Joke of the Day...

[Rick Parker]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a

young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a

chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets

on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed

your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he

tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is

obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be

strong, honey. I love you !

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you,too.

[Ron61]

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[VRM]

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises
that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little
smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great
friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can
only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can
feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over!

[CobraDan]

Old folks Jokes...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Keep reading

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Keep Reading

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.


He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


Keep Reading

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.


After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.


On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Keep Reading

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

! "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"


Keep Reading

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"


Keep Reading

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



Keep Reading

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Keep Reading

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur so be careful.' "


One More

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[jczar]

Creative Thinking

Thinking Outside The Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car? Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

In fact, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign,
then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

[VRM]

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...... ......... ......... ..until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......... ......... ......... ....bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before...... ......... ..Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but..... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............ .....looks dirty.
7. No news is.......... ......... ......... ......... .impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a........... ........ Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..... Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll.....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust....... ......... ......... .... Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ..........pigs.
13. An idle mind is.......... ......... ......... ..the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ..........pollution .
15. Happy the bride who......... ......... .....gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is……………..not much
17. Two's company, three’s……….. The Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ……….spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ......... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind..... Get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than........ ......... ......... ......... . pregnant

[VRM]

Three third graders in East Texas(a Hispanic kid, a Black kid and a
Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Hispanic kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has
the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Hispanic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Black kid. He whips his out and proudly shows
that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only
the longest & biggest, but the fattest too.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had amath
test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my
friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey ?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Javon and Jose each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true,Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one."

[VRM]

A man owned a small ranch in Colorado. The Colorado Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[Rick Parker]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Ron61]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more! She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream!

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought as much!" The doctor said ...

"That's a broken finger!!!

[VRM]

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!


March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C". ....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's. ...they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[SPF604]

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban in a fit of rage sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's a trap, there is really two of them!"

Old, but...sincere

[Ron61]

US Marine Gunny

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them
that he would grant them each one last request before they were
beheaded

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the
chili.

Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the
end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments.

She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass!," insisted
the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M-4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick
you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I
was the aggressor?!"

[wtm442]

John Kerry

[SPF604]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it is, right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

[Ron61]

Seeing as how we're on old folks:

Viagra

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one Of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they
are very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one,and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning
the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa..........

"The hundred is from Grandma

[cindrrrr]

Jon is working at the lumber mill, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I will see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It is 2007. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, ****, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[Wes Tausend]

Hillary for Prez link...
( http://www.michaelhodges.com/missing.html )

[double ugly]

Someone emailed this one to me. It's a good one.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied...

[wtm442]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one Foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, Which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing
a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's
a gust of smoke. And a beautiful genie is standing before
him.
"I will grant you one Wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled With ducks and they
keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No ****!!" says the man,

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Pianist?"