THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand
closer
to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to
interrupt
her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex
drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since
then, neither God nor Man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

17. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten
anything for 4
days."
She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."

18. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

19. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
"Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

20. The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

21. Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still
think they are beautiful.







Life or Death

A police officer pulls a man
over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car he can see
that the man is very anxious
about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you
know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was
speeding--but it is a matter of
life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting
for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a
matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before
my wife does, I'm a dead man."**) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

Sex Change

A middle-aged man went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of some screw-up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the man went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no," he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's..."

Cowboy in a Gay Bar
 

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar."But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One. " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands,
which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a
baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is
it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."







Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that,
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for him to learn a
trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he
called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But,
alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you,
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.







Dinner Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having
a family dinner at his Uncle Rodney's
house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate he started
eating right away. "Johnny, wait until
we say our prayer."

"I don't have to." The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained.
"But this is Uncle Rodney's house, and he
knows how to cook!"









For Us Old Folks"

OK, I'm already getting stuff from the AARP. But here's the problem:

I am the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 P.M. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually
interested in going home before I get to
where I am going. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing
you're saying. I'm very good at
telling stories; over and over and over and over... I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine. I'm so
cared for -- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw,
Peter Jennnings, Dan Rather, barking
dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having
trouble remembering simple words like....... I'm
realizing that aging is not for wimps. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become
policemen? I'm wondering, if
you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.





n promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of
platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility,
a coalescent cogency, and a
concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without
rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

Old Age 1:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
Had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Old Age 2:
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have? A
suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm
glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."











The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and
went to the Pearly Gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you, and
your quarters just aren't ready. We
can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but
we weren't expecting them, and we
gotta fix a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you
one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow
is forgiving everybody, the Graham
guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"













The Mexican Bungee!!!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and other
costs."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see
this new attraction. Slowly, more
and more people gather to watch them at work.

When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few
cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This
time, he comes back pretty messed up
- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Pinata'?"

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best
at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They
question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do
not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing
everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

"Forgive Your Enemies"
 

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to
forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except

one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the *****es."

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS
 

Put bifocals on. :cool: Double check that you're with the right partner.;)
Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end. :LOL:
Dan

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Italian,6 ft. 5 and 350 lb. He has already had
a few too many drinks, when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits
beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Italian. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want to get a blow job?"

At this, the massive Italian leaps up with fire in hiseyes, and smacks the man in the face,
knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar
before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot.The Italian returns to his seat
and proceeds to order another drink.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another drink.The bartender then says, "I've
never seen you react like that, just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure..." the big Italian replied,"....something about getting a job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
... A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a
sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly
states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him
the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the
mens room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and
approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now
thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Colorado."
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian
could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Colorado?"The Indian
replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
1. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage
bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancée like
property.We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up
planets for fun.
6. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
7. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
8. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
9. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
10. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"
11. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force
to get the key.
12. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
13. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
14. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your
father!?!"
15. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a
stupid minor character.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're married now, we can
arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex
at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. Lastly if my
hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
The groom replied, "Okay, Sweetheart. Just notice that when I come home, I usually have
a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may
or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two, your hair won't matter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across
two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his
typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even
the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex
you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this. A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got
something for that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had this dream that I was driving down the freeway and slamming into everyone, just
slamming into them. From side to side to side, right to left, all the way down the freeway.
Not hurting anyone, though, just knocking the phones out of their hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Justice Department says the "vast majority" of the 1,147 unnamed persons
incarcerated in the Sept. 11 investigation are still in custody. But the White House says
"the overwhelming number" have been released. If there's a mathematician among the
readers, someone please determinewhat the "overwhelming number" subtracted from the
"vast majority" equals. All I come up with is "total governmental bull****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the
sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner,
after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's
voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside
making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the
window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:

* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
* Ask what the order taker is wearing.
* change your accent every three seconds.
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
* Imitate the order taker's voice.
* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
* Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
* Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
* When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again.
On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"







Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where its supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The
first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." The
first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, "What's
wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world.














Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel
(K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.

They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.

The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...

Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Old Geezer Quiz

1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and
pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were
available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it
was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in
school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high*
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?*
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"* a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -ANSWERS:1. b) On the floor, to the
left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special tan makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg
with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your
neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public
gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green
Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if
you could only find your glasses, so that you could find your viagra.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy. Occasional erection
problems.
0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime. Have
fun now....old is coming.

men's rules
 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you
leaving it down.
1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1 Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1 Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1 Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1 Crying is black! mail.
1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1 We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1 Most guys own three pairs of shoes/ tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1 Check your oil! Please.
1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1 If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera ! guys.
1 If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1 If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1 Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.!
1 We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, muscle or monster trucks.
1 You have enough clothes.
1 You have too many shoes.
1 Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1 It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Remember those hits of yesteryear,,,,
Well folks, we are bringing out the same tunes that caused your hormones to surge in the
60's and 70's,,,,
======================

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-
released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their
aging audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
_________________________________________________
The Cannibal Auditors
A very large private hospital hired a team of cannibal auditors to go over all of its
operations and procedures.

On the first day, the CEO called the team into a conference room for a little chat.

"In spite of your unusual culinary tastes, we have decided to use you based on your
outstanding record in these matters. However, we would like to see you confine your meals
to our cafeteria, which, I might add, serves excellent food."

The first week of the audit ran smoothly. However, on Monday of the second week, a nurse
was reported missing.

The CEO called a meeting with the cannibals and ask them if they knew anything about the
missing nurse. The cannibals all shook their heads.

After the CEO left the room, the leader of the cannibals demanded to know who ate the
nurse. One of the cannibals sheepishly raised his hand.

"You fool!" screamed the leader. "All week long we feasted on doctors, administrators and
members of the board, and no one noticed! Then you had to eat a nurse and ruin
everything!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man discovered he'd lost his hat. He
decided the easiest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.
Once inside,he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from
crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."
"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that changed your mind?"
"Well," said the man,"when you got to the part about committing adultery, I remembered
where I left my hat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DISCRETE AND PROUD OF IT

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows in your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12. You need to bring your tray table to the uprightand locked position.
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of"Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the
next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be
with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is
nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly,
men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to
his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own
time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this,
and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much
as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area,
and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a
danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying
a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEALTH ALERT
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: %/ %/ **) **) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

Acting grown up

Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street
wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high
heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one
of the girls said, "Let's go in for a drink. "

They went in and crawled up to to the bar stools.
The bartender laughed and thought he would have some
fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What
will you have young lady?"

The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini."

The bartender could not give them any liquor so he
filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive
in it and put it in front of her.

He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"

She replied, "A Manhattan."

The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with
Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in
front of her.

Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you
have today?"

After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche.
Mother says they're so refreshing."










Actual Classified Ads In Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
PARACHUTE FOR SALE NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER
HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &; DRYER $300.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE &; DONUTS
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
















Cowboy Wisdom...

1.Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.Neve ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

3.If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

4.If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

5.Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

7.If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

8.When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter, don't be surprised if it learns its lesson.

9.There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

10.Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it in.













What would you do ???

An old man and a young woman are stuck in an
elevator and the building is on fire.

The young woman asks: "Sir I am interested
what would you do if you thought you only
had twenty minutes to live?"

"Well, I think I would screw anything that
moved. Why what would you do?"

"Well, under the circumstances, I think I
would remain perfectly still."
















"Yesterday is a cancelled check.
Tomorrow is a promisary note.
Today is cash....spend it wisely."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake
up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the
phone did not ring until well after 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is
your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the clod have it. "Listen buddy, you
were supposed to call me at 6 a.m. sharp! What if I
had a big multimillion-dollar deal to close this morning,
and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Oh get over it, dude!" the desk clerk quickly replied,
"If you had a big multimillion-dollar deal to close, you
sure wouldn't be staying in this fleabag motel!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A dog's life...

A nursery school teacher was taking a minivan
full of kids home one day when a fire truck
roared past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian. The children began discussing the
dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

dentist
 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The
girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist" The guy, surprised, says
"Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep
washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they
were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a
boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.. How did you figure that
out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"

Disorder in the Court
 

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, Taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
______________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_____________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
______________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, He
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
______________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
______________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
______________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
______________________________________________
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital,
and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing
his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION
she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it,
she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded
to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and
promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it.
Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the
first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by
this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she
was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to
flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
================================================== ===========
How do deaf gynecologists work?
They read lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex
when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said.
"If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a
number.
"Two!" said the redneck.
"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked back to their car one redneck said to the other, "I
think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week.
================================================== ====
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man
notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up
you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am
marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on
her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Moments!

