FUNERAL SERVICE
 

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of
the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at
all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous
system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational
area?"
================================================== ===========
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as
a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run
and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.

After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine.
We just have a few corrections."

First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the
holy water.
Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do
not hang it on the cross.
Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!
================================================== ===========
There was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her
first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next
year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year she didn't show, and the staff wondered what
happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not
pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?

When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of
years, she replied "No, no more. Found out what was causin' it."
================================================== ===========
What is a FACT?
A Fact is a bit of grizzle That separates the Muck Hole from the
**** Hole, One slip and your in the **** and that's a Fact!
================================================== ===========
A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods
and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor
to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months
pregnant.
"Hmmmm, is this not good news?" He says to her.
"No, not necessarily.. The problem is that I've been with 5
different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father
could be!"
"Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and
have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the
Doc.
"I can't do that." She says.
"Why not?" The Doctor replies.
"Because, they've changed their Screen Names!!!
================================================== ===========
What is so good about being a toilet seat?
You get a lot of ass!

Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
=================================================
New Rules Of The Office... will be effective immediately...

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your
allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. Thank you
for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen
pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees
the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband,she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,
takes out a fifty dollar bill,and gives it to him:

"Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this & go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that
this
happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change
her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later,
he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says with much
disappointment:
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty..."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger "Damn that *****... when
she was pregnant & her husband came over here...I only charged him
fifty!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Are You Dirty Minded???

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?3). What
can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?4). What word starts with f
and ends with u-c-k?5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?6). What does a dog do that you
can step into?7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?8). What is hard, six inches long, has
two nuts, and can make a girl fat?9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?10). What is it that all men have one of; it's
longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?


ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,

I think you have things a little confused..
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were
screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hung like a Horse?
 

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope"

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any
charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV
special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a
million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The
charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player
is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the
curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the
other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William
Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's
the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how
he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the
positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William
Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump...








The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the
tunnel
and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.
At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.'She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' >From that moment on you will work together to create the
embryo. Do
you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.

The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless.
"You
really have to swim for it!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a kip when he hears the siren.
He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance of the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the
other
sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to reach the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the other sperm.

When, at last, he reaches the red sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says







S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on
make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get
naked
now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond
CD or a book by Dr. Laura

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

N O T I C E Always consult your family physician before taking new medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed
that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day,
after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini et Tuti
Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that
they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he
could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the
Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni et Tuti Femini et Tuti
Fruiti"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they
meant, he went to his mother.
"Mom, what's a *****?"
Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of
a cat.
He then asked "What's a *****?"
Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a
female dog.
Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a *****?"
He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area
between a woman's legs.
Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a *****?"
His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily
sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw
you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost
under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old
faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with
fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your
second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the
beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella
felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and
vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to
transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that,
when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor
the world had ever seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And,
with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat,
breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her
close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath as he whispered:
.
.
.
.
..."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got
to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to
have left his wallet at home. "Will I
have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me," and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the
bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing
breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his
little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.'The
note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly
Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to
'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man
upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole'sThe Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,So Do It By Hand!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
If Redneck Men Ruled The World...
Nodding and looking at his watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When a wife really needed to talk to him during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and he'd jump out his window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into his car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engage-ment ring, he could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and current co-host would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competi-tion would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Foot-ball from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as he returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave him a ticket, every smart-aleck answer he responded with would actually reduce his fine. As in: Cop: "You know
how fast you were going?" Him:
"All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and
"100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of
his own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she
had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra,
or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Michael is sitting at the bar totally forlorn and drinking up a storm. One of his friends approaches him and asks what's wrong.

