These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new
organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous."

When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or
bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical
activity), they send someone over to drink with you until the urge
passes.










Bambi, the blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her
U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs. Wade was about. Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was
the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross
the Delaware."









Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

A. Exchange him.











My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the
act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near
the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried
to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up
to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried
to go through the express line with more than nine items."











Going off to my first semester of college, I was a little uneasy
about living with someone I'd never met before. But a couple of days
after we moved in, I knew I'd be okay. I walked in to find my
roommate on the floor, running his hands up and down a pair of khaki
shorts.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Ironing," he replied.














Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."











Q. What would be the advantage of having a woman as president?

A. No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation.











Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him.

"It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a
dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."











The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!

* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly










A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor
old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So
the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you
doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to
the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and
he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"











Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in
reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem
that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the
man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor
tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded
to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious
study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the
patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"












Q. What's the definition of a computer nerd?

A. A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex but doesn't know any girls.












Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only
dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put
him in the barn and said, "you stay here until you learn how to
behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to
stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however
he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights
in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the
bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left
for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the
Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling
salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention
the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
Two hours later heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?
.
The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.











Renfrew was the most absent-minded altar boy Father O'Malley had ever
seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen decided to give him
one more
chance to prove himself. "At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point
where you'll hear me sing, "And God's angels lit the candles." When I
say that, you're to light the candles in the back of the church. Is
that understood?"

Renfrew said it was, and that night both the priest and Renfrew
prayed for his success. The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass
in front of a full congregation. At last his rich baritone sang out,
"And God's angels lit the candles!" Nothing happened and he said
again, "And God's angels lit the candles!" Still the candles
remained unlit, and once more he boomed, "And God's angels lit the
candles!"

From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried across the
room. "And your dog pee'd on the matches!"

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief...."I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to
survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"














A man in Israel lost a valuable dog. He advertised in a small local
newspaper; offering a very generous $5000 reward for it, but got no
replies.

He stopped by the newspaper office to check on results of his ad.
"I'd like to see Shapiro the advertising manager." he said.

"He's out," said Moishe, the office boy.

"Well, how about his assistant?"

"He's out too, sir."

"Goodness! Is everybody out - where are they?"

"They're all searching for your dog!"












If money is the root of all-evil, why do churches want it so badly?











John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."















Mary: I see no reason to "celebrate" birthdays. I'm not glad about
getting older.

Jill: Yeah, know what you mean.

Mary: Not so long ago, I was young and hip; now I'm closer to a hip
REPLACEMENT!















Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but he was no oil painting,
either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your
wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the vicar $50.

The vicar looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.











She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a
nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.

He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?






"













Susan Meyer, a primary care physician, was finished trying to help
her patient who would never follow her recommendations. So she gave
him a referral to a Dr. Green, a proctologist, hoping he could find
this patient's head...














Thought for the Day: Everybody likes a little ass, but nobody likes
a smartass.










One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother
had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked,
"What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a
simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic
bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then
he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"












A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only
a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."















The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in
the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position,
and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the
sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take
over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied, "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."












"I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I
overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle
Management Specialists and Native Americans."









As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often
engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about
male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a
hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of
their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my
surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."













When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her
some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a checkup?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

brave hunter
 

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes
later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my
breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I
didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the
two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or
take them with us?
Well, I guess I just panicked."

Resignation Letter.......An actual letter sent by a fed up U .S. employee
Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for
the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also
never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it
to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP
is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk
around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.

You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for
your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it
off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green
algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this
situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy
reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few
parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give
me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not
to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of
years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on
your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get
cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently
saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that
terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the
administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers
b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied
and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all
your free time.

************************

Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers good
read!!


An offer of 1 million pounds plus free s*x with a page three girl could not
convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in
Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a
shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally
overlooked.

Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Unpersonable B*tch

As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job,
hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I
want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here.
It
has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy
company.

It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a
garbage
person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.
However,
I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of
crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too
will realise that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.

Glad to be gone,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Editor,

I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your
increasingly leaky vessel.