Did you hear about the blonde who:

1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5)was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient?
6)had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
7)thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
8)was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a
crazy cat?
9)after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
10)went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
11)brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
12)thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
13)thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
14)thought that intercourse was a state highway?
================================================== ===========
CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet *****."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave
her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put
them in her husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee
that evening. That night they made love. The next night she put two viagra's in his coffee
and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped
the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son
answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied,
"Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in
the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
================================================== ==

How Different Personalities Cope in the Men's Room


Excitable-Shorts half twisted around and ripped; obviously can't find the hole
Sociable-Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not Cross-eyed-Looks into next
urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
Timid-Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later
Indifferent-If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink
Clever-No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor Worried-Not sure of
where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
Frivolous-Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit other urinals
Absent Minded-Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants Chlidish-Pisses directly in
bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
Tough-Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
Patient-Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other
hand
Efficient-Waits until he has to crap, then does both
Drunk-Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants Disgruntled-Stands for a while,
gives up, walks away Conceited-Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
Desperate-Waits in long line with teeth floating; ultimately pisses in pants
Sneak-Farts silently while pissing; acts very innocent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penis Study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis
was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give
the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks
and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
=============================================

PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KIDS KITCHEN TERMS
_______________ Ðð _______________

APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic
"Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten
because they are mixed together.

CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

CRUST:
Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children
of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).

DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes
time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children
on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED
FOODS: Gourmet cooking

FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI:
Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

METRIC:
A system of measurement that will be accepted only
after forty years wandering in the desert.

NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands,
camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air
conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SALIVA:
A medium for blowing bubbles.

SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.

TABLE:
A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final
"good night."

VEGETABLE:
A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger --
but only by sight.

WATER:
The cola of underdeveloped countries.
_______________ Ðð _______________

worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "Sid, a
mouse just ran up my wife's honeypot!"

"I'll be over in 10 minutes, Larry," The doctor replied.
"In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between
her legs."

When the doctor arrived at the house, the young son
showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed
lay a frantic woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved
an open can of tuna back and forth.

"Larry, you idiot!" the doctor cried. "I said to use cheese!"

"Dammit, Sid," Larry yelled back, "I know that! But I've got
to get the cat out, first!"

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps
hitting on this woman who is
waiting for her date. The drunk
just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with
you if you can name one thing a
man can do for me that my vibrator
can't!" the woman smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment.
"Okay, let's see your vibrator buy
the next round of drinks!"





Rejected Motel 6 Slogans .......

Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

As seen on COPS.

If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

Not just for one nighters anymore.

We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

You rented the room, now buy the video.

We'll leave the Lysol out for ya.

Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

We put the Ho in Hotel.







"Hey, Joe," I called out, "come here, I have a true story for
you. I was on my way home sitting at a stop light, and next to
me was a guy and a girl on a Harley. She was wearing a tank-top
and shorts from under which lacey lingerie was peeking. He was
wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Her outfit was strange, but there
was nothing I hadn't seen before. What was really weird,
however, was what she was doing with her middle fingers. She
had them under his shirt and was rubbing his nipples."

"What?" he was incredulous.

Yeah, and she would periodically pull out her hands, lick the
tips of her fingers then shove them back in there and go back
to nipple rubbing. It was freaky. I didn't know whether to
throw up or laugh. They had no shame... Just sitting in rush
hour traffic doing the nipple rubbing thing."

Joe was silent for a moment. "What was he doing while she did
that?"

"Smiling."

Disrespectfully,







A lady who had been married for several years was growing
more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest
in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to
their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase
some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and
he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower,
freshened up, and donned he crotchless undies and a slinky
negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the
television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair
arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your
underwear."









I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was,
'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three
years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.



My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on sticky notes.

One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker".
And so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least
four characters."




A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy
walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Hey sonny,
did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."

Another Senior Moment
 

This is what we have to look forward to.................


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that is red and has thorns.
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


:LOL: