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direct from LONDON... stats of daily living....things you need (or do you?)///
1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine. 2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.) 3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. 4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept! 5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. 6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. 7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. 8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. 9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases. 10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a firend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces. |
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Gents, wise words from our brethren who have gone before us. Please take notes! Man's five most feared questions: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses. Question 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Nothing b. Football c. Jennifer Lopez d. How fat you are e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." Question 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love d. Does it matter e. Who, me? Question 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define "pretty" e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't. She's left-handed. WOMAN: ...silence... MAN: Sh*t. The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name . . . and they say golf is a quiet game." -- Anonymous ------------------------------------- How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? The kid stutters. ------------------------------------- "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein |
Home is where you lay your hat . . . and a few close intimate friends : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Gynecologist says to a Lesbian "You have the cleanest ***** I've ever seen." The Lesbian replies, "I should have, I have a woman in twice a week!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ TOILET PAPER FACTS You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom. More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall. Only one in two high school grads read while in the bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do. Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it. Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels) More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage A word that should be pronounced as "mirage" Adultery Putting yourself in someone else's position Honeymoon salad Lettuce alone w/o dressing A smart Husband One who thinks twice before saying nothing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began telling her dream to her husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place," she began, "the big ones went for a ten and the thick ones went for 20." "How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband. "Those they gave away," she replied with sarcasm. "I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off rear ends. The round ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!" "And how much for the ones like mine?" asked the wife. "That's where they held the auction," he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three ... Slow down Turn off the TV and Call out the right name ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you have dreams about Homosexuality If the dreamer is heterosexual, dreams of this nature suggest a period of basic insecurity in relations with the opposite sex. Homosexual dreams by heterosexuals may represent secret fears/anxieties about masculine/feminine aspects or your personality.. Dreams of homosexual encounters, or of being accused of being a homosexual, are common for expectant fathers. If occurring in dreams prior to an upcoming wedding, anxiety about your changing situation may be expressed as a fantasy alternative. Lastly it may be guilt about sexual feelings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist ~ especially fruit bats. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Japanese whore showed affection To powerful men with direction Once while he was lovin' er She said to the governor "I'm working for your re-erection!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
NEW VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. For god's sake, are you listening? It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN! If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. *******Please Send, send, send, send, and send!******** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later." Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out." The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT HI-JACKER A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess. He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!" The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic. Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE would be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife Jill standingin the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7-inch spike heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. "What happened here?" John asks. "I think the waterbed burst," says the trembling Jill. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands John. Jill replies demurely, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?" "I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady. "Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?" "My husband is eighty-seven." "My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?" "Next September will be sixty-two years." "Married sixty-two years? Why would you want a divorce now?" "Because," the old woman answered calmly, "enough is enough." |
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story: 1 - Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy. 2 - Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. 3 - And when you’re in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut. A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroomA man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?" where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?" 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. |
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag,
he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side." The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try" The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed. The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river. The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****! |
SEX AND YOUR FIRST NAME:
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name... what do you think? (Those of you with names that start with "N" will probably wish it started with"K"!) -A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern. -B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression often affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment. -C- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without. -D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open. -E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.) -F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic.Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. -G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually. -H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover. -I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful. -J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. -K- You are totally ****ing marvelous! |
continued.....
-L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love.You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. -M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is in exhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate. -N- You are crap in bed. -O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check. -P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification. -Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going. -R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate. -S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. -T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head. -U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put;your partner's pleasures above your own. -V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant. -W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games. -X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head. -Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships,which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate. -Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue. |
The sales girl at the Pink Pu$$ycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax." |
Golf
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning. "
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything" |
be nice to your wife....
Subject: Truths About Older Women
> This was too good not to pass on. Written by a man - of course. . > > > It is important for men to remember that as women grow > older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same > quality of housekeeping they did when they were > younger. When men notice this, they should try not to > yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. > > When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year > ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time > job both for extra income and for health insurance > benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when > we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land > a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. > > It was shortly after she started working at this job > that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. > I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the > same time she gets home from work. Although she knows > how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has > to rest for half an hour or so before > > she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this > happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I > understand that she is not as young as she used to be. > I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get > supper on the table. > > She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we > finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit > on the table for several hours after supper. I do > > what I can by reminding her several times each evening > that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she > appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them > done before she goes to bed. > > Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was > younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the > stairs all day and not get tired. > > Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much > more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make > another trip down those steps. I don't make a big > issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry > the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only > that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to > the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or > Saturday's club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling > or Friday's poker game or something like that, I will > tell her to wait until the next evening to do the > ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some > of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. > > Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this > allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more > leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to > find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two > or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so > much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely > now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I > mean. > > When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs > more rest periods than she used to have to take. A > couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break > when she was only half finished mowing the yard. > > I overlook comments like these because I realize it's > just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her > when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell > her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly > squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her > that as long as she is making one for herself, she may > as well make one for me and take her break by the > hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. > > I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm > coming from. > > I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I > support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that > the ability to show this much consideration is easy. > Many men will find it difficult . Some will find it > impossible. No one knows better than I do how > frustrating women can become as they get older. My > purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you > make the effort. I realize that achieving the > exemplary level of showing consideration > > I have attained is out of reach for the average man. > However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a > little less often because of this article, I will > consider that writing it was worthwhile. > ------------------------------:3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE **) **) %/ %/ :MECOOL: :MECOOL: :LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE **) **) %/ |
