Jokes

[bliss]

Another Famous American converts to Islam...

It is becoming a very scary world out there.
Another Famous American converts to Islam...
It was announced today that Buckwheat Of Our Gang (1950s) fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat...
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
_____

You know you're a redneck when . . .

01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
05. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

[bliss]

After the Honeymoon

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

[bliss]

The price of love....

You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.

Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.

Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.
_____

I went out on a drunk last night and met this gorgeous gal.

We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.

When I woke up, I had the shock of my life.

She'd put on 60 pounds during the night.
_____

It's a commercial, but a great prank nonetheless:

Stress Test

[bliss]

Some cool photos....

[bliss]

A mushroom walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms."

The mushroom says, "But I'm a 'fun guy.'"
_____

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwing'' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never did get back to order.
_____

Every "last nickle"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him
on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places
it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Video of fishing boats re-entering, over the bar, the mouth of the Grey River bar in Greymouth New Zealand.

Navigating the Grey River



Leroy and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Leroy says, "stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?

"She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Leroy and asks, "What now.

What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Leroy replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops his HUGE WILLIE.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to Leroy. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?

[bliss]

Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory in Israel....

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day, he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."

[letsboogie351]

Timbuktu -
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained
the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
destination - Timbuktu.
The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that, they
thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.

[bliss]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!"

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."

[bliss]

My wife found out yesterday that she was adopted, she was devastated and kept asking 'why didn't they want me?'

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still in tears, she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

With hindsight, shouting 'WHO'S YER DADDY?!' halfway through probably wasn't the best idea.
_____

I spent an hour at my wife's grave site this morning. Bless her heart, she thinks I am digging a pond.
_____

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," he said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her
skin tight pants and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

Fully intrigued and aroused, he said, "No."

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pilot father shares discipline technique

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive"

[KevinW]

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by KevinW

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

go for it!

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I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get drunk drinking "Responsibly."

And all the other alcoholic drink makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink Responsibly"

A bonus...

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "No! And go away!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

(Would she still jump?)

[KevinW]

Originally Posted by bliss

go for it!

thats a green light then.....

So:

When the new Pope was elected, apparently there's a new piece of music commissioned to mark the occasion:

Concerto for Organ in A Minor.

[letsboogie351]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[bliss]

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
_____

So, this seems like a strange way to wash a car..