Jokes

[VRM]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN


#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

[VRM]

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed 3 times, then said 'Oh. ****e.', then cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.".

[VRM]

~1~
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

~2~
Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

~3~
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

~4~
For high blood pressure sufferers:
simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

~5~
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

~6~
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
Then you will be afraid to cough.

~7~
Have a bad toothache?
Smash your thumb with a hammer
and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends.
You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

[VRM]

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me
it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The
long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so
I could spend weekends with her, and the advice her used to
give!

Much was wasted because I was so young. If she were alive today
and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers
enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd
find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

And she answered, "Makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[VRM]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1.Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

2.Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.): a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n ): a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.

15. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[VRM]

A farmer boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy, weathered old woman in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the woman rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother".

[VRM]

From the Mouths of Babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot, and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.
Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."

DANI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and "flee" out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

AND FINALLY, THE BEST FOR LAST!

THE SERMON
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly, in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"