Jokes

[VRM]

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *****," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

[VRM]

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."
Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow."
He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

[VRM]

THE CURTAIN RODS:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

[Don]

Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT L IVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?

[Ron61]

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 in. of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ." Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."