Taliban:

1. There is no bag limit.

2. The season opened last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.

5. Some are queer.

6. They don't like barbecue.

7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week. Don't you think?
================================================== ===========
Life with Men is like a deck of cards......
You need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them;
a Club to beat them;
and a Spade to bury the bastards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do.
What did you tell him?"
"I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss
off two?'"
================================================== ===========
SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool
your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening

experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling
the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
================================================== ============
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second
one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 14 Ways to Commemorate the
25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death

14> Ingest the annual drug output of Bogota; ask W. to make you
a special DEA agent.

13> Form a coast-to-coast chain of fans joined at the pelvis.

12> Try not to think about stroking out while taking a dump.

11> Practice a little self love ... tenderly.

10> Go to Hawaii and win a big speedboat race, earning enough
money to save your girlfriend's family business. Proceed
to make out with Ann-Margret.

9> Have Sonny and Red beat you senseless for looking at Priscilla.

8> Burn his likeness onto a tortilla, then leave it lying around
for the housekeeper to find.

7> Fry up a batch of peanut-butter-and-Quaalude sandwiches.

6> Wear a sequined uniform while on duty at the Post Office.

5> Place a picture of Michael Jackson next to one of Lisa Marie.
Climb into coffin. Spin.

4> Fire off a 21-television salute.

3> Pull out those blue suede shoes and use them to beat the
Backstreet Boys to unrecognizable pulp.

2> Dig up Richard Nixon's corpse and shake his hand.

and The Number 1 Way to Commemorate
the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death...


1> Order an "Elvis Memorial Death-Day Sterling Silver Stool"
from the Franklin Mint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up
on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying
on
the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the
tools
to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto
shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still.
How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is
a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-- strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me,"
she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She
stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?"






Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on
board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more
sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road.
But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told
him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by
a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."












l
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two
blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he
looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead!

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods, and it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I
can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love in. I can understand him wanting to be a
millionaire, but why he wanted to be HUNG like a black man is beyond me!"

l







One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they
could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!"
said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little
Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The
teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I
heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."













Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he couldonly deliver one wish,not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrickblurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to
pee in the boat."

















An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You
folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting, dirty obscene filth!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added." "Vile, gratuitous sex!""Then why did you sit through it twice?" asked the usher.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied.
"We couldn't find my knickers, and his teeth were in them!"

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wifescreamed.

"I'm cutting you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."









Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman
were sitting naked in
the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained,
"That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my
hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be
outdone, he decided he had to
do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He
returns with a piece of
toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows.
"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a
fax."









A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He
approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the
facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and
back he'd lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on
one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the
man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor
before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get
it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if
he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with
sex."

The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand
screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go!' "
=================================
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says

"Today we are going

to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody

have an example of a

multi-syllable word?"


Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny,

that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking

of a blowjob."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definitely a Gashole!
Yourbigfun.com http://www.yourbigfun.com/giggles/fartingclown/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
She sneezes

Why did the blonde put ice in her boyfriends condom?
To keep the swelling down.

A trucker stops for red light on a winter afternoon and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of you
load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The
trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says
"Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for
still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of
breath. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He
dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker
gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on Monday by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by floating
motionless in the water and
allowing only the channel currents to carry her across.

This unique feat has only been previously attempted on three occasions, all ending in failure. After her crossing, which took 2 days, 17
hours, and 43 minutes to
accomplish, Miss Radford-St John said "I never doubted for a moment that I would make it. I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It
really is a dream come
true for me."


The accompanying file photo shows Helen in training for her record feat.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate
influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as
when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in
bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I
could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
================================================== ===========
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The very next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum
Ting Wong."
================================================== ===========
THREE WOMEN ARE SITTING MAKED IN THE SAUNA. SUDDENLY A BEEPING SOUND.

THE FIRST LADY PRESSES HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPS. THE OTHERS
LOOK AT HE VERY CURIOUSLY.

"THATS MY PAGER," SHE SAYS. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RINGS. THE SECOND WOMEN LIFT HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHES SHE EXPLAINS, "THAT'S MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.

THE THIRD WOMAN, FEELING DECIDEDLY LOW-TECH, STEPS OUT OF THE SAUNA.
IN A FEW MINUTES SHE RETURNS WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM
HER BUTT.

