Jokes

[cobra de capell]

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties!

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not”
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some! It¢s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
> > loud pounding on the door.
> >
> > The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger,
> > standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.
> > ' Not a chance ', said the husband,' its 3 o'clock in the morning!
> > 'He slammed the door and returned to bed.
> > 'Who was that? 'Asked his wife.
> > 'Just some drunken guy asking for a push ', he answered.
> >
> > 'Did you help him? 'She asked.
> > 'No! I did not! It's 3 o' clock in the morning and it's pouring out
> > there! '
> >
> > ' Well, you have a short memory,' said his wife, ' Can't you
> > remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two
> > guys helped us?
> > ''I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
> > '
> >
> > The man did as he is told, got dressed, and went out into the
> > pouring rain.
> >
> > He called out into the dark, ' Hello, are you still there? '
> >
> > 'Yes ' came back the answer.
> >
> > 'Do you still need a push? ', called out the husband.
> >
> > "Yes, please! " came the reply from the dark.
> >
> > 'Where are you? 'Asked the husband.
> >
> > 'Over here..... On the swing! 'Replied the drunk.
> >

[cobra de capell]

Actually, not a joke - I'll bet that that is an interesting ride!

[Joe Wicked]

I saw a video of that a while back. I want one

[Don]

January 22, 2008
Bill Clinton Acting ‘Like a Madman,’ Says Kim Jong-Il


North Korean Leader Urges Former Prez to ‘Dial it Down’


Former President Bill Clinton is behaving “like a madman” as he campaigns for his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), and needs to get control over his erratic outbursts, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il said today.

While the reclusive Mr. Kim rarely comments on U.S. politics, the North Korean president said that he felt “compelled” to speak out because Mr. Clinton’s behavior on the campaign trail “had gone too far.”

“When I see him popping off like that, I wonder if he knows that he looks like a lunatic,” Mr. Kim told reporters in Pyongyang. “I really think the guy needs to dial it down a little.”

As a head of state, Mr. Kim said that “it gives him the willies” when he sees other world leaders behaving in a seemingly unhinged manner: “I wouldn’t want people who see Bill Clinton losing it conclude that we’re all a bunch of whackjobs.”

Mr. Kim’s words found support from another head of state, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, who said that he, too, was “troubled” by the former U.S. president’s “kooky rants.”

“I would strongly advise Bill Clinton that before he opens his mouth, count to ten first.” Mr. Chavez said.

But perhaps the most somber assessment of the former president came today from British singer Amy Winehouse, who called Mr. Clinton’s antics “a desperate cry for help.”

“Bill Clinton needs an intervention,” Ms. Winehouse said. “I hope it’s not too late.”

Elsewhere, Iran called its recent encounter with American warships an “accident,” blaming the entire episode on Mapquest.

Source:

The Borowitz Report .com

[Ron61]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too.

[cobra de capell]

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
____
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself."

____
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

____
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

____
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

_____
A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaiade ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

____
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

____
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

_____
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

[Joe Wicked]

This Week in History



Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?
California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[392cobra]

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, trying to gather support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "you havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's a$$?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's a$$."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[uncltodd]

Kinda OT, but I have been even more depressed than usual the last few days.

Momma was at church, so I called the Helpline. Like so many organizations, they have "outsourced" to Pakistan.

I found myself on a conference call with two Pakistanis that barely spoke English.

I told them that I was having suicidal thoughts.

They got all excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a truck.

UT, courtesy of Oklahoma Deadhorse Mustangs

[EarlsflyinCobra]

When you have a
'I Hate My Job'
day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it wil l not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality contr ol department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[cobra de capell]

Butch
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

[cobra de capell]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[cobra de capell]

For those coming to Phoenix for the Super Bowl

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: “FEE-NICKS”.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the “I-10” are the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to inform them that it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. Visitors, tourists and illegals need to rent Hummers.

14. Snowbirds drive 40’ long trailers, never exceed 35 mph, and don’t use turn signals. However, they are rarely packing guns——

15. WELCOME TO OUR FREEWAYS; ENJOY YOUR COMMUTE!!!

[cobra de capell]

This may be a repeat, but we need to be reminded....

Perspective.....

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend.
2. a companion.
3. a lover.
4. a brother.
5. a father.
6. a master.
7. a chef.
8. an electrician.
9. a carpenter.
10. a plumber.
11. a mechanic.
12. a decorator.
13. a stylist.
14. a sexologist.
15. a gynecologist.
16. a psychologist.
17. a pest exterminator.
18. a psychiatrist.
19. a healer.
20. a good listener.
21. an organizer.
22. a good father.
23. very clean.
24. sympathetic.
25. athletic.
26. warm.
27. attentive.
28. gallant.
29. intelligent.
30. funny.
31. creative.
32. tender.
33. strong.
34. understanding.
35. tolerant.
36. prudent.
37. ambitious.
38. capable.
39. courageous.
40. determined.
41. true.
42. dependable.
43. passionate.
44. compassionate.
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly.
46. love shopping.
47. be honest.
48. be very rich.
49. not stress her out.
50. not look at other girls.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays.
* anniversaries.
* arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer .

[cobra de capell]

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl contenders.”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God... at least Dopey’s survived!”



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What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?

A full set of teeth!



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Why did the NY Jets players miss their flight for the big game?

They were stuck on a broken escalator!



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You’re trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of Denver Broncos. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Bronco’s fan… twice.



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What do you call a Buffalo Bill’s fan with half a brain?

Gifted!



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Why are the Arizona Cardinals like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.



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What does the N stand for on the sides of the nebraska football helmets?

Knowledge!



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Why did UT choose Orange for the team color?

So the fans could wear it on Saturday to the game, on Sunday to go hunting, and the rest of the week picking up garbage on the highways.



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Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?

A. A thief



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Q. Why doesn’t Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?

A. Because then Cleveland would want one.



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Q. What do you call Bears quarterback on the Colts’ 10-yard line?

A. Lost



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What do you say to a Raiders fan with a job?

“I’ll have a Big Mac, fries and a coke, please.”

[cobra de capell]

HALF TIME SHOW FOR SUPER BOWL



Featuring Mike Vick and Happy the Wonder Dog!

[Ron61]

Married Couple



A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and
especially this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my
darling husband" .

The fairy waved her magic wand ; and - poof! - two t ickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart ".
" I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.

But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved he r magic wand, and - Poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember; Fairies are Female.



"When we laugh at our problems, we will
always have something to laugh about."