Jokes

[cobra de capell]

DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years.

The two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzellady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
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An interesting analysis...

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer 's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years. (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no *****ing and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
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C-130 vs. F-16

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled, 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
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The lawn mower experience



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.