Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 Inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says," What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[cobra de capell]

I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
In ca se you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I tol d you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
To get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
You'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"Y ou're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
You were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
They turn out just like you."

[cobra de capell]

SUMMARY OF THE NEW TESTAMENT (by a 10 year old):

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[cobra de capell]

ClubCobra Trailer Park rules:

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

* Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval (that would be CDC).

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

[cobra de capell]

Oppps....a few more rules:

11. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

12. All window cracks and repairs must be done within 7 days of last party using color coordinated duct tape whenever possible.

13. If grass get too high around trailer wheels, a fine will be imposed on renter, not to exceed the rental of neighbors goat and kids.

14. Lawn mower, car and truck parts are not to be displayed, advertised or kept in the yard for more than 30 days unless they are in original condition, this includes but is not limited to rust, dents, flat tires, broken windows and headlights, dull blades etc. For sale sign must include real name, address, phone number (if any), price in dollars and cents,large enough to be read from the street while driving by with beer in hand.

15. All children found in yard after dark will be referred to the local tavern for collection.

16. Volume of TV will be kept at a reasonable level except where your neighbor's television is broke and wants to listen to the NASCAR races.

17. Harley's are NOT to be kept in the living room.

18. Carports are for cars not your in-laws oversized truck camper.

19. Police are for law enforcement not delivery of your pizza, doughnuts or long lost relatives you saw on late night TV

20. Your neighbors windows are NOT for target practice.

21. Your neighbors dogs are NOT for target practice.

[4pipes]

Dear Walter:



I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my

husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a

mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I

couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making

mad passionate love to her.



I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I

confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and

heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.

He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.

When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was

attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither

of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having

an affair for the past six months.



I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six

months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and

worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he

has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him

anymore.



Can you please help?



Sincerely,



Mrs. Sheila Usk

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris

in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum

pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the

problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low

delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.



I hope this helps.



Walter

[zipzip]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[cobra de capell]

Final Exam

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points) Which tire ?

[cobra de capell]

The Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans

10. Barack to the future!

9. Because the whole "slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name" thing didn't work out so well.

8.. Face it, America: It's me or the Ice Woman.

7. Once you go Barack, you never go back.

6. Hey, what's the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!

5.. You don't want Hillary between two Bush's.

4. Barack by popular demand

3. The choice is as simple as Barack or white

2. America: Movin' on up!

1. Your last chance for a black president before the country's overrun by Mexicans.

[rollinggeorge]

I go to the doctor and tell him of my embarrasing problem.

"Doc every step I take I pass gas...Fortunately they do not smell"

Doc says that not such a big problem he can diagnois it.
Instructs me to strip and take a few steps.

Sure enough I toot across the examining room.

Doctor calls the nurse and instructs to get me in the surgery room immediately....THIS IS VERY SERIOUS!!!!!!

"Doc are you going to operate on my rectum?"

Doc replys.......HELL NO!!!! on your NOSE..........

[cobra de capell]

“Confused, Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door..

First, Johnny, you take off my blouse.... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.. ok, now take off my skirt.... and he takes off her skirt.. now take off my bra....which he does..and now, Johnny, please take off my panties..

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"”

[cobra de capell]

E-Breasts......

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts”

[cobra de capell]

“A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear.

They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what
this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course..."



You're gonna love this...






"The Czech is in the male."”

[cobra de capell]

“Bill Clinton explaining his seventh commandment problems to St. Peter: "Oh 'thou shalt not commit!', I thought it said 'admit'...."
_____

“What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine "”
____

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

[cobra de capell]

“OPTIMISTIC man vs. PROACTIVE man"

As the optimistic man is retiring for the night he grabs a bottle of aspirin. His wifes asks "why the asprin?". He replies "in case you get a headache dear".

As the proactive man is retiring for the night he grabs a bottle of aspirin. His wifes asks "why the asprin?". He replies "its for your headache dear".

"But I don't have a headache" she says.

The proactive man smiles.”

[cobra de capell]

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[cobra de capell]

Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!

[cobra de capell]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[cobra de capell]

“A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but
the customer decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have
some very good roast beef today."

"Sounds good," says the customer.

So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast
beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The
customer is irked, but decides to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.

"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb
stuck in the pie. Now the customer is pissed but decides to
let it go since he is almost finished.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter. And when the customer nods yes,
he hurries off, only to return with his thumb stuck in the
cup of coffee.

By now the customer can no longer restrain himself. "What
the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come
to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my
thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your a$$?"

"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"”

[cobra de capell]

15 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...
they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then
you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of
the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame
yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.”