Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing
new "drive-thru" cash point machines where customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their Vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted
intensive behavioral studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Break, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Reinsert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Recheck make-up again
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind you
* 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 26 Release Parking Break.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determine to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a Texan and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied, she decided to hire the Texan, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one
day,the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly said to him. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again
with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BICYCLE RIDE
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too
much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of
the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the
roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes
Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely
naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S THAT TIME...
You know it is time to diet when you wear yellow pants,bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to get in for a ride to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
"Kitchen Complaint"
I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall. It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They snatch things from the cupboard shelves,
the pantry's always bare. It's impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum, my guess is
someone wanted the container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed, I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of
bread.The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair,The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows stuck with toothpaste are for a
childish craft,everyone takes what they need while mother gets the shaft.So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The culprit is the
loser...and the loser fixes dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a
six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot
reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the
customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing
his voice, the customer standing next to himknocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right
man.We also learned that when the customer knocked him out,the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left nut. If that's not justice, I don't
know what is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONDOM SIZES

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one...Wait! Make it
MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... ****! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

MC: Here she is, Miss Palestine, the new Miss World!
What's your wish, Miss World?

MISS WORLD. Peace and good will towards all people.

MC: What is your plans for the future ?

MISS WORLD: To be a suicide bomber for my people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORSE JOBS
There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the
cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic
tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
PLATONIC?
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment. "Mrs. Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen-year-old boy spends three hours
every night in your apartment?"
Mrs. Smith replied, "It's a platonic friendship. It's play for him and a tonic for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or *uck?"

[bonyhadi]

Translating Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = you'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my arse fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = you'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs

You're so.. Manly = you need a shave and you sweat a
lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive

It's your decision = the correct decision should be
obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you
ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good Game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really notgoing to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question

I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other men

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
have sex with you in the next 10 minutes

Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that
I am deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[CobraDan]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[bonyhadi]

I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be
doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized
bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making
a fuel of yourself!"
================================================== ====================
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"
================================================== ====================
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right.
How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
================================================== ====================
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a
wonderful mother to our kids, and is fantastic in bed."
================================================== ====================
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front

of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his
crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where

is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
================================================== ====================
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a
comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking."
================================================== ===========
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this Earth. He spoke to his
toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park
in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance
floor?
Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees?
You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we
marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy
birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy!
If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Blonde Moments!

A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep
the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, the
blonde does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day
the blonde does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as
much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles. The boss thinks she is just
having a bad day, so he still lets her keep the job. The fourth day,
the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you
doing well now?!" The blonde replies, "I can't get far because each day
I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
================================================== ===========

[bonyhadi]

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:- Don't u know, I
sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local
anesthetic.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people? Answer:- Why? Would it rather
have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the Seafood Dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of
adulterated cement. We
occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question:- Oh my gosh ...you have grown so
much! Answer:- Well you haven't
particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No, he's a
miserable wife-beating , insensitive
lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was doing
research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb little moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its
autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- No it wont.
It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke. Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle.... it
was a piece of chalk and now it's
in flames!!!













AKEN FOR A RIDE
----------------------------------
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the
wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove
off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget,
John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"














Rejecting A Rejection Letter
----------------------------------
Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your
refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had
been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates
it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not
meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment
with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to
seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]























Travel Tips
---------------------------------
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise
includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
* Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate
motto is Die American Pig.
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if
you have experience in jungle warfare.
* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blankethead.
* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an
interpreter.
* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as "Petey-Boy."
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase
of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.















"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."

"I thought they just hired a new teller last week."

"Right. That's the one they're looking for."

[bonyhadi]

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?

You can also sit upright in a car.
===============================================

A hillbilly was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle Joe from Chicago has
died and left him over $100,000. The hillbilly was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust until he was released.
The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up.
The Hillbilly said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said, "Sure" and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer.
After a few weeks the warden visited him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the
floor.
The warden asked the Hillbilly what happened.
The Hillbilly said it didn't work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.
The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do.

The Hillbilly said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it. The Hillbilly said, "I hit the ESCAPE
key and nothing happened!!"
=================================================

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
~~~~~~~


Find the person who will love you because of your differences and
not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.

~ Leo Buscaglia

My 13 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a
boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent
most of the day in bed. I told him the TV was my
boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for
no reason. I'd give it a few hard whacks on the side
and it would come back on, it was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my
son answered the door.

At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back
on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little
one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging
her boyfriend".
~~~~~~


A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
~~~~~

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

~~~~~~~

Dennis Miller on the Pledge Situation

Much has been said and written about this, but nobody can quite put an insightful and acerbic spin on it like Dennis Miller. Check this
out:

Isn't it great we live in a country where a federal appeals court can declare the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because the
words "under G-d" are a violation of separation of church and state? Well, you know something, your honors: following that logic,
wouldn't the fact that you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible render you unemployed?
Or maybe we should respond by withholding your obviously
unconstitutional "In G-d we trust" paychecks, huh? Or why don't we just change the phrase to "One nation under a crushing blanket of
overly sensitive political correctness?"