Michael says, "Everything is terrible. I've been replaced at work with a computer, and I've been replaced at home with a
vibrator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Airline Safety
 

Federal Aviation Authority
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington, D.C.20591

Dear Sirs;
I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have
the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we
just might get the Airline industry back on its feet. Here's my plan:
Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked women we should
replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims
would not get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. Of course
every businessman in this country would start flying again in
anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record
sales. Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery. It truly puzzles me
that congress didn't already come up with this. Am I the only one who
thinks clearly on these issues?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman

told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian.
She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting,
exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked
his interest. She asked, "How many calories are in sperm?"
"Why?" he asked.
She explained some of the things she liked to do.
After thinking a minute, he said, "I really have no clue. But if you're
consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little
chunky!"
================================================== ==========
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too.... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, but the mother was
difficult."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"...On your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!!"
================================================== ===========
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl,
"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks
twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out.
He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that
dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road.
If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns
with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says,
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's
mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there
are more ****ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.
================================================== ===========
The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not
quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be
selective.
Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked,
"Susan, do you know where bad girls go ?"
"Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want!"
================================================== ===========
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane,he felt the seats and said,
"Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas,
he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed
between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The
bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man
asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender
replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and
fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting...
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

American Management
 

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Columbia River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally
depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found.

A Measurement Team, made up of senior management was formed. They would
investigate and recommend appropriate action. They noted that the Japanese
had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the Americans had one
person paddling and 8 people steering.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an
impressive consulting fee. They advised that too many people were steering
the boat and not enough people were paddling. To prevent losing to the
Japanese again next year, the canoe team management structure was
totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant steering manager. They also implemented a
new performance system that would give the 1 person paddling the boat
greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Canoe Team Quality
First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddler.

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the paddler for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and
distributed the money saved as bonuses to senior management.

Aging.....
 

For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan--"Rikki, Don't Lose That Clapper"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

A Sure Cure.....

A woman went to the doctors office, where she
was seen by one of the new doctors, but after
about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and told her to
go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the
back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and
seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"






----- Getting away with speeding

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH
in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers
license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer,
but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy
says, "It's in the glove compartment, but
it's not in my name because I stole this car
in a car jacking and I killed the woman that
owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and
the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him
the story and he walks up to the guy in the
car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's
drivers license and the guy hands it over and
it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and
the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment."
The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and walks around to the passenger
side and opens the glove compartment. There is
the registration in the guys name and everything
seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and
open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the
only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what
the other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll
bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!"









Awful Limerick


There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack.
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She...


A stuttering girl went on a date with this guy one night, and after a
movie and something to eat, he took her to a remote spot for some
heing and sheing.

He started to feel his way around, and as soon as she felt him
doing that, she started to tell him to stop, she wasn't that kind
of a girl, but before she could get the words out...

She was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickie


Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Female Comebacks!


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.





A blonde, tired of being made fun of and
determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where
there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and
sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the
man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and
with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the
blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your
neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I
couldn't breathe."

Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she
says, "Go ahead,
honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped
like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talking'
feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl
Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that
her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have,
Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a
minute... are
you a nark?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you
don't finish your
vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique
collection has scorch
marks on the bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the
pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn
signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with
tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health --
still no glaucoma,
dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on
with those solid
gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for

the cookie jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up
three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with
lipstick on
their cheeks.



Rules of Beer Drinking


13> The first rule about Beer Club is you do not
talk about
Beer Club.

12> Before wringing spilled beer into your glass
from a soaked
shirt, make sure that your date is not still
wearing it.

11> Beer math: x(beer) + felony larceny - shirt =

"COPS"

10> The Barney Rule: Every sentence must start or

end with a belch.

9> Always offer to buy the first round if you
want to impress
the Bush girls.

8> The optimum number of beers consumed is
directly proportional
to the ugliness of one's date divided by the
distance to the
bathroom.

7> After a dozen beers, you must loudly declare
your love for
your drinking companion. Half a dozen if
you're drinking
Guinness.

6> The beer-can wall in the dorm is NOT
load-bearing.

5> After one six-pack of anything, Old Milwaukee

really *is*
as good as it gets.

4> Beer on whiskey, mighty risky; whiskey on
beer, all is clear;
beer on your shirt, take my word, friend:
You're *so* not
getting laid tonight.

