A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You
know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"I have an idea. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to
strip naked.

When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE











PULLING POWER!

A horse and a chicken were playing
in a meadow. The horse fell into a
mud hole and is started to sink.
The horse instructed the chicken
to get the farmer so that he could
be pulled to safety. The chicken
ran to the farm but the farmer was
nowhere to be found. Without a
moment to spare, the chicken got
into the farmer's BMW and drove
back to the mud hole. Then, the
chicken tied some rope around the
bumper, threw the other end of
the rope to her friend, the horse,
and proceeded to pull the horse
to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and
the horse were playing in the meadow
again. This time around, the chicken
fell into the mud hole. The chicken
instructed the horse to get the farmer
so that she could be pulled to safety.

Replied the horse, "Here's the plan...
I'll stand over the hole..." The horse
stretched over the length of the hole
and continued, "Now, just grab for
my penis and pull yourself to saftey."

The chicken obliged reluctantly and
pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung
like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.








A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.** So, she left a note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons
of milk.** When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake.** He thought she probably meant
1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.** The
blonde came to the door and the milkman
said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15
gallons or 1.5 gallons?"** And the blonde
said: "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and
take a milk bath."** The milkman asked,
"Pasteurized?"** And the blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns
to
the big one and says, I don't understand how you can be so much
bigger
than I. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just
don't
get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then
I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
the
time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothin'
left
but lips and a briefcase..."










According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a
unique problem. A lot of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.


















According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a
unique problem. A lot of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.















Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns
to
the big one and says, I don't understand how you can be so much
bigger
than I. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just
don't
get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then
I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
the
time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothin'
left
but lips and a briefcase..."

Many years ago, there was a Pope who was greatly
loved by all of his followers, a man who led with
gentleness, faith and wisdom.

His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic
or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was
Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and
unselfishness in serving your fellow man during
your life has earned you great stature in heaven.
You may pass through the gates without delay and
are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an
open-door policy and may, at your own discretion,
meet with any heavenly leader including the Father,
without prior appointment. Is there anything which
your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often
pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled
and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual
conversations between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, without
the dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly
library and explained how to retrieve the various
documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down
to review the history of mans' relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the
quiet of the library.

Immediately several of the saints and angels came
running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a
parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'.
There's an 'R'. There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE,
not celibate!"




SOMETHING OTHER THAN SMILEY FACES!!

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts (aka: Mammogram Breasts)
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)






> Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
> near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
>
> As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
> appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
> to write on.
>
> The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
> Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
> suddenly died.
>
> The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
> time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
>
> At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
> he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
> died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
> he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
> there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
>
> He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
> standing on my oxygen tube!"
>









Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects;

40030. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
40031. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
40032. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
40033. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
40034. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
40035. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
40036. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
40037. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
40038. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
40039. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
40040. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
40041. Introduction to Parking
40042. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
40043. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
40044. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
40045. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
40046. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
40047. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
40048. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
40049. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
40050. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
40051. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
40052. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
40053. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
40054. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Moving To El Paso.......

May 30th
Just moved to El Paso, Texas...Now this is a city that knows how
to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains
and deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset
from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally
found my home. I love it here. Welcome to our town:

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
real sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for
me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though.
But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.



July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned
my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like
this.



July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when
I left this morning. By the time I got out to the
hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size
of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth
of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran
away. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s!!
No more pets in this heat!!



July 25th:
This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking
blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air conditioner
is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by
and tell me he needed to order parts.



July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in
damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever
come here?

Aug 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid
repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going
to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like roasted freaking Garfield!!

Aug 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the
black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and
fried cat.



Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and
sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for two damn months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing will be next so
$1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn
pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.



Aug 14:
Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had wanted
to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of the
Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for
you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of
jail.


David

ALLIGATOR IN A BAR!

A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns
to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscratched. In
return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his pants, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of it's head. The
crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone
who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in
the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle".













Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the
teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of
nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal
in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he
says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat
on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came
around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!
ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say
"**** OFF!", the dog ate him!"











A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor
noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H"
on your chest? The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never
takes his block sweater off...even when we make love." Several days later; another woman came into the
doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor
noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend
must have gone to Michigan." The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my
girlfriend went to Wisconsin."**) **) :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

Ohio Friends
 

The new home of the DVSF

You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if:
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."

You know if other Ohioians are from southern or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas,
Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.

"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or a night in the Flats.

You measure distance in minutes.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's
my coat at?"

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and
Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what 'pop' is.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You actually get these jokes, then post 'em for your OHIO friends who went to DVSFII

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man
that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey
of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say,
"Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say,
"Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the
animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the
man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey
stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he
rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was
heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the
donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just
kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the
man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a
prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go
off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the
cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
"Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ...... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f------g stupid to own a computer."

There talking about me again
 

Husband and Wife


One Saturday afternoon, Dan was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at Dan, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. :LOL:
That's why she cuts the grass!"

:LOL:

THE FLY
 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat im."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
(You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake,
but...wait there was more)
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. And that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and
that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch".
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... the fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish... the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the sandwich...
the cat jumps for the mouse... the mouse ducks... the cat falls in the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...some ***** is in danger.

BBQ
 

Barbecuing.... It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, but
what most people don't understand is that when a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The guests congratulate the man for his excellent cooking and he takes a bow.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and, upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Behind closed doors
 

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you."
Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about
you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not contest to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.









A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was
that there was no Heaven. After a long life the husband was the
first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I
have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till
late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in Heaven."

"Hell no. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."














A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this visit
he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh.
Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the
doctor.

"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor,
"Why don't you try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction."

The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her
right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks
this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside
and perform oral sex.

More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his
wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later,
the husband comes running from his wife's
bedside screaming for the doctor.

"What's going on?" asks the doctor.

The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to
be looking good a few minutes ago."

