Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Obama’s latest gaffe occurred in San Francisco when he attempted to persuade white working-class voters who, he said, fell through the cracks during the Bush and Clinton administrations.

“So it’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,”

Somewhere in rural Pennsyvania….
“So how’d it go at the unemployment office today, Jim-Bob?”

“I’m so dang frustrated! The government isn’t listening to me! Where’s my dang gun, Shirley?”

“Where it always is, next to the potatoes in the pantry. Can you explain your frustrations, Jim-Bob?”

“Yeah! I’ll explain ‘em! Watch this!”

Blam! Blam! Blam!

“Would you watch out with that thing? There’s another hole in the water heater, and you almost hit the damn parakeet!”

“Well too bad I didn’t hit one ‘a them durn immigrants! They’re all diffrunt from me!”

“Well dear, you know there’s a tent revival tonight, at least that’s something we can cling to.”

“I don’t know Shirley. If only there was some way we could bring about a… a… change in America.”

“Well now that you mention it Jim-Bob, I was watchin the tee-vee over at the hairdressers today, and there was this nice young man on with some kind of funny A-rab soundin’ name. I didn’t understand what he was sayin’, but whatever it was made me feel good inside, like there was hope again.”

“Ohhhh yeah. That negro fellow at the bowlin alley. First time I’ve ever seen a negro at the bowlin’ alley, huh.”

“Well that’s just it. Such an articulate young man. Even though I didn’t understand nothin’, it was like, I felt like I was floatin’ up on a big fluffy cloud, with all the immigrants, and everybody else, even that blockhead brother of yours. And we were all friends, there was this, like, unity.”

“Wow Shirley – that’s great! If only there was someone like that in the central govmint as the President! Someone that would listen to my concerns for a change!”

“Well maybe there can be now, Jim-Bob. Why don’t you put that gun down, and lets eat these beans, before they get cold.”

Halp Osama! Us crackerns be meshed up good hear 'n Altoona.

[Excaliber]

de capell, your such a phucking idiot I'm getting really sick of even seeing your sorry a$$ around Club Cobra.

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by Excaliber

de capell, your such a phucking idiot I'm getting really sick of even seeing your sorry a$$ around Club Cobra.

So, what do you plan to do about it, dirtbag?

What about you PMing your address and I'll send someone over to discuss this with you?

Oh, here's a visual as I know you often don't understand words..........

[Jamo]

Phukme...the "Joke" thread is hereby closed temporarily until a general sense of humor returns.

[Jamo]

Reopened for business...a bit of discretion with the jokes would be peachy.

[cobra de capell]

There were two brothers. One rich, the other poor.

The poor one used to complain that his rich brother ignored him.

One day, the rich one died. The poor brother turned up for the will-reading.

The lawyer said there was 50k for this and 100k for that, and 200k for the other. he ended the recital with,

"And to my brother, who says I've always ignored him, "Hi."
______

He. Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?
She. Why,er, yes!
He. Would you go to bed with me for one dollar.
She. Certainly not, what kind of woman do you think I am?
He. We've already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're just haggling over the price.
_____

Here are the "Best Divorce Letter" and the "Best Response Thereto".

"Best Divorce letter"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

and then the......

"Best Response to a Divorce Letter"

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[cobra de capell]

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.
______

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."

[cobra de capell]

One Man’s Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to mess yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “ Oh my God!”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Subject: Robot





John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His
wife Marsha
had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John
claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when
Tommy, their
11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they
asked. "Several
of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The
Robot then
walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his
chair.

"Son, this robot i
s a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" a sked Marsha. "'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went
around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a
tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my
parents." The
robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly
knocked him out
of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for
that one! And
you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"



The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[cobra de capell]

A little Arkansas-Louisiana humor ....


Bubba had been going to Arkansas for 11 years and just couldn't graduate. One day, the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says, "Bubba, we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time of the homecoming football game, We are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."

Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night And day for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day With homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with Arkansas students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do. The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your Question?" Bubba said he was.

The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 X 3?"

Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to the microphone and said, "9?"

Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Arkansas students, Alumni and faculty jumped up and yelled..............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

[cobra de capell]

Subject: FW: Southern Living


Kentucky: The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Kentucky women.

Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the success ful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana: A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tennessee: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

[cobra de capell]

Dirty Dishes ~


A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.

He inquires about it with the owner, "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well" says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."

So the guy buys the bike...and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic being a Harley fan.

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.

When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey" she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem" he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks... dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So...he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.

So...he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So...he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

'Her Mom's kinda cute'...he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.

Again,...total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly...the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes!!!"

[dave from mesa]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk


She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.


Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.


It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'


'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly


'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.


'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[cobra de capell]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...

English I Love You

Spanish Te Amo

French Je T'aime

German lch Liebe Dich

Japanese Ai ****e Imasu

Thai Phom rak khun

Italian Ti amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
South >>Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana, >>Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia, Kentucky,
parts of Florida:

Nice Ass! Get in the truck!

[cobra de capell]

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they asked. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM ... OK?"

[cobra de capell]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied ...’It’s not talcum powder......It’s ‘Miracle Grow!
_____

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

‘Well’ he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes.’

The little girl screams ‘Don’t eat it, Don’t eat it, it’s an ass hole!’
____

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. Spot! Called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young mans feet. Relieved at the dogs having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. Spot! She called out sharply. I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and Ill feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. Spot!!! Shrieked the mother. Get over here before he craps on you!

[Bugman]

Breaking News: CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!

[cobra de capell]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

[cobra de capell]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road, under heavy gunfire I might add. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never _cra...#@&&^(C%_ (mailto:cra...#@&&^(C) ....... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: Why did the chicken cross the road? I don’t know, but I’d hit it!
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? .........We need some black chickens!

JEREMIAH WRIGHT: He was one of America’s chickens. Coming home to roost.
BARBARA WALTERS: I slept with that chicken. Read about it in my autobiography.
KEITH OLBERMANN (Special comment): Mr. Bush, the chicken has crossed the road. Resign, sir!
OBAMA (when asked the second time): Hey, I already answered like six questions today. Let me get back to my waffle. (mumbles) Dumb cracker. HEY! Turn that thing off!
NANCY PELOSI: Chickens in America today suffer terrible injustices caused by this administration. I will propose legislation tomorrow that will help all chickens get the “help they need” to cross the road. Our country can no longer ignore the plight of these chickens. Chickens have been held back by Bush policies for too long and we will help them.
DER GOVERNATOR: “Yes, da chicken did cross da roat. But, it vowed: “I’ll be baaaack, bck, bck, bckaaa!”.”
RON PAUL: There is nothing in the Constitution about chickens or roads. Clearly this chicken is engaged in un-Constitutional Acts.
HOMER SIMPSON: MMMmmmmmm, chicken.
BILL O’REILLY: Because the chicken is a pinhead. I’ll give the chicken the last word. (Chicken: bk bka...) CLEARLY you are wrong. nameandtownnameandtownnameandtown if you wish to opine, and do NOT be a chicken crossing the road.

[cobra de capell]

In a statement released early this morning, presumptive Democratic Party nominee Senator Barack Obama, (D-Ill) speculated Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans would be a "Spectacular" choice for FEMA director.

Said a spokesperson, "In light of the hurricane disasters caused by global warming and the Bush administrations inability to cope with the devastating effects, we feel in a Democratic Party regime Mayor Ray Nagin would be a spectacular choice to head the federal emergency team. His prolific actions during the evacuation of New Orleans during the Katrina catastrophe saved thousands of lives and serves as a model for the rest of the country. Since he was able to effectively tell the Republican controlled Federal Government how to do their jobs, we feel he's the perfect Democrat to put his knowledge, leadership and foresight to use as the head of FEMA. In conclusion, the public perception of Mayor Nagin as a disorganized nincompoop who isn't able to organize a one car parade is simply not grounded in reality."

Upon hearing this news, Al Gore issued the following statement, "I fully agree with this choice. I would also like to encourage him to begin the evacuation of New Orleans immediately. Global Warming will cause oceans to rise 30 feet in the next 20 years, and it only takes a rise of 7 feet to flood the soup bowl known as New Orleans. Of course, the French Quarter can stay because 2nd story balconies are where the hot chicks show their hooters."

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