Jokes

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New Dictionary

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex
with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
within the next 3 mins

14.! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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Overpopulation of Nerds

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

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What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

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Crazy Math

In an insane asylum, three 'liberal' patients are up for release (YIKES!). The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?"

"274," he replies.

The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man proudly.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community.. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

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A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

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A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive............

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HER DIARY
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.

















HIS DIARY
Today the Red Sox lost, but at least I got laid!

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An older Italian man who needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he lay on the operating table about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember ... if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you!"

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What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment
NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[Don]

From:

www.borowitzreport.com

Calls Cashier’s Query ‘Hypothetical’


Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) raised eyebrows in Iowa today when she refused to respond to a supermarket cashier’s question about her preference for paper or plastic bags, calling the inquiry “totally hypothetical.”

Mrs. Clinton’s aversion to hypothetical questions has been a hallmark of her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, but her refusal to answer the paper-or-plastic query during a campaign stop in Davenport took even some of her closest supporters aback.

The New York senator had stopped by the local supermarket for a photo opportunity, but her appearance ran off the rails when she was blindsided by the cashier’s unexpected question.

“This paper-or-plastic business is one of those ‘gotcha’ questions that I’m not going to get into,” Mrs. Clinton said. “I don’t want to be in a situation where I’ve chosen one and that takes the other one totally off the table.”

Shunning both paper and plastic, Mrs. Clinton left the store clutching an unwieldy assortment of groceries in her bare hands.

The paper-or-plastic controversy was the second bump in the road for Mrs. Clinton today, coming just hours after a citizen who posed a question to her in a town hall meeting was revealed to be her husband, former President Bill Clinton, dressed as a woman.

President Clinton, wearing a blonde wig and an Ann Taylor wrap dress, asked Mrs. Clinton, “Will your presidency continue the glorious legacy of my – I mean your husband’s – terms in office?”

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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque."


The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

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“I suppose,” snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, “that when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die, just so you can spit on my grave.”

“Not me,” said the private. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”



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The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn’t until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.



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This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.

“WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??” the drill sergeant hollered.

In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, “I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, ‘if that sucker thinks I’m going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he’s certainly an uncanny judge of character.



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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.



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A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can’t agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.

He answers, “Well, if you really ask my opinion, I’d say it’s all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB’s would have me doing it!”



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In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.

“Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses?!” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!!”

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On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

And that's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

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For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.
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Al Gore's Recent Trip


Buffeted by heated criticism recently, over his own huge personal 'carbon footprint', Al Gore resolved to travel by commercial airline, instead of his usual private jet, to his next dog-and-pony show on 'global warming', in a far-distant city.

He boarded the plane and found his seat next to a little girl. After fastening his seatbelt, he turned to his seatmate (who had, until now, been pretty successful in her efforts to totally ignore him), and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that these long flights go much quicker if you can strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book to read, closed it slowly and said, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said Al. "...How about 'climate change'?"

"Okay" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. ...But first let me ask you one question...

...A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. ...Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. ...Why do you suppose that is?"

Al thought about it for a moment and said, "Hmmm... I really have no idea."

...to which the little girl replied, "...So how is it that you feel qualified to discuss a highly-complex topic such as the world's climate, when it's already pretty evident that you really ...don't know sh*t?"

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Ethics test for lawyers
THE SCENARIO


While you are on the phone, a client comes into your office to pay his bill. Seeing you are busy, he simply leaves the cash on your desk and departs. When you get off the phone, you pick up the money and find that what you (and probably he) thought was only one hundred dollar bill is really two one hundred dollar bills stuck together. (You know this because he only owes you $100).


THE TEST


Do you tell your partners about this additional income?


THE CORRECT ANSWER


Cash isn't income.
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A plane full of 250 lawyers heading to an ABA convention is hijacked by terrorists.

The terrorists make their demand:

$5,000,000 or they will begin releasing one lawyer every hour...
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A blind Rabbit was going through the forrest and met a Frog. The Frog was also blind and asked the Rabbit " What do you look like? The Rabbit told the Frog to feel him and see if he could guess. The Frog felt him and said "You have long ears, and a soft, round tail". "You must be a Rabbit". The Rabbit said "Yes, you are right." The Rabbit said " Now, let me see if I can tell what you are". So the Rabbit felt the Frog and said, "You are small and slimy". "Oh, You must be a Lawyer!"
_____

A farmer was once asked how many lawyers it would take to grease a combine. His answer was :

Just one, but you have to run him through the machine really slowly.
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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do.

"I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said.

"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.

"I know all about what's going on in government," the l awyer said. "I'll be an advisor."

"We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate.

"Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."

"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.

With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."

"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."
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Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young familes were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesing conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

[cobra de capell]

This received from an unidentified correspondent in the Department of Defense.

“Towel Heads”

Recently I received a warning about the use of this
politically incorrect term.

Please try to pay attention.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not
like to be called “Towel Heads” since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
“little sheet heads.”

Thank you for your support on this delicate matter.

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An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!