Jokes

[bliss]

Someone has finally explained the reason why baby diapers have brand
names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies and Pampers" while undergarments for
old people are called "Depends."

You see, when babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv'em and Hug'em and Pamper them. However, when old people $hit in
their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Glad to get that straightened out for you.

_____

[bliss]

Like these? Go here.....

Wikipedia - condensed for your pleasure...

[bliss]

[bliss]

Driver was texting and caused a collision, this was the other drivers reaction!



Kids these days....

[bliss]

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Iran . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
_____

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with
her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked
and with a monster of a hangover. So she rang for the
butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Jameson" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last
night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and
hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I
took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

[bliss]

Not funny....



Funny.....



Fun....(exercise routine)

[bliss]

[bliss]

Not funny......



sort of funny....



strangely funny...



Not funny, again...

[CobraDan]

On APRIL, 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond


Now read the Posted one-liners. A few relate to the article, so read it first!

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13. Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14. I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15. Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16. Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18. Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.

[bliss]

Who is the greatest?


A cow, an ant and an old fool are debating on who is the greatest of the three.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"



>>





>>






>>







>>






>>





Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something.

[bliss]

[Ibr8k4vetts]

See, the Ford knew it had a load and was ready to go!!!

[bliss]

[bliss]

How to cheer up someone in the hospital.....

[392cobra]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in
Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to
jump. (fixin' to is the State Verb of Texas)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, "Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump..you
little Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You're holding up traffic."

[Joe Wicked]

In Texas this is what we call a true story.

[bliss]

[69boss429]

The meaning of aplomb



His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it

was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,

Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!



THAT is aplomb."

[bliss]

So, that's how it's done....




Shaq on the right....

[392cobra]

BREAKING: US Patent Office revokes trademarks on "Green Bay Packers" name; says it offends gay people.