3> When departing for the restroom, don't use
the word "lizard"
in mixed company.

2> If you drink a beer that has a fly in it, you

are required
by law to allow the fly to escape to freedom
through your
nose.

1> Never puke on something white after Labor
Day.















I AM THANKFUL FOR.....

THE PARTNER WHO HOGS THE COVERS EVERY NIGHT, BECAUSE HE/SHE
IS NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

THE TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING TV,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE/SHE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE
STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM
EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I, AM
IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A
HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING
LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I
HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I
HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY.........

FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL. BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO
ARE THINKING OF ME. (SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT,
AND WHEN YOU THINK YOUR LIFE IS SO BAD, READ THIS AGAIN).






First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing....
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole thing.












A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After
the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been
going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered
and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men because
he felt his penis was small.

So the first man asked, "Does it work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one that
looks great in the shower?"

Austin Powers pick up lines from "Gold Member"


1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you
all day long.

2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's
get you out of those wet clothes.

3) Nice legs... What time do they open?

4) Do you work for the post office? I thought
I saw you checking out my package.

5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one
more?

6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the
money?

7) I may not be the best looking guy in here,
but I'm the only one talking to you.

8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?

9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight.

10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can
blow the hell outta me.

11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm
naked.

12) You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.

13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got
a stiffy.

14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your
smiles, and even farther for that thing you
do with your tongue.

15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I
could be you by morning.

16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not
just going to suck itself.

17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with
me.

18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any
questions?

19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled
heap on my bedroom floor.

20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be
screaming it later.

21) Do you believe in love at first sight or
should I walk by again?

22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come
over and talk to you.

23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how
much have you been drinking?

24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I
can see myself in them













TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You Sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month,
and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

CANADIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes
they are.
* One speaks French, one speaks English.
* One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it.
* They both play ice hockey rather well.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and
detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute

Pop The Cherry
2 oz. Cherry brandy
Orange Juice
Stir in highball glass, add cherry and orange slice



Rearbuster
2 oz. Tequila
2 oz. Kahlua
Cranberry juice
Stir in highball glass



Screaming Orgasm
Barstool
Equal parts-
Rum
Vodka
Bourbon
Open mouth, lean back, swallow till you can't swallow any more



Tight Snatch
1 1/2 oz. light Rum
1 oz. Peach Schnapps
Pineapple juice
Stir in highball glass



Virgin
1 1/2 oz. Gin
1/2 oz. white Creme de menthe
1 oz. forbidden fruit
Shake with ice, strain into highball glass



Roll Me Over And Do Me Again
(Cocktail)
1/4 part Light Rum
1/4 part Dark Rum
1/4 part Midori
1/4 part Malibu
Splash Creme de Bananes
Fill with equal parts OJ And Pineapple, add touch of
Grenadine for color and shake.



Purple Mother****er
(Shot)
1 part Vodka
1 part Southern Comfort
1 part Blue Maui
1 part Cranberry juice.
Shake and pour as a shooter!



GetsYaLaid Coffee
1 shot dark Creme de Cacao
1 shot Orange Curacao
1/2 shot Kahlua
1 shot Vodka
Add coffee, should be in a VERY tall mug...top with whipped cream,
add straw ... and dreeeeenk several! Yeehaw!




The Clitoris
1 part Bacardi
1 part Creme de Almond
1 part Bailey's
1 part Whipped Cream
Cherry
Layer in shot glass.



Blow Job
1/2 shot Kahlua
Whipped cream
Top with the cream.
No hands, tilt your head back and swallow



Cum In A Hot Tub
1/2 shot Orange Juice
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
Pour Bailey's into Orange Juice for curdling effect



Deep Throat
(same as blow job, only in a salt shaker and for women only)
The tongue must be used to break the whipped cream seal



Flaming Blue ****
1 1/2 oz. Sambuca
1/2 oz. Blue Curaco
Set on fire and drink through a straw



Orgasm
2 oz. Vodka
2 oz. Amaretto
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Light Cream
Shake with ice, strain into highball glass



Sit On My Face
1 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1 shot Frangelica
1 shot Kahlua
Layer the Bailey's over Frangelica over Kahlua



Wrigley's Doublemint Blowjob
1 shot Kahlua
1/2 shot of peppermint schnapps 100 proof
Milk or Cream
Stir or whip

=== Feel Like A Woman ===

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there
someone on this plane who is man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here,
iron this!".


