Joke of the Day...

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Art;

Funny but true, I had a buddy they occasionally stayed out a little too late and drank a lot too much and did the same thing and his wife never bothered him.... He said the louder he hollered,the louder she snored when he went in the bedroom....

David

[Dwight]

Top Eight Morons of 2003

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland , California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Does any one else find it frightening the majority of these took place in California??

[Dwight]

Dwight you think our kids don't know much about cars listen to this: One of my customers overheard her son's sixteen year old friend telling her son why he thought he was having trouble with his pickup truck. He said:
"No wonder my truck isn't running right. You wouldn't believe how heavy the tires are. I took it (the truck) over to get the tires rotated and while I was there I picked up one of the tires and got on a scale. After subtracting my weight I figured the tire weighed about thirty-five pounds. Right after that the guy at the garage put air in it. When I asked him how much air he'd put in the tire he said that the tire took 35 pounds. No wonder that truck is strugging to run. Those tires with all that air weigh seventy pounds a piece!"
Sometimes when our kids do something dumb I forget how intelligent they really are!!!!!


WE HAVE SIX KIDS. 19 TO 31 YEARS OLD.

[Dwight]

1. You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run
around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It
keeps me from streaking.

2. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even
get into my own pants.

3. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my
blood alcohol content.

4. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed
with a relative!

5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it..so I said..Implants?"

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
same effect just standing up fast.

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know
me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too
many of them get elected!

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it
has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
dip-****'s.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it
deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals
you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a message!

15. Being married is to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at
the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I
am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I
see so many dead rabbits on the high way?

21. How come we choose from just two people to run for
President and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been

[Dwight]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
__________________________________________________ ______________

[Dwight]

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles

when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get

those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them." recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare

him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

[MilwDoug]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These
are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[WBofTN]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his
staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh!t.

[Dwight]

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my
instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

[Dwight]

NASA and the Navajo

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for
training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking
among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took
the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government
translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed
the message:

"Watch out for these a**holes. They have
come to steal your land."


THEY EMAIL TO ME AND I JUST POST THEM

[Dwight]

GET READY FOR THE BIG MERGERS OF 2004...

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies that will merge. Here are merger predictions from Gary in New York, who knows lots about these matters:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

[Dwight]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't Give a darn.

12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.

14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. And your crybaby opinion would be...?

18. Do I look like a people person?

19. This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

20.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

29. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
| |

[CobraDan]

A biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold
me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Dwight]

Jumping' on the bed

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband
watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18
year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Dwight]

Subject: Gender Specific

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a gender. And here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because ! they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... Ha! You thought it would be "male". But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

[Dwight]

Hallmark Cards

Situations Hallmark doesn't cover:

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

[Dwight]

The Reunion:
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy
him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it! Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin!"
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks,"What school did
you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Brothel:
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of
them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost at Sea:
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,"Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on
the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going
to have to pee in the boat!"

[Dwight]

A Few Irish Jokes
Irish Shopping -
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When thejar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've Been Out Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing.So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on
his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom.When he reached his bed he
tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on his best innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Water to Wine:
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Dwight]

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality
throughout the world.........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"

Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

[CobraDan]

THE "F" WORD:
When is @#$% Acceptable?


There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....



and finally......



1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003