The husband replies, "She choked."












Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other
person dies.










As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job
involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of
some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork.

As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something
smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a
wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New markers."














George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for
the night because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog.
So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess
I must have been half asleep or something, because I said, '
All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"










We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us
pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
















Some see the cup as half full, others see it as half empty.
I just see it as one more thing I have to wash.













A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said.

"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"

"I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied," and she asked
me how much I was willing to spend on her education."











A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk."

I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"

She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."












When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does
he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at
carpeting?




















"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"

"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my
paranoia'?"








A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale. Call
me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home.



What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?



A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and
three children. But there are only three life jackets.

The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.

Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Screw the
children!!" and the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"








Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a
day?**) **) :LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

DON'T MESS WITH A KARATE EXPERT

When a would-be robber picked an address for a home in Johannesburg, South
Africa, for his next "project," boy did he get a wrong number. The Star
newspaper there reports that when the intruder tried to strangle Marietjie
Fourie, the 45-year-old woman not only fought back but gave the man a
fractured skull for his troubles.
It seems that Fourie is a karate expert. After her first attempts to drive
him away were unsuccessful, she picked up a martial arts device, made up of
two batons connect- ed by a piece of chain. She not only broke his skull
but several other bones when she retaliated. The woman reports that it was
the third time she's had to repel an intruder in recent years. By the way,
the newspaper points out that South Africa has one of the world's high- est
rates of crimes against women.










A guy who can no longer get an erection finally goes to the doctor for
help. The doctor tells him that the muscles at the base of his penis have
broken down and there's nothing he can do unless the man is willing to try
an experimental type of surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The
doctor tells him that they take the muscles from the base of a baby
elephant's trunk and insert them in the base of his penis.

The guy agrees that it sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having
sex again is even scarier, so he decides to go ahead with the operation.

The doctor performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later gives the guy the
go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

That night the guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he
starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. After a few minutes,
the pressure is almost unbearable. He figures that no one can see him in
the dark restaurant, so he quietly unzips his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls
across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her
face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"















DICTIONARY OF LOVE
-----------------------------------------------
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a
particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy, people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of
money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a
person whom you don't especially like in the present and
will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics
as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using
a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY - a term used to
describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to
the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your
acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman
who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities
that initially attract people to each other turn into
after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person
appears to be is directly proportionate to how
unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to
have sex more often than he does.

10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
-----------------------------------------------
Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait?)

Thou shall not do drugz. (Alcohol lasts longer!)

Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection!)

Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)

Thou shall not steal from thy parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money!)

Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them!)

Thou shall not skip class.
(Just skip the whole day!)

Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more!)

Thou shall not think of having sex.
(As nike says just do it!)

Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.
(Just take them to the middle and leave them!)

















Top Ten Things You'll
Never Hear From A Consultant
-----------------------------------------------
10. You're right; we're billing way too
much for this.

9. Bet you I can go a week without saying
"synergy" or* "value-added".

8. How about paying us based on the success
of the project?

7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard
business case I read.

6* Actually, the only difference is that we
charge more than they do.

5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently
about that.

4. Implementation? I only care about writing
long reports.

3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in
your marketing department.

2. The problem is, you have too much
work for too few people.

1. Everything looks okay to me.

Sick and old in Sunny Florida
 

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore," said one in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said the fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.

"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note, I forget what I am trying to do in the first place," chimed yet another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.

"Thank the Lord we can all still drive." :LOL:

:LOL:

A blonde is looking through the classifieds for a job
when she sees an opening at the M&M factory:
"No experience needed! Start work the first day.!" So
the next day she goes over bright and early and lands
a job as the candy inspector, throwing out all the
defective M&M’s.

The next week the boss calls her into his office and says,
"I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go."

"Why?" she asks. "What did I do wrong?"

He frowns and says, "I’ve been watching you for a week
trying to figure out what you were doing, and I finally
figured it out this morning. Apparently, you’ve throwing
out all the M&M’s with W’s on them.""







My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The
bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls and his wife
preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position.
She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it
obscured the view. Now I don't think there is anything wrong
with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my uncle: "You should
be able to sit and reflect"
__________________
















Instead of an expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
"You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."



Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.:LOL: :LOL: **) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

A Women for the GASHOLES
 

The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.
Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls, figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time.
When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
:LOL:

The Trucker and the Blond
 

A trucker stops for red light on a winter afternoon and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The
girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The
trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. She says "Hi my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and
continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again
all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load!" He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi,
my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT truck."

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these important rules when asking a
man to do something:
*
Make sure the man is conscious.
*
Then give him a Blow Job
*
Crash the hard drive on his computer and line
the bird cage with the sports section.
*
Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two,
three, or four hours, max.
*
Then ... give him a Blow Job
*
Reward him for cooperative behavior.
A blow job will usually do just fine.
Or, offer to cook him something that
doesn't have a peel-back cover.
*
Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for
55 minutes.
Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another
35 minutes.
Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
*
Use "would you" or "will you" instead of
"you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
*
When all else fails ... Blow Job.























EXPOSURE
> >
> > A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
> > right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
> > are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
> > She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
> > She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
> >










> >
> > OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
> >
> > A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want
> > you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
> > procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
> > least five pounds."
> > When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
> > amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
> > The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
> > drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
> > "No, from all that skipping."
> > ______________________
> >
> > RIVER WALK
> >
> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> > another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I
> > get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
> > the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
> > _____________________
> >
> > KNITTING
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> > freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
> > behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
> > flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
> > on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >















> >
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
> > Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> > The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> > The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
> > The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> > heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
> > Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> > We're going at night!"
> > _______________
> >
> > THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
> > decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
> > grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I
> > have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
> > big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
> > She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
> > go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
> > $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had
> > instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money.
> > I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"