THE OTHER RAISE THEIR EYEBROWS.

"OH, EXCUSE ME, I'M GETTING A FAX"
================================================== ==========
1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
================================================== ===========
Dr Jim the proctologist got tired of his job and decided to become a
motorcycle mechanic. At motorcycle mechanics school, he took his first
test.
For a possible 100 points, he had to take a motorcycle engine apart and

put it back together. After the test he checked his score, and the
instructor had awarded Jim 150 points! So Jim asks the instructor how
he got 150 points on a 100 point test.
"Well Jim, you took the engine apart with no
problems, so I gave 50 points". "Then you put the engine back together
and it ran as good as new, so I gave you another 50 points". "The extra
50 points is for doing the whole job through the exhaust pipe!"
================================================== ===========
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then
changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing
yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable
friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela
Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a
bar. A guy walks in and
asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell sitting over
there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this
is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to
happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140
million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the
shoulder and says, "See smart ass!
I told you no one would worry about the 140
million Iraqis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A VERY INTELLIGENT MAN

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his Mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand George went to the American
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for
proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the Mother-in-law, told George,
"My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars.

The Consul continues, "In most of these cases the person responsible
for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only
cost $150.00 dollars.

George thinks for some time and answers the Consul, I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do.

The Consul after hearing this says, "You must have loved your Mother-in-law
very much considering the difference in price from $5,000.00 and $150.00
dollars."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many
years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem and on the third day
He was resurrected; consequently, I do not want to take that chance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become
attracted to each
other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see
the second man there."Now
we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watch tower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the
couple on the ground are
placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no
screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before
the wife and her new
friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Huge 300lbs. woman walks in to a tattoo shop and asks the artist: Woman (southern accent): "Sir could you do a tattoo of Iron Mike Tyson
on this leg?" "And
another of Mohammed Ali on this leg?"
Man: "Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat."
A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product. The woman takes a look at the tattoo for a while and
says, "Well sir we have
a problem, this doesn't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell doesn't look like Mohammed Ali."
The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lbs. woman"...he
sits for a little longer and
comes up with a solution. He tells the woman, "Ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if
that tattoo looks like Tyson
and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him:
Woman: "Sir does this
look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"
Drunk: Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice), "Naw sure don't." Woman: Well ok now, "Does this look anything like Mohammed
Ali to you?"
Drunk: Taking another sip says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..
================================================== ====
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy
is to dismount. In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such
as.....
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living,impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increasethe speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighterriders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries loweroverhead, and therefore contributes
substantially more tothe bottom line
of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisoryposition.
15. And one more very effective way to get more out of a dead horse: Hire some auditors to cook thebooks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. - - -

I was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn't realize he had just turned 55. When I asked what his wife gave him for his
birthday, he replied, "Same
old thing, a pair of socks and a piece of ass--neither of which fit." - - -

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such
nonsense?" replied his
mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his
secretary." - - -

Vacation is that time of year when you get away from the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy some trials and tribulations with
your own family.

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the
office viewed the scene in
sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head. "Noooo....Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete
blocks." - - -

More Favorite Bumper Snickers:
BETTER TO LOSE A LOVER, THAN LOVE A LOSER.

Seen on an old man's car at Misquamicut Beach, RI - If girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they smell like anchovies?

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

If G-d didn't mean for ***** to be eaten, why did he make it look like a taco? - - -