=== The Fireman And His Wife ===

A Fireman came home from work one day and told
his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system
at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1,
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3,
we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2,"

The wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3,"

They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE
NEAR THE FIRE!"




=== Wishful Thinking ===

One morning a woman was walking out of her front
door, when she notices a strange little man at the
bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you
owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and
square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a
huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK,
you've got it.".

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a
Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to
make your wishes come true you have to have sex
all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still
believe in goblins"





Education: What you have left over when you subtract what
you've forgotten from what you've learned.

==========================================

Microsoft TV Dinner

Instructions For Microsoft's New TV Dinners:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so, you agree
to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may
not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute
an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell
them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.now

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and
press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight
of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner
exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.damnit

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments,
most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to
upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in
the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted, anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
==========================================
Happy Baby Fun!
http://members.aol.com/fdipiazza/stickybaby.htm
This could drive ya crazy if ya let it!
`````````````````````````````````````
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
==========================================
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask
for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out
that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetheart," the woman patiently replied, "I just spent ten
goddamn days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man.
I *know* what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought,
"Well, if *I* lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized that I would want to be taught a very valuable lesson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

The Five Stages of Drunkeness

(just in case you're gonna be one of those folks who thinks this only
applies to other people - pssssssssst you're wrong)



Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known

universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.

And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes
for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.


Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about
any subject under the sun.


Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can
buy
drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can
also
make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You
will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you
are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.


Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being
INVINCIBLE
you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.



Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything,
because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the
people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot
see
you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are
also
INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because
no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the

words.


THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP


Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only
several
hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12
hours.



Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you
are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a
glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the
door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is
now
missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened
to it
but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you
might
have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your
pocket
could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty
pound
note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that

STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe
that
you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start
to
loathe all your friends.


Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you
feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.


Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot

this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you,
and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too
POOR
to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted
to get married, so
Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
love and I want to
ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without
even taking a moment to
think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a
month,and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much
thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a
second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so
far...."
~~~~~~

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend
Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell
her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring
us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that...it never worked."

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife
behind
the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know
we've
been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He
then
says,
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having
an
affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I
want
the
house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to
eighty
mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank
accounts,
and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward
a
bridge
overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't
there
anything
you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles
and
says,
"The airbag"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher
condemned the
sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs.....AMEN... BROTHER!

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled
again....PREACH IT REVEREND!

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT
IS..... AMEN!

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit
preaching and now he's
meddlin'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father
of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the
bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's
hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no
return."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Day At The Auction

Becky woke up and told her husband, Sam, about her dream
last night.

"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for
$1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10."

Sam asked, "What about one my size?"

To which Becky replied, "Didn't get a bid!"

Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky
about his dream.

"I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's
sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Becky asked, "What about one like mine?"

To which Sam responded, "That's where they held the auction."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
IF YOU WANNA BE HAPPY http://songexpressions.net/wanna.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

DRUGS

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is
acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on......

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra,
Considered were:
Mycoxafloppin,



Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Mydixadud, and

Alimpdixafixit.


And of course Ibepokin.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

QUICK ONES

4 miracles of a woman

1. Getting wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleeding without getting hurt.
3. Giving milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless flesh hard.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Scientist have just proven that the DNA found in Donkeys and bats is exactly the same as that found in the human
male........
which explains the constant stubbornness and lack of vision !!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Its Sad...

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an
owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a
drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons
and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What
man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say,

old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling
her 'the ballerina?'"


"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman
who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
Maybe it's true that life begins at forty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~

. :LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: