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Kirkham Motorsports

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  #1301 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2017, 12:06 PM
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Just dropping by to say hi gents.

Tru
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  #1302 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2017, 01:29 AM
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Hi Tru, any new books I should read?

Doug
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  #1303 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2017, 01:31 AM
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The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that there can be value in solving problems without using violence”.
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  #1304 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2017, 01:50 AM
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Roflmao !:lol:
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  #1305 (permalink)  
Old 04-25-2017, 03:38 PM
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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.



He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000!"



Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?"



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."



Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500".



Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.



Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."



Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that's Gasoline!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."



Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.



Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)



Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".



Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.



ENJOY YOUR DAY !!



P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
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Harrison #100
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  #1306 (permalink)  
Old 04-27-2017, 03:51 PM
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Default French Blind Date

https://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0
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  #1307 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2017, 01:00 AM
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GT40 coming up for sale...

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  #1308 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2017, 01:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jcraigau View Post
GT40 coming up for sale...

Let me guess.
Confiscated?
Possible ATO issues?
Hmmm.
What do I win?
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  #1309 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2017, 08:11 PM
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What gave it away? The popo uniform?
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  #1310 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2017, 12:51 AM
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A Tennessee farmer got home after a long day of working in the fields, and was feeling mighty horny. He went to his wife and asked her if she felt like a roll in the hay.

His wife replied, “No Michael, our son will be home from school any minute now.”

“So what?” Michael replied. “We can just turn on the dishwasher and he won’t hear a peep.”

She replied, “No way Michael,” and that was that.

Michael got frustrated and decided to go take a ride on his tractor to let off some steam.

By the time their son had gotten home, the wife had changed her mind. She asked her son to go out to his father and tell him to come home and turn on the dishwasher.

The son went out and told the farmer what the mother had said.

Michael replied, “Tell your mother that it’s too late. I already did the dishes by hand!”

' pinched from facebook'
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Harrison #100
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  #1311 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2017, 09:53 PM
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Default I'm back

After having a stroke in 2014 the Rms took my licence off me and I thought I would never drive again and as a result I sold my cobra to a fellow member of the nsw club so after 4 years of rehab I have improved so much that I can get my licence back albeit with conditions. So I will be looking at building another cobra. Does anybody have an unfinished kit or know of one. My left side is partly dodgy so something with an auto is ideal
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  #1312 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2017, 11:27 PM
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This is fantastic news Brett
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  #1313 (permalink)  
Old 07-25-2017, 08:18 PM
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My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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  #1314 (permalink)  
Old 07-26-2017, 04:14 AM
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely ****-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
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  #1315 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2017, 03:36 PM
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As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport,
President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr President,
please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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  #1316 (permalink)  
Old 07-31-2017, 11:32 PM
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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  #1317 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2017, 03:09 AM
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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.
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  #1318 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2017, 05:17 AM
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... ok

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  #1319 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2017, 05:03 PM
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I went to my nearby Amcal Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
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Old 09-13-2017, 04:04 PM
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Subject: Marriage
Are you confused !

This story may help you decide which way to vote.


Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?", said the clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under law.
If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license…….. Next."


"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. ……..Next."


"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together.
Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"


...Don't laugh, it's just a matter of time.
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