Joke of the Day...

[Mark IV]

..comes home one all drunk up as usual.....his wife calls from the top of the stairs.."Patty you're makin' enough noise to wake the dead!"

Patty replies "Woman, I'm tryin' to get a barrell 'o Guinness up the Stairs!"

She says "Ye damn fool, leave it for mornin'"

To which Patty replies " I can't, I've drunk it!!!!"

Erin go braless...

[CobraDan]

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree.

Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so just don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," said the dad.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie. The guys all congratulate her on her fine game.

She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honor she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Jameson's in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her."That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"


REMEMBER:

AGE AND TREACHERY WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

[CobraDan]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and
stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

Dan

[SPEEDEAMON]

THOSE FAIRIES

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband." said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and... abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...... abracadabra! ..........Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

The moral of the story:

Men might be bastards.

But Fairies are.................... Female!

[BMK]

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead enter a swim competition.

The must swim a Breaststroke time trial for 50 metres to qualify.

The Brunette and the Redhead finishy in record time and leave the pool.

A swim Coach notices the Blonde at the half way mark in trouble and runs down to find her going under for the last time. He pulls her out.

"They cheated she shouts", as she gains her breath.

"They used their arms".

[BMK]

A wife came home to find her husband in bed with a shapely blonde.

With super human strength borne of fury she drags him out of bed out the back door and down the yard to the back tool shed, she places his penis in a vice. She secures it tighly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up the hacksaw.

He was terrified and screamed

"Your not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the hacksaw in his hand. and said,

"Nope, I'm going to set fire to the tool shed. You do what ever you have to do."

[WBofTN]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not inte nd to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" The preacher fainted.

WB

[Dwight]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:



While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Rich and his wife Deb, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other."



He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"



Rich leaned over, touched Deb's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?



Thus began Rich's life of celibacy.

[bomelia]

UPI

Did you hear about some monks that were recently reviewing some copies of the bible (made by hand) in the 8th century AD? Turns out Celibate was an incorrect transcription. Up untill the 8th century, the word was Celibrate. At this moment, preists are storming the Vatican...full story at 10:00 PM.

MikeO

[CobraDan]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Cobra Roadster and his parents
began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Cobra costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So, the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car
like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her
name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and
asked me if I wanted to buy a Cobra Roadster for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."

So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the
lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold
a Cobra for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to
Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He
asked me to sell his new Cobra and send him the money. So I
did."

[CobraDan]

A radio station was running a competion - words that were not in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: Dave whats your word?
CALLER: GOAN… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced go-an
DJ: Correct Dave goan is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?
CALLER: GOAN f**k yourself!
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsucessful until:
DJ: What’s your name
CALLER: Jeff
DJ: Jeff, Whats your word?
CALLER: SMEE, spelt S-M-E-E pronounced smee.
DJ: You are correct, Jeff SMEE is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali. What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
CALLER: SMEE again! GOAN f**k yourself!

[CobraDan]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy. . WOW!

[SPEEDEAMON]

Etiquette for Rednecks by Emily Post

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's room wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[bomelia]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well
now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle"

[Edley Rondinone]

A man had his car towed to his mechanic. Mechanic asks "What's the matter with your car?"
Man: "I blew up the transmission."
Mech: "But its an AUTOMATIC ! ". How did you blow it up?"
Man: "I was sitting at a stop lite, when a young kid in some ricer car threw me some revs. Of course, being the competitive male that I am, I decided to race the little ricer.
When the lite turned green, I put the car into " L " for "Lunge", and sure enough I lunged ahead of him. A few seconds later, the ricer kid was catching up to me, so I put the car into " D " for "Drag-Race", and I pulled away from him again.
But then his little fart-can caught up to me again, so I put the car into " R " for "Race" and the damn thing exploded!"

[Clois Harlan]

I know this is not politically correct and I appologize but here goes.


A midget in Texas has been complaining for days that he had been experiencing intense pain in his genitile area. Finally, he called his doctor and explained "HIS BOYS were very sore and the symptoms were (red in color and sensitive to the touch plus he seemed to have a bit of a rash --DOWN THERE)". So the doctor called in a prescription to his local pharmacy. A few days later the midget called back and explained he was in excrutiating pain and the precription didn't seem to be working and he needed to come into the doctors office for an exam.

The next day after a complete examination in the doctors office the doctor told him to climb back up on the table he thougt he could resolve his problem. So, the midget gets up on the examining table and the doctor comes back into the room with his surgical sissors and starts his procedure...

SNIP SNIP

SNIP SNIP

SNIP SNIP SNIP

The doctors says "I think I am done so why don't you climb down and tell me if that feels any better"? So the midget jumps down from the table and walks around a little and looks up at the doctor and said:

"I feel great now what did you do"?


The doctors said: "I just cut a couple inches off the top of your .


cowboy boots".

[cobra de capell]

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop,beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. "What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[392cobra]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next

port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make

it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo
was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were
eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of
Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo.

[SPEEDEAMON]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl. And her husband is on the
back of the milk carton.

A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. "So, do you always
carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me
so I figured this was the most evil legal thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

AND THE BEST YET..........
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and
some rolling papers; because it's soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I
figure if I have to roll my own, so does she . ... !"

[CobraDan]

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don' t have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

...and best of all................

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it