If you haven't heard, Michael Newdow, a 49-year old atheist, created a media sensation this week after bringing a lawsuit on behalf of
his 8-year old daughter. Well, Mikey, you did a great job of protecting your kid, didn't ya? Put her in the middle of this jingoistic
maelstrom. Yeah, you are the dad of the year. Why don't you pick your trophy up when it's safe to come out of hiding?

By the way, to all the people out there making death threats against this man and his daughter: if G-d had wanted you to kill in His
name, you'd be living in the Middle East, not the Midwest.

Well, anyway, it's good to know that all children are now guaranteed the right to come into their classroom in the morning and burn the
flag, as long as they don't salute it.

You know folks, I haven't quite figured out the math on this one yet, but I think the aggrieved minority in this culture now is the
majority.

And, by the way, to the two judges who authored this fiasco: instead of church and state, maybe you should be worried about the
separation of your head and your a**.

[CobraDan]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons",
where:

means a smile and

is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

[bonyhadi]

Billy Joe Bob and Joe Bob Wayne were hunting one sunny day.
Now Joe Bob was not the brightest person in the world.
They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude.
Billy Joe jumped up and said,
"Boy, she looks good enough to eat."
So, Joe Bob shot her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Did You Know?
Most men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep The ashes of the average cremated person weigh
nine pounds The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes The average human produces 25,000
quarts of spit in a lifetime,
enough to fill two swimming pools

An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds
There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheri and Rose were sitting in a bar,
when Sheri began reflecting on her failed marriage ...
Sheri told Rose,
"I told my ex, " You just don't arouse me!"

Rose responded,
"Well, that's pretty forthright!
What did he say?"

"He said,
"Well, maybe you have a dry well~!"

Rose, shocked said,
"OOH DAMN! THAT was a low blow!"

No kidding, Sheri said, "So I straightened him out"
Rose asked, "What'd you tell him?"

I told him, " Nahhh, I just need a new drill~!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

If you dream about Lips

Thin or cruel lips in a dream are a warning against making
hasty judgement of others.
Beautiful lips signify a successful sex life and happiness in love.
Thick, overly sensual, or ugly lips forecast failure in love but success in business.
Chapped, dry, or sore lips indicate a loss of status or business reverses.
Children's or a baby's lips are a sign of true friendship where you least expected it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A young woman with huge breasts was trying on an extremely low cut dress.
As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady
if she thought it was too low cut. The sales lady asked her
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No ... of course not !!!"

" Then it's too low cut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis and
considered a large cock to be visually unappealing.

Aristotle proposed that a small penis was capable of greater
fertility than a large one. He reasoned that the sperm has less distance
to travel in a short dick and therefore it was more "hot and potent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag,
and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat

compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~


The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman.
"I switched cocks." Said the man.
"What a coincidence," she replied.

[bonyhadi]

=====================
At a family gathering, all generations attending,
the naughty grandchildren smuggle a Viagra pill
into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself to go to the
men's room.
When he returns, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" asked the grandchildren.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom, so I
took
it out, but then I saw it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
=====================
Screw yew

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw
the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be
incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the
French,
the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their
middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck
yew!
"PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving
the bird".. And yew thought yew knew everything.
===================

The Urge To Lose Weight (Guaranteed)

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how the heck he would ever do it, he comes
across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program."

"Guaranteed like heck" he thought to himself; but desperate, he called
them &subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there is a knock at his door & when he answers it, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19-year-old babe


dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes & a sign around her neck


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,


huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her. After

they are through, she leaves & he thinks to himself," I like the way this
company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On
the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost the
10lbs. as promised. He calls the company & orders from them their 5 day/20 lb.
program.
As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door & there stands
the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door
after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape & it takes him a


while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze.


She is by far the best he has ever had.
For the next 5 days, the same routine happens & much to his delight, on
the 6th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lbs, as
promised. He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7
day/50lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
He answers, "Yes...I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door & when he opens it, he finds
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes & a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

=================================
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the
house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought
her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your
shoes which you d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never
wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you
both in our bed with no clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't
use anymore?"
================
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so
busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not
for good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's
no wonder that brides often blush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
past ...but never the present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you
stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is
gonna work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when
the interest is kept up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook,
sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking
orders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 40th
wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonigh?" "Naw,
said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 40
years
==========================
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

[bonyhadi]

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand
closer
to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to
interrupt
her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex
drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since
then, neither God nor Man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

17. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten
anything for 4
days."
She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."

18. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

19. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
"Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

20. The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

21. Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still
think they are beautiful.







Life or Death

A police officer pulls a man
over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car he can see
that the man is very anxious
about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you
know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was
speeding--but it is a matter of
life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting
for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a
matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before
my wife does, I'm a dead man."

[Lumberman]

Sex Change

A middle-aged man went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of some screw-up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the man went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no," he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's..."

[CobraDan]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar."But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One. " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[bonyhadi]

A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands,
which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a
baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is
it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."







Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that,
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for him to learn a
trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he
called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But,
alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you,
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.







Dinner Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having
a family dinner at his Uncle Rodney's
house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate he started
eating right away. "Johnny, wait until
we say our prayer."

"I don't have to." The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained.
"But this is Uncle Rodney's house, and he
knows how to cook!"









For Us Old Folks"

OK, I'm already getting stuff from the AARP. But here's the problem:

I am the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 P.M. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually
interested in going home before I get to
where I am going. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing
you're saying. I'm very good at
telling stories; over and over and over and over... I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine. I'm so
cared for -- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw,
Peter Jennnings, Dan Rather, barking
dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having
trouble remembering simple words like....... I'm
realizing that aging is not for wimps. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become
policemen? I'm wondering, if
you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.





n promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of
platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility,
a coalescent cogency, and a
concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without
rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

[bonyhadi]

Old Age 1:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
Had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Old Age 2:
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have? A
suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm
glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."











The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and
went to the Pearly Gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you, and
your quarters just aren't ready. We
can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but
we weren't expecting them, and we
gotta fix a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you
one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow
is forgiving everybody, the Graham
guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"













The Mexican Bungee!!!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and other
costs."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see
this new attraction. Slowly, more
and more people gather to watch them at work.

When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few
cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This
time, he comes back pretty messed up
- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Pinata'?"

[GASKETBOY]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best
at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They
question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do
not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing
everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

[CobraDan]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to
forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except

one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the *****es."

[CobraDan]

Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
Dan

[bonyhadi]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Italian,6 ft. 5 and 350 lb. He has already had
a few too many drinks, when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits
beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Italian. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want to get a blow job?"

At this, the massive Italian leaps up with fire in hiseyes, and smacks the man in the face,
knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar
before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot.The Italian returns to his seat
and proceeds to order another drink.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another drink.The bartender then says, "I've
never seen you react like that, just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure..." the big Italian replied,"....something about getting a job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
... A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a
sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly
states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him
the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the
mens room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and
approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now
thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Colorado."
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian
could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Colorado?"The Indian
replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
1. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage
bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancée like
property.We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up
planets for fun.
6. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
7. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
8. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
9. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
10. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"
11. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force
to get the key.
12. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
13. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
14. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your
father!?!"
15. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a
stupid minor character.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're married now, we can
arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex
at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. Lastly if my
hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
The groom replied, "Okay, Sweetheart. Just notice that when I come home, I usually have
a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may
or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two, your hair won't matter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across
two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his
typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even
the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex
you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this. A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got
something for that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had this dream that I was driving down the freeway and slamming into everyone, just
slamming into them. From side to side to side, right to left, all the way down the freeway.
Not hurting anyone, though, just knocking the phones out of their hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Justice Department says the "vast majority" of the 1,147 unnamed persons
incarcerated in the Sept. 11 investigation are still in custody. But the White House says
"the overwhelming number" have been released. If there's a mathematician among the
readers, someone please determinewhat the "overwhelming number" subtracted from the
"vast majority" equals. All I come up with is "total governmental bull****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the
sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner,
after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's
voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside
making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the
window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[bonyhadi]

DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:

* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
* Ask what the order taker is wearing.
* change your accent every three seconds.
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
* Imitate the order taker's voice.
* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
* Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
* Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
* When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again.
On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"







Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where its supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The
first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." The
first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, "What's
wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world.














Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel
(K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.

They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.

The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...

Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Old Geezer Quiz

1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and
pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were
available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it
was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in
school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high*
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?*
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"* a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -ANSWERS:1. b) On the floor, to the
left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special tan makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg
with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your
neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public
gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green
Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if
you could only find your glasses, so that you could find your viagra.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy. Occasional erection
problems.
0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime. Have
fun now....old is coming.