Jokes

[bliss]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.

[bliss]

Just in case you missed it, here's some input as to warming up for a race...

[bliss]

[bliss]

Zen....

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
_____

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
_____

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

[bliss]

Count every 'F' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...



HOW MANY?














WRONG, THERE ARE 6!
READ IT AGAIN !













Really, go back and try to find the six F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process 'OF'.

Incredible or what?
Go back and look again!
Anyone who counts all six 'F's' on the first go is a genius!
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

[bliss]

A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.

The driver said, "Officer, could you just give me a warning?"

So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.

[Jaydee]

Woman goes to the Doctor, he says,'you''ve got cancer' she says,
I like a second opinion. "yer, and your bloody ugly as well'
JD

[bliss]

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
_____

I'm stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
_____

Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.
The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
_____

I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.

Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.
_____

I got in touch with my inner self today....

That's the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
_____

[bliss]

Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.

I was a lot thinner back then!

[bliss]

Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.

"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"

"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...

You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"

"Yes it did, but"

"You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"

"And this too, came true, but..."

"And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"

"Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that's not what I meant!!!"

[bliss]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[bliss]

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."


There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[bliss]

"The car won`t start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."



Old, but a classic....Trunk Monkey...

[bliss]

Latest Cardiovascular Exercise

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.

Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.




























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job

Have a glass of Wine

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

There is a new household cleaner being test marketed in the midwest called
"Bachelor." I thought it seemed like a strange name for a soap until I saw the
slogan being used. "It Works Fast, And Leaves No Ring!"
_____

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.

“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.

“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

[bliss]

....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. - Unknown Male Author

....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. - Unknown Female Author
_____

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare-naked down the streets of a little town in Minnesota.
The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole, what in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat playboy Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?" his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into da bedroom!'
So, vee all go into the bedroom, where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'
Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, yah, I guess I'm the first one here."
_____

[bliss]

Top 10 signs your Amish son is in trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

And the number one sign your Amish son is in trouble:

1. He's wearing his big black hat backward!

[bliss]

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."



.......and that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.