An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.”
The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
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Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers. Nope. There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT). There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor. When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.
These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch. They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year. IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need. Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.
Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten. As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.
IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified. CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever. It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.
It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.
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The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"
She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..
"That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br> The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Queen slapped her.
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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page...So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
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