A woman offered a brand-new car
for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A man answered the ad, but he was
slightly skeptical.

"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered.
"My husband died, and in his will he
asked that the car be sold and the
money go to his secretary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..


St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love, Lust Or Marriage?

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see
them.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test
results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't
care who knows.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling."
LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?"
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet
paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Become A Better Liar

It's Easy! Just follow these 12 steps.

1) First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the
time, people will never believe you.

2) Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes
someone who's crying.

3) Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be
punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon.

4) Emphasize each word (e.g. I...SWEAR...!!!!)

5) Break something (a dish or a vase). If you detect
that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on
this." Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best
friends always side with you whether you're lying or
not.

7) Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib,
you'll stutter.

8) Never stutter!

9) Never stay in the same city for more than a few
months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to
3 months on the average.

10) Don't take chances on lies that can be easily
researched. For instance, don't say you own Don
Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out
that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

12) Try going to law school. You can make good money,
too!

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife."
:LOL: :LOL:

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?

A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?

A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A. They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.

Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?

A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for

A. Its Braille for" suck here".

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women have tits ?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

You know you're living in 2002 when....


1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a"0"to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your Curriculum Vitae is on a floppy disk in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four
full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward
it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,except to send you jokes from the net.

Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?
It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do not have PMS, but do suffer from the male counterpart which is SRH.....
you know... SPERM RETENTION HEADACHE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
He read her lips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definition: "Forehead"
In favor of oral sex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:LOL: :LOL: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE:

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed
to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to
the man's head, and the wife shouted

"Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for
the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for
our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country
club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you
do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
cold."





A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks,
"if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I
have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The
butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for
a consultation










A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman.

"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him
in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for
the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in
'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I
can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought
for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman
said, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

"Oh of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

















Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

You can have a handgun at home and another for
the road.

If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him
so, he will be impressed and let you try a few
rounds with it.

Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have
a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you are
out of ammo.

A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look
fat?"

A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after
you're done using it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the
same house without having problems.

A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger
is.

A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are
a "little fast on the trigger"...














The latest strategy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba Dean, and Cooter are being sent in and told five things:

1. The limit is two.

2. The season ended last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music.

5. Some are queer.

That should just about do it.

GRANNY’S CONDOM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off
the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she

prefers.

Lady 1: "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.













Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me,
complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was
wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our
suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral
home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not
that sick!"














I hope you have had your morning coffee.

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't
even get into my own pants

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was
my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get
one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they
know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really
wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've
seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet
it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours
and ****head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if
it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it
deals you a truckload of
hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find
that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the
ones she's been giving me lately.

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so
quickly by just one busted condom.

21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

22. Welcome to **** Creek-Sorry, We're Out of
Paddles!

23. How come we choose from just two people to
run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24. Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you
don't want to see naked?

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been!"

















Two guys were walking down the street one day
when
they
came across a small pair of gym shorts on the
ground.

They decided to put a sign up on the church
bulletin
board so the rightful owner could claim them.

The first one starts to write out the sign,
"FOUND:
one pair of boys gym shorts..."

"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym
shorts."

"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys
shorts!"

The second grabs them from him and takes a closer
look, "No, no ... Definitely girls gym shorts!"

The two of them are inspecting the shorts in
turns and
arguing.

"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely
boys
shorts!" .... and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men
argue
and can't help but ask them what the commotion is
all
about.

The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if
he
could sort out the argument.

The priest takes the shorts, has a good long
sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at
the
two men and says:

"Definitely boys shorts! ......... but not from
my
parish!"

















POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? "

"Yes, " I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right? "

"Yes, that's right, " I told her.

"Well, then" she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe? "

~~~~

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there? " he
asked.

"It sure is, " I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do? "

~~~~~

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this! "

~~~~~

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "

"And why not, darling? "

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning. "

~~~~~

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug
a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Soonnn . . . and into the
hole he gooooes. "

~~~~~~

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time, " she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk! "

~~~~~

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found! " the boy called
out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's
voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear! "

Question: How to define globalization

Answer: Princess Diana's death


Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian
boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch
engine, driven by a
Belgian who was bombed on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by an
Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American
doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Israeli, using Bill
Gates' technology
which He stole from the Taiwanese.














Slogans

Miss Figpot was giving a lecture on company
slogans, advertising and marketing in her fifth
grade class.

"Joey," he asked, "which company has the slogan,
'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joey answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the
slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company
with no difficulty.

"Now Johnny, Tell me which company uses the
slogan, 'Just do it'?"

Little Johnny answered, "Mom."