When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own age,
the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good businessthan a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20 Types of Men You Might Meet In The Men's Room:
EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the
sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around, and usually pisses on the floor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick
inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in
his
pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
~~~~~~~~~~
What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?
Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time? - - -

Sex Quiz..... 1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the videostore:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. by children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this *****?
18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Viagra Diaryies

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked
himself in the
bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he
tell me something I don't
know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he
takes Viagra, things will be just
like they were on our wedding night. He said, this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his
Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to
lift something other than his mood.

Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were
talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . .

Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Sore as hell. . . .

Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down
with hardcider! The photo of
Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over . .

Day 11. The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in
Hamlet and he thought it was
"The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12. OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning
hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13. I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even
yawning has become
dangerous . . . .

Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a
scud missile. Let's hope he's
not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,sorry" butt-thing again, I'm
gonna kill him.

Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me, "Sister Wendy"
makes "Father Woody" want
to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he want to. . . . stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the
casket. I'm starting to adhere to
everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to **** himself. . . . he
did. He must die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat
next to him.
She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five
just walked in. And he's
got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the marriage is dead... why not bury it...

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag,
and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A parrot developed the bad habit of humping the farmer's hens, making them quit laying.
The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again
catches the parrot humping a hen,
and snatches the parrot bald.

The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them
where to go. She had spent
nearly a year training the parrot for this.

As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right!
Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken- humpers get up here with me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart
attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to
save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're from a Small Rural Town if...
- You can name everyone you graduated with.
- You know what 4-H is.
- You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middleof a dirt road
.- You used to drag "main."
- You said the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.
- You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
- You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
- You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
- It was cool to date someone from the neighbouring town.
- You had senior skip day.
- The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
- You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks eas tAnderson's, and it's
four houses left of the track
field).
- The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
- You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
- Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise
- You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1960 as the"rich people."
- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
- Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
- Directions are given using "the" gas station as a reference.
- The city council meets at the coffee shop.
- Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
- Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pullover and ask if you need a ride.
- Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
- You can charge at all the local stores.
- The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
- So is the closest mall.
- It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, after he persuaded her to
disrobe in his hotel
room, he found out she had a superb body as well.
Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed,
munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled,"Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a *****. Now I know why
they call you a prick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go
home
right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your dick off?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between baseball and politics?
A: In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a cow and a lesbian?
A. Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold, with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of G-d creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks."

The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."

The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk."

The parrot said, "Show me your tits."

The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator.

After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."

Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."

The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened.

She was quite annoyed.

This time she put him in the freezer.

There was a turkey in the freezer.

The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Have Sinned

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented
to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her
up with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know
how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GIVING A LIFT

A priest was driving along and saw a
nun on the side of the road he stopped
and offered her a lift, which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing the habit to open and
reveal a lovely leg.

The Priest had a look and nearly had
an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately
said, "Father; remember Psalm 129? "

The priest was flustered and apologized
profusely. He forced himself to remove
his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further
on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said "Father,
remember Psalm 129".

Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak".

Arriving at the convent, the nun got
out, gave him a meaningful glance
and went her way. On his arrival at
his Church, the priest rushed up
to retrieve the Bible and looked
up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up you will find Glory".

MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB.
OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most
old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and
their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.

And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the
worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise
looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided
to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said
the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so
loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife
was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth
she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's
wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch
her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite
your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool,
but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of
"Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief
explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in
English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
"Nag, Nag, Nag."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A really conceited guy is screwing a really conceited girl; "Tight , aren't I ?" says the girl
