Jokes

[bliss]

THE ORIGINAL TEXT

Hi Bob. This is Alan next door. I'm sorry, buddy, but I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

THE REACTION

Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to contemplate his next move. He took out his phone to make the call to the police and saw he had another message.

THE SECOND TEXT

Hi Bob. This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
_____

[bliss]

My wife just had plastic surgery....

I cut up all her credit cards!
_____

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odor.

On my last two dates the woman sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
_____

Girls mature faster than guys…

Men don’t usually develop breasts until their 50’s or 60’s.
_____

Minimization...

[Buzz]

Downsizing!

[Jaydee]

Still trying to get my tongue of the floor.
JD

[bliss]

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh..... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 & beyond!
...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge..

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER,NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

[bliss]

Facebook, in Real Life.

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and, I tell them I love them and, it works! I already have 6 people following me:

- 2 police officers;
- a psychiatrist;
- and a staff of 3 from the local Insane Asylum's Ambulance-Capture-Crew.
_____

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.* Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,*"For*God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"*
_____

A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a dozen Viagra pills.
The pharmacist asks, "Do you have a prescription?"
He replies: "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
_____

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give BJ.

Every morning when I get to work I get a BJ. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."
_____

More than anything else, doughnuts have contributed to my personal growth.
_____

Are you a real pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[bliss]

Somebody knocks on door:
Who is there? Police?
What do you want? We want to talk.
How many of you are there? Two.
So talk with each other.
_____

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".