>
>There was this construction worker on
>the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
>He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy
>to go down and get it himself, so he
>tried to call his fellow worker on the
>ground to get it for him, but this guy
>could not hear a word he said. So he
>started to give a sign so the guy on
>the ground could understand him.
>
>So first he pointed at his eyes
>(meaning "I") then pointed at his
>knees (meaning "need",) and moved
>his hand back and forth describing
>the movement of a hand saw.
>
>Finally the guy on the ground started
>nodding his head like he understood
>and dropped his pants and started to
>jack off.
>
>The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed
>and ran down to the ground and started
>yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was
>trying to say, I need a hand saw". The
>other guy replied: "I know, I was trying
>to tell you that "I am coming...".
>











>You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
>You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
>
>Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
>
>Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
>The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
>
>Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare
>a loved one.
>
>You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
>You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
>You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
>You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
>Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
>Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
>You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
>
>You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>
>You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
>
>You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
>Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
>
>You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
>
>You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
>
>You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
>You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
>You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
>Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
>
>Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>
>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean .
>
>You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
>You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
>
>Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
>You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
>
>You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
>side.
>
>You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
>
>A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
>
>You've used a toilet brush as a back scratchier.
>
>You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
>
>You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
>Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you takethem
>out to see what it is.












> > Two cowboys are out on the range, talking about their favorite sex
> > > positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
> >don't
> > > think I have ever heard of thatone," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
> > > "Well," the first cowboy replied, "it's where you get your girl friend
> >down
> > > on all fours and you mount her from behind, and then you reach around and
> > > cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her
> >ear,
> > > 'Boy, these feel just like your sisters' '...and then you try to hold on
> >for
> > > 8 seconds!"














SEX IS A TEMPTATION
CAUSED BY A SENSATION
WHEN A MAN PUTS HIS DICTATION
IN A WOMANS VENTILATION
DO YOU GET MY CONVERSATION?
OR DO YOU NEED A DEMONSTRATION?



SKY IS BLUE
WATER IS WET
I'LL MAKE YOU COME
I'LL MAKE YOU SWEAT
PRESSED AGAINST MY BODY
MOVIN UP AND DOWN
SLOWLY BUT FIRMLY
WE WILL MOVE THE GROUND




SEX IS EVIL
SEX IS A GAME
ONE NIGHT OF PASSION
NINE MONTHS OF PAIN
BABYS A BASTARD
FATHERS A GIT
ALL BECAUSE
THE ****ING CONDOM SPLIT!




SEX IS LIKE MATH
YOU SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES
ADD THE BED
DIVIDE THE LEGS
THEN MULTIPLY!!!!!!!




ROSES ARE RED
GRASS IS GREEN
OPEN YOUR LEGS
AND I'LL FILL YOU WITH CREAM



HICKERY DICERY DOCK
DIS ***** WAS SUCKING ME COCK
THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO
ME DUMPED ME GOO
AND DUMPED HER AT
DA END OF THE BLOCK




SEX IS GOOD
SEX IS FINE
DOGGY STYLE
OR 69
JUST FOR FUN
OR GETTING PAID
EVERYONE LIKES
GETTING LAYED















There are several men sitting around in the locker
>>>room of a golf club after a round, showering and
>>>getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a cell
>>>phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
>>>picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
>>>(H - Husband, W - Wife)
>>>
>>>H - "Hello?"
>>>
>>>W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>>>
>>>H - "Yes."
>>>
>>>W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where
>>>you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's
>>>absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
>>>
>>>H - "What's the price?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $1,000."
>>>
>>>H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
>>>
>>>W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
>>>and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked.
>>>I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since
>>>we need to exchange the BMW that we
>>>bought last year..."
>>>
>>>H - "What price did he quote you?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $60,000..."
>>>
>>>H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>>>
>>>W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
>>>
>>>H - "What?"
>>>
>>>W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
>>>bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this
>>>morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
>>>It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
>>>English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
>>>
>>>H - "How much are they asking?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see
>>>that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
>>>
>>>H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
>>>
>>>W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!!
>>>I love you!!!"
>>>
>>>H - "Bye...I love you too..."
>>>
>>>The man hangs. The other men are staring at him with astonishment and
>>>envy. The husband raises his hand
>>>while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone
>>>know who this phone belongs to?











Baby Sister

I've got a baby sister
As cute as she can be,
Except she's only got one eye,
And that one eye can't see.

Her nose has got no nostrils,
She looks like a giraffe,
And when she tries to kick her stumps
She always makes me laugh.

Last week they took her far away-
I always knew they would,
And Mommy still is on the pill
That keeps her feeling good.

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?" the Doctor answered back.
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm just a dirty whore!"

One day a priest was doing the confessional, he looks at his watch
and noticed he had to leave. He asked one of the janitors to sneak in and do
confession for a while until he gets back.