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline" If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are delusional and think you are possessed by Satan, press 666. If you think you are calling Focus on the Family, please enter your credit card number now. Click. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ A new young monk arrives at the monastery.? He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ The List: The most destructive habit..............................Worry The greatest joy...........................................Givi ng The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work...................Helping others The ugliest personality trait...................Selfishness The most endangered species.....Dedicated leaders Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth The greatest shot in the arm...........Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease................Excuses The most powerful force in life..........................Love The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper The world's most incredible computer.......The brain The worst thing to be without......................... Hope The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue The two most power-filled words................."I Can" The greatest asset..........................................Fai th The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity The most beautiful attire................................SMILE! The most prized possession....................... Integrity The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly couple were sitting watching the tv one evening Out of the blue (suddenly) the old girl got up, walked across the room to her husband and wacked him around the ear and then returned to her chair He was totally taken by surprise, but when he recovered, he asked "what was that for?" She said, "that's for being such a lousy lover all our married life". So the old fella got up and walked over to her and wacked her one around the ear......"and that's for knowing the difference". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband. "The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband." The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ A newlywed sailor was transferred to a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. He soon began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her al etter."My darling," he wrote, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" "First, let me see you play that harmonica!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carnation Milk A lady had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while in the store. So she completed their jingle and mailed it off to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves. Carnation had furnished the first line of jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all...." and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or less. A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it. In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity. Here is her entry I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no **** to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a *****. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
Das Leben ist zu kurz um schlecten Wein zu
trinken During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M." An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel. "It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan. "There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The sales girl at the Pink *****cat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ Brain Teasers: 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph. Click here: Emode.com - The Ultimate IQ Test - page 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ What Gender Are They ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. ============================================ |
A Yankee salesman was traveling through the countryside peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is
so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" He looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My God, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer was tart: "I have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out all night and a fireplace that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want a husband?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo. After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo,too!" The men all look surprised. The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?" The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman. Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a impish smile. One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?" The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My ***** must have eaten it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hat pin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "G-d!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`` Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!" The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?" Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?" The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said. "Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours.... THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back. THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why. THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her. THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ... THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat * THE LAWYER'S VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that... THE BILL GATES VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade. THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway. THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set her free. THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously. THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy. THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad. THE MARKETING VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Computer Terminology 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ :LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: |
A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the
guy asks the bartender about it. Guy: Hey bartender what's all the money for? Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on. Guy: Oh yea, what is it? Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch. The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy. Guy: Well, I think I could take him. Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you? Guy: Yea I see it. Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out. The guy thinks for a little while and replies Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that. Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task. Guy: Then hurry up and tell me! Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull? Guy: Yea Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her. Guy: I'M OUTTA THIS BET! But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens... The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender: A magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?" Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female,dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took of his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crutch. The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next he lifted the All Black cap replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat I find an asshole." |
IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us." You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun up. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." :-) * Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions... 1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex. 2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 3. You've got no chance of me calling you. 4. No, I won't be gentle. 5. Of course you have to swallow. 6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 7. I hate your friends. 8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 9. I'd rather watch a porno. 10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it. A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY... You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us." You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun up. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." :-) * Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions... 1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex. 2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 3. You've got no chance of me calling you. 4. No, I won't be gentle. 5. Of course you have to swallow. 6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 7. I hate your friends. 8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 9. I'd rather watch a porno. 10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it. A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden." =========================== A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden." ===========================:3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE **) **) %/ %/ |
gotta love those Aussies:-
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava > Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped > her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the > unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their > testicles. > > The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- > and when she found them, she took revenge on them in > her own special way,- said Melbourne police > investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the > nearest police station, laid the gun on the > sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could > be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, > by God.' > > Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, > 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when > outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the > hotel room where he and former prison cellmate > Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled > avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, > but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, > police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his > manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be > using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told > reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, > but I think they're just happy to be alive after > what they've been through. > > The Rambo Granny swung into action June 21 after her > granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in > broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a > section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw > the look on my Debbie's face that night in the > hospital, I decided I was going to go > out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured > the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired > library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either > -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' > all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in > when the law changed about owning one." > > So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects > and Debbie's description of the sickos', > tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the > wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took > place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists > entering their flophouse hotel. I know it was them > the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em > anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure > as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I > went back to that hotel and found their room and > knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, > Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square > between > the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, > you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as > he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I > went down to the police station and turned myself > in. > > Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly > how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did > was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is > difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison. > Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in > the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a > medal. |
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right" |
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream." As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" Sam and Joe, two old friends from childhood, were living in the local nursing home. As their nurse was making rounds one day, she saw Sam sitting on the foot of his bed making noises like an automobile motor. "Where ya going, Sam?" asked the nurse. In a quaking voice, Sam replied "I'm going to Chicago to have a good time". "Be careful", said nurse. Later in the day, she came back by the men's room and again saw Sam sitting in a chair this time and making slurping noises as if eating. "What are you doing, Sam?" asked the nurse. "I'm having a wonderful dinner in Chicago," said Sam. The nurse told him that was great and to enjoy his dinner. On her return trip to the station, the nurse saw Joe standing naked in the middle of the room and making hunching moves. ''JOE! What in the world are you doing?", barked the nurse. Joe, in a proud but shaky voice replied, "I'm ****ing Sam's wife while he's in Chicago". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked: "What are you doing taking your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my kitty. I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!" The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!" "The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Men Can't Win If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you're getting 'marvelously mature' when............. 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ Favorite excuses for missing work: My stigmata's acting up. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish. I fell off the ladder. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Simple rules for all men to follow.... 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is most important that these three women never meet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ Children saying the Pledge in schools could be taught reality instead of religion. So let's change " one nation under G-d " to be more realistic by switching to..." one nation under the I.R.S. " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
The place, was England
Life in the 1500's, something interesting to ponder.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake". ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer". **~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~* Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite"... ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." ~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~ Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". |
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