Jokes

[bliss]

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
_____

What are the three fastest means of disseminating information?

1. Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman
_____

[bliss]

Sort of like riding in a Cobra...

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

My wife packed 2 suitcases for me to speed up tossing me out of the house. As I stalked past the wench, she screamed, "I hope you die a long slow death, you SOB!"

I turned around and asked, "Oh, so you changed your mind and want me to stay then?"
_____

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that!!!
_____

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........




"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[dave from mesa]

Monica Lewinsky Update

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

[bliss]

Monica Lewinsky Update

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

[bliss]

[bliss]

The Secret Of A Contented Married Life

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life: "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"

"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."

His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"

"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
_____

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation? "

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
_____

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first boy came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?” No, take a seat.

The second boy came to the door and said, “I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?” No, take a seat.

The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. “Hello, my name is Chuck.”

The farmer shot Chuck.
_____

If women are so great at multitasking then why is it so hard for them to have sex and a headache at the same time?
_____

Church Bulletins! - Part 1

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

[Legless]

And one for our jandle wearing chillibin carrying bros across the ditch eh...


For those who haven't heard:
New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[bliss]

This old couple was married for over 50 years. the husband died. The wife was depressed. She decided to shoot herself in the heart. She wanted to be sure of her hearts location so she called the medical advice line and asked where her heart was. The nurse told her it was under her left breast. She said thanks and hung up. She was admitted to the hospital today with a gunshot wound to her knee
_____

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

This old couple was married for over 50 years. the husband died. The wife was depressed. She decided to shoot herself in the heart. She wanted to be sure of her hearts location so she called the medical advice line and asked where her heart was. The nurse told her it was under her left breast. She said thanks and hung up. She was admitted to the hospital today with a gunshot wound to her knee
_____

Do you have a job?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by Mark IV

Do you have a job?

Yes, spending the money I made when I did work.
_____

[dave from mesa]

Originally Posted by bliss

Yes, spending the money I made when I did work.

Hey
I have the same job. Finally something I am good at.

[letsboogie351]

AUSSIE HELP LINE.

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her p**ssy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

[bliss]

When the cop said he was going to give the guy a ticket for rolling stop, the guy says, "What would you do if I called you a dirty rotten SOB?
The cop replied,"I would write on the ticket that you used abusive language and were uncooperative."
The guy says, "What if I just thought it?"
The cop says "I can't document what you think."
Guy says, "OK. I think you are a dirty rotten SOB."

[bliss]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
_____

The top ten things men understand about women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
_____

Encouraging happy thoughts....

[bliss]

Which Barbie did your wife/girl friend have growing up?

Princess Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at Saks. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Princess Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Yuppie Barbie.

Girls Who Lunch Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Yuppi Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Redneck Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Green Earth Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Green Earth Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Dropout Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Trailer Trash Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Trailer Trash Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a skimpy halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.



So, you're driving along in your Cobra ........

[bliss]

REDNECK SENSITIVITY

This one ll bring a tear to your eye..


Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Bud.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
_____

OJ Simpson Doll HD

[bliss]

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.
_____