Jokes

[cobra de capell]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT :

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[cobra de capell]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87,
wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it,
several hours have passed .

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?”

“Sex!!” he replies.

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a
gun to your head!”

“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.

Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay. She
walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the
pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don’t have?”

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”

[cobra de capell]

You know you live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


You know you live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.

3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You know you live in Alaska when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.


You know you live in the Deep South when...

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names.


You know you live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.


You know you live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You know you live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[cobra de capell]

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old Blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.
______

CROCHETED DOLLS


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls, and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in th box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[Ron61]

I D is important

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a >farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your Farm." The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land...no questions asked or answered.
Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on The Rep
at every step...and the old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!"

[Ron61]

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from
San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose
Truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car
And asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three
Hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
Chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
The San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already
So I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two
Chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of
The blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
Seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
Through the heart of San Diego when suddenl y he
Was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
The street and holding hands with the two chimps,
Much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road
And ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you
Doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take
These chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we
Had money left over---so now we're going to Sea
World

[Ron61]

Secrets of a long marriage

At the church's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, regarding his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'm-a tried to treat her a-well, spend-a da money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th- anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied,

"I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

[cobra de capell]

Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it: or with lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary
______a Cold Beer
______a Rum and Coke
______a Martini
______a Vodka on the rocks
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________ Date:_________________________

[cobra de capell]

• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced...

• Bigamy is having one wife too many... Some say monogamy is the same...

• Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring...

• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

• My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog to pull us apart...

• Why do men die before their wives? They want to...

• What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 shots of tequila...

• A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
_____

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

[cobra de capell]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
_____

Why does it take women longer to be sexualy satisfied than men??

.

.

.

.

.

Who cares?
______

Why do women have hips?

.

.

.

.

.

.

To hold the laundry basket.
_____

What food is known to destroy 95% of the female sex drive?
.

.

.

.

Wedding cake.
_____

toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

[cobra de capell]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

[cobra de capell]

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

"Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,
but she swerved in time to avoid them. "A$$H$$$S!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

[cobra de capell]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

[DRAGON]

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head toward the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take of upstairs.

The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb."

[cobra de capell]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel

[cobra de capell]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[cobra de capell]

A man opens his back door to let his dog in. The dog is lying out in the yard, stiff, legs in the air, won't respond. Man panics, puts dog in the car and speeds to the vet.

Vet examines the dog, says "There is nothing I can do. Your dog is dead."

Man says "I can't believe it, can you do some tests?"

Vet gets mean old tomcat from the back room, holds up to dog. The cat hisses, takes a swipe across the dogs nose with his claws. Dog does not respond.

Vet says "See? Your dog is dead."

Man says "Can you do another test?"

Vet gets a golden lab from the back room, which sniffs at the stiff dog, looks up with sad eyes, and gives a mournful sigh.

Man says "Well, it looks like you were right. What do I owe you?"

Vet says "$520"

Man says "$520 just to tell me my dog is dead?"

Vet says: "$20 for the office visit, $200 for the cat scan and $300 for the lab work."

[cobra de capell]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[cobra de capell]

One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.



G-d thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."



So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.



Do you know what the e-mail said? ...




















Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!!!

[cobra de capell]

Inheriting a Fortune

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles
bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over
20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.

Men will never learn.