Jokes

[bliss]

Quiz

Think of a number from 1 to 10.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add your age.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.

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Dark, isn't it?
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Required reading....



YIKES!

[bliss]

Happiness...

[letsboogie351]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

[bliss]

An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the others whispers, 'Say something.'

The leader sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'
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[bliss]

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word:

mypenis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
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A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”.
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[bliss]

Man runs into a bar and panting, orders a water glass of Jack.
As he is guzzling it, the bar tender asks what's op?
The man said, "you would drink like this if you had what I have".
"What you got?"
"About two dollars."
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Well, I was wondering if this stuff had a purpose....

[bliss]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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My girlfriend told me to go out and find her something that I think will make her look sexy.

I came back drunk.
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An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
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A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
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Condoms should change colors according to whatever STD they come in contact with.
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[bliss]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says, Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
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Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."

[bliss]

Team play at its best...

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Lucky Escape

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The FBI says
Quote:

Once Jimmy Hoffa is found, we can move on to finding Jimmy Buffett’s lost shaker of salt.
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women!
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[bliss]

Did I read that sign right?

- In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

- In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

- Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

- Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
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Recently, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Colorado he'd be called under-inventoried and needs further education since he needs at least that much stored in two separate "Remote mountain" locations plus that amount at home.

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And...
In Texas, he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy."
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[bliss]

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... Sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

The meaning of life in 13 words……
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f@*k happened”

[bliss]

Why is it that women always say they can multitask, but they can never have a headache and have sex at the same time?
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Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round...and the slices are triangles?
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It's only a gas tank, officer....

[tcrist]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!", more sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F--k him".

[bliss]

These people also vote....



The technology in the new supercars is amazing ...