Jokes

[Wes Tausend]

...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
...

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you while you're trying to nap, you could try this.

Very slowly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen, ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it, and hit this link.

( http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf )

...

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:*

* 40-ish...................................49.
* Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic................................No breasts.
* Average looking....................Moooo.
* Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
* Feminist..............................Fat.
* Free Spirit...........................Junkie.
* Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s
* Open-minded.......................Desperate.
* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional.........................B***h.
* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
* Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate..................Stalker.

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: *

* Yes.......................................No
* No........................................Yes
* Maybe..................................No
* We need...............................I want
* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk.....................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead......................You better not
* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:*

* I am hungry.............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy..............................I am sleepy
* I am tired................................I am tired
* Nice dress...............................Nice boobs!
* I love you................................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?.............I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?...........I'd like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?...I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?.....I'd like to have sex with you.


...

[cobra de capell]

[BigGuy]

Southern Wisdom



An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like
many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a
Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he
picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be. ; And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed
his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted
the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect
them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a Congressman!²