Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
ribbon salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to
Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic
buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says laughingly, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."


Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up
to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic.


He calls Goldstein and yells, "You putz, what's going on? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!"

Goldstein replies calmly and in a soft voice: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
_____

Go here to see a nice red car.....http://averagjoe.com/0831f4

[cobra de capell]

Putting a twist on the camping experience



A tourist hiking in rural Wales comes across a man crouched behind a sheep, holding it still.

"Excuse me", says the tourist, "Are you shearing?"

"F**k off" comes the reply. "Find your own!"
_____

I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue "Service"
US Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable TV "Service"
State, City, County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"

None of these are what I thought "Service" meant

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
_____

Engineering Down Below

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and
building improvements


After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"


Satan replies, "Hey things are going great We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what
an engineer is going to come up with next."


God replies, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."


Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."


God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


Satan laughs uproariously and answers,


"Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

_____

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama".

[cobra de capell]

All Y'all southerners:

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The
crick


Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern
charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,

you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly what “a bait” of something is.

_____


Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:

"Going to town, be back directly ."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when

"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and

"a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____

Only a Southerner, both
knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows
tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk..
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way.
_________________________________

There's an email circulating linking swine flu to eating canned ham.

Ignore it. It's patently false, and besides, it's Spam.
______

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH:

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1.. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number


|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are



YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
_____

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).