Jokes

[bliss]

A young woman went to an evening class to improve her intimate capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"

"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your Bottom and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."

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So, who's for dinner?

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Act like nothing happened...

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
_____

[letsboogie351]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was appointed, August 2010."

[dave from mesa]

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.........


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."





I replied........"I am taking a dump. What should I do?"

[bliss]

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
_____

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How many rednecks does it take eat a possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

How do you know if a redneck is married? There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama? Nice tooth!

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

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[IMG][/IMG]

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
______

Some trivia.....

Hiding the Lockheed Plant during World War II - wow this is amazing!

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Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones

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Professional makeup - before and after...

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NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

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[letsboogie351]

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

[bliss]

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.

After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it

Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home.

That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"....

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...es_622180a.swf

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s--t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

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