Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a

picnic lunch.

Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest
mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me
a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest,
but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be
the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've
got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the
truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."


Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going
to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I
talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am
truly the fairest."

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table
and says, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?

You gotta love Ohio Women!
 

A woman from Ohio and another from the East coast were seated side by side
on an airplane. The woman from Ohio, being friendly and all, said: "So,
where are you from?"

The East coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Ohio sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where are you from, b!tch?

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.
Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.
He gets up very early and golf's all day long.
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, Dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at
the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all
slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"

Pet Names
 

Behind closed doors. A husband and wife go off to bed.
As soon as they settle down, theman leans over and whispers softly
"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for
nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way
she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy b!tch".

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For
you non-Texans.. the container for this 'snuff' is very
large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his
back jeans pocket.

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) (she may
be a blonde too but it wasn't stated) confided to her
sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the
Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some

real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have
sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to
how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a
Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that
Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those
guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full
gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the
horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a
real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they
carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my
mind!"

During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's
mother-in-law died. With death certificates in hand, George went to the
American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back
to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that
the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, "In most cases
the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00."

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost
to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law
very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of
a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from
the dead! I just can't take that chance."

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas
season, a mailman was doing his route. As he was
delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a
house and realized that they had so much mail that
it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock
on the door.

As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman
stood staring at him. The mailman said "I'm sorry
for bothering you, but I couldn't get all your
mail into your box, so here it is."

The woman looked at him and said, "Why don't you
come in and take a break - it's cold outside!" The
mailman agreed an stepped into the house.

A few minutes later, the woman says, "I have an
idea. Let's go upstairs and make love!" The
woman was quite beautiful, so the mailman followed
her.

After a while, the two came back down the stairs.
The mailman said, "Wow, that was great but I must
be getting back to my route."

The lady replied, "Oh, don't go yet, let's have
some breakfast!" She then opened the door to the
dining room and the table was covered with food.
After the meal, the mailman said, "Okay, I've
really got to go!"

The woman replied, "Well, thank you," and handed
him a one dollar bill.

The mailman was confused. "What's going on here?
You invite me in, make love to me, cook me a great
breakfast, then hand me a dollar!"

The woman replied, "Well, I asked my husband the
other day what he thought we should give the
mailman for Christmas. He said,'Oh, screw him!
Give'em a dollar!' But breakfast was my idea!"

Comments made in 1957
 

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to
be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $5000
will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.. A quarter a
pack is
ridiculous.."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a
letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help
at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29
cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as
long as
the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark
Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every
new
movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on
the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making
more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are
having to work to make ends meet.!"

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to
watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to
be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of
foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to
congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt
they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more. $35 a day in the hospital is
too rich
for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Tarzan
 

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,.....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you
must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
He stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony, for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,:CRY: "What did you do that
for?" :confused:

He replied, "Tarzan check for bees first." :D

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot answers the guy's question: "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology.

You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,"reports the parrot.
"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

Dan,
Thanks for keeping this torch burning. Keep 'em coming buddy!
Steven

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls."
"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place."

Name Your Penis
 

A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
your penis?".
The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just
do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really
satisfies!"
The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin."
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job
one."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'"

Dear Abby,
 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and
walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the
front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to
be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée's what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or, should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

CONFESSIONAL

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.

BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says."90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

CALLER QUESTION
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

SENILITY
An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility,"
replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

OLD FRED
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute."She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

What a way to start the day!
 

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cobra Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!
I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into
the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins," ruined the phone, put out my cigarette, and
disconnected an important call!!!
D____ WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

10 REASONS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO TRICK OR TREATING.
 

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know
anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of
his towel, climbed the ten- meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened
out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice
and I worked both sides of the canal.

It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working Swedish woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot" she mused as she walked down main street. She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out thru the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" She walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it's so hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer. "The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks! Und how's yer pecker?"