"No" ,says the guy, "Just full !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.....
A prick is the guy who owns it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?"
I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
SWMSTOSOG - Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight
One Gay - desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR - Single White
Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To
Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one
must be on my right, her left -- or willing to stand on head. Must be
Baptist. Box 3755.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sincere Offer To The Women Of America:From Uncle GeorgeIn light of the recent U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruling that the words "Under God" are
unconstitutional, I offer my name for you to use during the throes of orgasm, real or fake. Now, instead of shouting "Oh God!" you have my permission to scream
"Oh Uncle George!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you know your gay if........

10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him
to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she
got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

On Being a Man

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work . . . more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45 minutes.

Damn, it's Good to be a Man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
New Products In The Viagra Line
==========================

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing
men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long
car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special
prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ `
Down for Dinner

It seems that a young couple
had just gotten married and
spent their wedding night with
the young mans parents.

In the morning the mother got
up and prepared a lovely breakfast,
went to the bottom of the stairs
and called for them to come down
for breakfast. After a long wait
the family ate without the newlyweds.
The mother said "I wonder why they
never came down to eat."

The grooms young brother said
"Mommy, I think..."

"Oh shut up I don't want to hear
what you think!" said the mother,
not wanting to hear any inappropriate
comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again
prepared a wonderful meal and
again called the young couple to
eat. After another long wait the
family proceeded to eat, and after
the meal was completed the mother
once again said "I wonder why they
never came down to eat?" Once again
the younger brother started to speak,
but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the
mother cooked a very elaborate
meal, had the table set perfect
and called the newlyweds to join
the family for dinner. After another
long wait the mother once again
questioned why they had not come
downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said
"Mommy I think..." "Well what is
it that you think?" asked the
mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother
came down to get the vaseline last
night, he got my model plane glue instead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy Channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get
ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom
floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The July issue of ''Martha Stewart Living'' magazine has hit the newsstands,
and among its tasteful contents are a lovely feature and colorful photo spread
on a Bastille Day picnic, the French holiday that commemorates the day angry peasants stormed the Bastille
prison in 1789.

With questions rising over whether Stewart benefited from illegal insider
stock information on biotech company ImClone, the common folk are outraged again. Late-night talk show
hosts and cartoonists have been salivating over Stewart's imbroglio and the mere thought of the doyenne of
domesticity and perfection spending time in prison.

''So what happens if they take the Taste Queen off to Pokeyville for six to
ten?'' asks syndicated cartoonist Danziger in a recent op-ed page comic.

It may not be right. It may not be nice. It may not be a ''good thing,'' but
the thought of Stewart in the slammer lends itself to some intriguing ideas
for her magazine and television show. If the Chinese asylum seekers could
fashion American eagles out of toilet paper and magazines, imagine what
Stewart could do.

Martha's hard-time hints

Turn an ordinary prison garden into an extraordinary cutting garden.

Brighten up a small, confined space with radishes.

Learn how to tuck stylish square corners on a cot.

Seal those annoying drafts with a hot glue gun cleverly disguised as a plant
sprayer.

Go retro: Re-create the black-and-white prison suit for the exercise yard.

Grow plants in a recessed cell block window and other shady spots.

Make pretty cafeteria place-cards from Styrofoam cups.

Use your toothbrush to stencil concrete walls.

Make a new key chain for the warden who has everything.

What to give the cellmate who doesn't have anything.

Create exotic hand-shadow puppets on a flat wall.

Decorate the perfect Contraband Chocolate Cake.

Make your own outfit for your parole board hearing. Personalize your uniform
with bread crumb patterns.

Yes, you can create an intimate mood for a dinner party for 300.

Buy and sell from your cell.

Brighten a drab bunk bed with a billowy sheet canopy.

How to be your own best gal pal.

It is uncertain at this date what Stewart knew and when she knew it, but
whether it is deserved or not, the 60-year-old chairwoman and CEO of Martha
Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. has become the kind of rich celeb icon Americans love to hate. The notoriety
probably won't discourage Stewart's legions of fans from buying her popular magazine and she seems to
shrug off the media glare with aplomb.

As Marie Antoinette is said to have uttered, ''Let them eat cake.''

To which Stewart might add, ''As long as it's my recipe.''


~~

A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were
currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her
out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.

Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her
from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I
was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A prominent Hollywood producer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more
commonly
known as ' a trip
around the world '.
At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a a film director over a plot twist on a new television movie on which they were
working jointly.
The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!"
The producer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!"
And then he turned to the girl. "And you *****...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down
the back?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work;
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our jobto stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to
have dinner with."
Kathleen Mifsud

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." Ann Bancroft

"Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."
Bill Cosby

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
Rita Rudner

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after."
Benjamin Franklin

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
George Burns

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elaine Boosler

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
Phyllis Diller

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Henny Youngman

"At a party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ringon the wrong finger?'
The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
Anonymous

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are
beautiful." Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor,
Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a large revival meeting on the outskirtsof town, and at the appropriate corner there wasa large sign proclaiming...."If you are
weary ofsin and want to be
saved, turn here, go 100 yards,and come into the " Save The Sinners " revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smallersign...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy says to his girlfriend, "Do you know
the difference between a conversation and
making love?"

The girl says, "No."

"Then lie down," the guy says. "I wanna
talk to you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call two skunks 69-ing?
A: Odor eaters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike
up a conversation she
keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "you know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ `
The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked
over to the nurse who was
taking his vitals.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"

The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

A golfer on the PGA tour is playing in Japan...The first place prize is a million dollars....By the end of Sat. round he has a ten shot lead..He so excited that he asks his japanese caddy for a japanese hooker...The caddy say's No Problem ..So later that night a knock comes at the golfers door...The golfer lets the hooker in and pretty soon they start after it,but as soon as he's in she starts screaming E Ho E Ho........!!!!! The golfer is so excited he starts going harder and faster and she starts screaming even louder E Ho E Ho E Ho...........!!!!Finally she gets so loud with the E HOs that he puts a sock in her mouth ..Well this went on for all of 3 minutes and he finishes..The Hooker spits the sock out mumbling E Hoooo E Hoooo...Well the next day the golfer isn't doing so well and as he comes up to the 18th hole he looks up at the board and sees a 10 way tie for first ..He's bummed he sees his million being split 10 different ways...He rears back and makes the best shot of his life rips a hole in one and wins the tournament and the million...He's so excited that he won that he wants to say something in Japanese so he screams E HO E Ho..To which his caddy replies "No man that's not the wrong hole"

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,
"Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about
getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor,
"I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all
done in one shot. I don't want to have to come
back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw
in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the
doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady
bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those
are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"









A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help
him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their
journey to find the herd.
After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear
to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees
nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see
anything. How do you know buffalo come"?
The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."













When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis
had grown to nearly twenty inches in length. Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to
see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be
corrected through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs,
aren't you??!!"











Just when you thought that Irish jokes had gone away..........


PART ONE Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dats dem." The
clerk
comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a
peeper
bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are
high up in
the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "
Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off
the
cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straightdown for a few seconds followed by a SPLAT. As Paddy looks
over
the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin is too fockin dangerous for me."

PART TWO A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag. He
pulls a
parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says and
launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head
off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT! As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom Paddy shakes his head and says, "An
oim
never troyin dat parrotshooting noider."

PART THREE A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean (no relation here)
strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and has a peeper peeper bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls out a chicken, and launches
himself
off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping,
den
Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin hengliding."















One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
"God, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake,
but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create man for you...
But this man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical
needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, God?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

This was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan...and his subsequent response.



Mr Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr DeVries

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity.

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31
2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,

David L Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division




This is the actual response sent back

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to.

First of all, Mr Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner
and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the
beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do
to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful>where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L Tvedte

////////


It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him
drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them glances at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it.He turns to the
other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."The other one replies,
"It's working just fine. I'm down to
2 butts a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Turn

Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for
their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "We will
go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said Dick

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?"
asked Sandra .

"Uh huh," said Dick.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked
Sandra.

"That's right," said Richard, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.
One says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pfffffffffffffff"
A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pffffffffffffff"
A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pffffffffffffff"
The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!
The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AOL CAR
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell
phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car
dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his
first erection in years.

"Mum, get into bed!" he says.

She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils
away, washes her hands, gets into bed... but too late. Dad has
withered away.

"Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad, "next time
I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start
getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be
right."

A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell.
She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into
the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies
naked waiting for him. He looks her over and says,

"Get up, ya oversexed fool... the barn's on fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fishing Vs Women


1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. 2 hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the
same thing... but then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small
rodent!)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says
anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf
it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a
happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied,



"The balcony".










1. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading...
--(Henny Youngman)

2. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--(Frank Sinatra )

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
--(Ernest Hemingway)

4. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--(Stephen Wright )

5. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- (Brian O'Rourke )

6. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--(Benjamin Franklin)

7. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of workand their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
--(Jack Handy)



The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!


You are under arrest and....

1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)




Stockmarket Terms And Definitions


Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient
times before e-mail.

Day Trader: Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.

Broker: Poorer than you were in 1999.

"Buy, Buy:" A flight attendant making market recommendations
as you step off the plane.

Standard and Poor: Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance;
the wife gets no jewelry.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up
in a nut house.

Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.

Alan Greenspan: God.

Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan.





POTENTIAL TITLES FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN NOVELS:


"The Scuds of Wrath"
"A Tree Won't Grow in Bagdad"
"20,000 Leagues Under the Sand"
"A Tale of Two Smart Bombs"
"For Whom the Stealth Bomber Tolls"

And the final Saddam Hussein best selling title:

..."A Farewell to Arms...and Legs"






Points Worth Pondering

GUN 'REFRESHER' COURSE

A.. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a victim.
B.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
C.. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
D.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
E.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
F.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
G.. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
H.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
I.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
J.. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
K.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
L.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
M.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
N.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
O.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
P.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
R.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
S.. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
T.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
U.. A government that's afraid of its citizens, tries to control them.
V.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
W.. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
X .. If you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
Y.. The American Revolution wouldn't have happened with Gun Control.
Z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."

PLEASE PASS THIS 'REFRESHER' ON TO OTHER FREE CITIZENS BEFORE WE LOSE
ANY MORE FREEDOMS

Attached: A clip of Robin Williams from his recent show,
Live On Broadway, discussing the invention of golf.
HYSTERICALLY funny; NOT for the easily offended!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Difficult Words To Say When You're Drunk


Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution

Impossible Words To Say When You're Drunk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impossible Words To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me, thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening, officer.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did they call that herd of wild oxen that developed
vertigo after migrating from Tibet to Kenya?
A: Afro Dizzy Yaks.

Q: Why are redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?
A: The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

Q: What's the definition of a will?
A: It's a dead giveaway.

Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman from Texas?
A: Anorexic.

Q: What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass?
A: Bush's tie.

Q: How does the LAPD play poker?
A: Four clubs beat a king.

Q: What's the fourth biggest lie?
A: "It's only a cold sore."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee was blowing fowls.

Q: Why is the contraceptive sponge such a great idea?
A: Because after you **** her, she can get up and wash dishes with it.

Q: How small was it?
A: Let's just say she didn't suck, she flossed.

Q: What do you call a farmer with a pig under one arm and
a sheep under the other?
A: Bisexual.

Q: Why are hotdogs America's favorite food?
A: Because they taste better than dildos.

Q: When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress
is pissed at you?
A: She leaves the string in it.

Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

Q: What's the difference between spinach and boogers?
A: Not everyone likes the taste of spinach.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes him 200,000 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whorizon Wireless
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/popt...commercial.asp
ROFLMAO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
The newlywed couple come back from their honeymoon. The bride's mother
asks the groom: Did you enjoy "the whole thing"?
The groom answers: Yes, I enjoyed the "hole" and she enjoyed the
"thing"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
Bubba's old uncle Herman goes into an ice cream parlour walking very
shakily with a cane. He sits down at the counter and orders a
chocolate sundae from the soda jerk. The soda jerk asks him, "Crushed
nuts?" Herman
replies, "No, arthritis."
================================================== ===========
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of
current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing.
Hey, this tastes like ****!
Then I would say.............." It is ****."
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
************************************************** ****

************************************************** ****
The husband had finally had enough of being *****-whipped. He burst
through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I
want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going
upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob.

Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me.
Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's
gonna tie my ****ing tie just the way I like it."

"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

What do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard on?
A Frigid Midget With A Ridged Digit!
================================================== ===========
Coming back from the ladies' room, the bimbo stormed up to her boyfriend at the bar.
"That man by the pool table just insulted me!" she fumed.
"He told me he wanted to tear off my shirt and suck my tits!"
"Yeah?", her boyfriend jumped from his stool.
"Then he said he was going to rip off my skirt and eat my *****."
"I'm gonna kick his ass," her boyfriend growled, pulling off his jacket.
"You better", the girl egged him on, "because he said he was going to turn me on my head, fill my ***** with whiskey, and drink it all down."
Her boyfriend sheepishly took his jacket back and resumed sitting on his bar stool.
"What's wrong?", the girlfriend whined.
He said, "I'm not messing with any son-of-a-***** who can drink THAT much whiskey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said
she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised,
would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she
was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She
phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation,
however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
================================================== ====================
How do you know a blonde likes you?
She screws you two nights in a row.

Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache"
he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take
it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A Rooster And A Cat"

One day a rooster and a cat were walking down the
street, they were good friends and liked to go on
walks together.

Suddenly it began to rain and the sidewalk became
very slick and full of puddles. The cat slipped and
fell into one of the puddles! At this sight, the
rooster
became hysterical, laughing long and loud!

Moral of the story: Whenever there is a wet *****,
there is sure to be a happy cock nearby!



WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU.....
Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX- I am impotent

Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have
a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when
I pull up behind them

Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all

Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280
days per year.

Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)

Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler

MGB- I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going
to make a....

Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted
List

Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise
would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is
a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even
more

Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big
corporation. "You are all part of our team now,"
said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits, but please don't
eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all
working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However,
one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss
had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Okay, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been
eating Managers and no one noticed
anything, then you had to go and eat a secretary!"