The janitor says" I dont know what to do though!"

Then the priest replies "There is a list of sins and the prayers you
are supposed to give for each one."

So the janitor enters the confessional and the first person enters
and says, "I've cheated on my husband."

The janitor looks on the list and tells her to say three hail Mary's
each day.

Then a little boy comes in and tells the janitor that he stole a
chocolate bar.

The janitor looks at the list and the tells the child to say 2 hail
Mary's tonight.

Then a teenage girl enters and tells him that she gave her boyfriend
a blowjob.

The janitor looks at the list but he cant seem to find blowjob on the
list so he sneaks out and asks one of the alter servers; "What does the
priest give for a blowjob?"

The boy replies "A bag of chips and a can of cola

en are like.....Floor Tiles. If you lay them right
the first time, you
can walk all over them for years.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of
money, they don't
generate much interest.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're
not quite sure why.


Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, hot,
and can keep you
up all night.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word
they say.

Men are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and
never have enough
memory.

Men are like.....Cool Boxes. Load them with beer and
you can take them
anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for
reproduction, but that's
about it.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take a long
time to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what
to do and are
usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not
all that bright.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are
already taken and the
ones that are left are either disabled or extremely
small.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only
for a little while.


Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when
there's food on the
table.

Men are like.....Snow storms. You never know when
they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

Men are like.....Used Cars. Easy-to-get, cheap, and
unreliable.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the
first sign of emotion.

GROSSIFICATION!!!
 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning. Then the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
:LOL: :LOL:

You know you are from Arizona when...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper
bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

7. You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00
degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo,"
"Tempe,""Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim,"
"Cholla," and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-starters why there is no daylight
savings time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAR MEETING
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,

"May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you
another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and
she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "
You are the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen. I want you for my wife."...

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace
and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground
brushing his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you
know the time?"

Ammar looked at the American. The he reached
over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return with
him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls.
He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to
and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty- one minutes
past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the first American remained. He leaned over. "Listen,"
he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know
how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars
if you show me how you can tell the time by holding
your camel's balls."

Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded.
Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the
American to kneel down beside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them
to the side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached
by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was
jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They
said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They
said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i
**********************************************
My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a
bottle of scotch! - Rodney Dangerfield

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A teabag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PUSHING DOWN

An old man goes to the doctor to ask
him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it
took both of my hands to push down
my hard-on."

"When I was in my 30's, it took one
hand to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 50's, it took three
fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only
takes one finger to push down on my
hard-on!"

"So what I'm basically trying to ask
you is? How strong am I going to get?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dirty Old Man

An old man was on the beach and walked
up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to
feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" was
the reply..

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away
from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered

She paused to think about it, but then comes
to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me
feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems
harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both
are standing there on the beach, he slid his
hands underneath and began to feel... then
he started saying, "OH MY GOD..OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you
keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered,
"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool
began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are from Arizona when...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper
bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

7. You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00
degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo,"
"Tempe,""Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim,"
"Cholla," and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-starters why there is no daylight
savings time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAR MEETING
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,

"May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you
another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and
she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "
You are the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen. I want you for my wife."...

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace
and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground
brushing his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you
know the time?"

Ammar looked at the American. The he reached
over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return with
him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls.
He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to
and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty- one minutes
past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the first American remained. He leaned over. "Listen,"
he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know
how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars
if you show me how you can tell the time by holding
your camel's balls."

Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded.
Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the
American to kneel down beside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them
to the side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached
by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was
jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They
said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They
said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had
collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all
questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but
there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will
share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded
in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I
help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

knock knock..


TURK

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gyncologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

I got a sweater for my birthday. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.







Diary of a Smoker-Quitting


This Sucks

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried
fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished
roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by
computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this
has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could
have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's
Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on
Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero
can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two
extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and
spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had
desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up
six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of
water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy
as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post
arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean
closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body
of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra
dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for
joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make
coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried
fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if
he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. Federal
crime.

Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no
cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues
songs.

Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as
price too steep.

Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to
have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last
moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal
building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village"
crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of
severe nicotine withdrawal.


Day 1: ****.


Rules For Life_______________ 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or
hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school
called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the
process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the
next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here," When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate some- thing
about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate
about yourself. 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the
tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice
is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for
her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from
sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a
compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.
Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COUPLES NOT
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between your eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor
asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and
speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
25 Inches

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you
can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know
this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions
to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25
inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only
hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think
I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the
forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a
log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog
says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the
frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he
screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches,
so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?"
the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his
penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is
still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked
across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening
until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's something to consider...

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the
forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

(Turk)

Who's there?