Yours,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear John:

Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation
from,
effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal
respect
for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer
comfortable working for a technology organisation largely populated by
politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial
Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any
longer than the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who
clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves
during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave
them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American
financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will
eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on
uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight
this hideous alien menace from within.

God's speed, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Resume 2002"

OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for
eight hours, occasionally looking attentive
when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs
to watch. Duties included changing channels,
avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after
those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and
borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups
of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that
goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive
responses, please pose all questions as though you're
considering me as a law school applicant.


































Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife or Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.












There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around
his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his
son would just sneer. They approached the heart
of the factory, where the father thought "This
should impress him!"

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this
is the heart of the factory. This machine here we
can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do
you have a machine where you can put in a sausage
and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son,
we call it your mother."

















A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her
doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor
tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage
beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week
with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car....















Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a
horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took
home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked
Melva.

"After we had some real freaky sex, the
son-of-a-***** called me a
slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do
then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom,
and to take his five
biker friends with him!"**) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :LOL: :LOL:

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been
hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate... And ate...and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.She'd
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! . . . Dead Fly....

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of $hit.

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant
replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell
you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy,
long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’ "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed."

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real
honor. What are you guys doing in here?"


Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."



The guy exclaimed: "A blonde with big tits? Why kill
a blonde with big tits?"




Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and
says, "See, smart ass?!?!

A True Story From Florida
 

A man had owned this large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was made for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" Marilyn
Pittman

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
Robin Williams

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend
in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too."
Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick
Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." Rita Rudner

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." Michael
McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
in the head to stop your headache." Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three." Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan
O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would

only play with each other."
Rita Rudner

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's
why you should never date a baseball player." Marsha Warfield

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.* One
day, he took me aside and left me there." Ron Richards

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." Drew Carey

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
Yakov Smirnoff

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and
spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." Bob Saget

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find
anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' Larry
Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily
Tomlin


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" John Mendoza

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
Jerry Seinfeld

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, ****! A
truck!' " Emo Phillips















Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
when a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we
never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his
clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of
the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried
Arrangement!"
































A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."






























A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
--Sue Lin Chong, Washington

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't. --Russell Beland, Springfield

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:
flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T: \flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake. --Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. --Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. --Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. --Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can. --Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. --Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
--Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. --Unknown


He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
--Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. -- Sandra Hull,
Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while. --Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

"Oh, Jason, take me! " she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night. --Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something. --John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. --Barbara Collier, Garrett
Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up. --Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before. --Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. --Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM. --Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan
set on medium. --Unknown

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up. --Susan Reese, Arlington

She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. --Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser. --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. --Jonathan
Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. --Sue Lin Chong,
Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville


























How to deal with those pesky telemarketers
------------------------------------------------
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,
"Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell
them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait
for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are
you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give
Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they
are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it
until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice
as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be
my friend

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get
out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN
blood?


9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask
him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same
company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream,
"Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME
phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that Telemarketers cannot give
out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang
up.

13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several
times.

14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would
please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you
continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly
and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home
incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some
beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up
a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you.
But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any
clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?"

19 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need
to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to
write EVERY WORD down.

New Human Resource Policies

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of a sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at least two
week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00AM
to 8:20AM. All employees whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20AM
to 8:40AM and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes
again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll

with retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations, consternations
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
The Management

Blonde Math
 

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary, a blonde, for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Grandma
 

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when
he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground
unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he
lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her
wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The
gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy
takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and
slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he
begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her
nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's
hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me,
how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there
kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber
balloons"














Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill
Repute.

They ask for the youngest woman in
the joint.

The Madam says that she will not allow
the youngest girl any time with them.

The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"

The madam says, "No. I don't serve
minors to lickers."**) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

BinB, Jamo....

A Scotsman walks into a bar he's been frequenting since he was 12. This would not cause the patrons to notice, but this time he's got a steering wheel projecting from the front of his kilt...
Finally the bartender shouts:
"Och! McLoood, ye gotta sterrin' wheel stickin' ou' oo yer kilt, laddie! Wot gives?"
McLoed responds: "Och! Don't yer t'ink ah noooo? I can't remove it, an' it's been drivin' me nuts for days!"

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend’s apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn’t watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? I’m in my office of course!”;)