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  #1101 (permalink)  
Old 07-26-2002, 06:10 AM
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Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of
lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find
themselves at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys
aren't supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll
tell ya what...I can put you all back on Earth to finish out
your days, but you have to decide how. That is, everyone
down there already knows you're all dead, so I can't send
you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst yourselves
and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you
decided how you want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided
that we all want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat ***** and we wanna hit from
the red tees."











There was once was this guy who developed a bad case of flatulence. The
smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a
loud "HONDA!" He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them
could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of
desperation he went to an old Chinese doctor and explained his problem.

Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed tooth, have
it fixed and your problem will be solved." So he went to a dentist, and
sure, enough he did have an abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his
"HONDA" farts went away as well. So he went back to the Chinese doctor and
said, "What's the punch line?" -- or was it, "How did you know that I had an
abscessed tooth?"

"Because", said the Chinese doctor, "everybody know that ...

... abcess make the fart go HONDA!"
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  #1102 (permalink)  
Old 07-26-2002, 11:08 PM
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Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female
around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one
whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up
and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a
bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals
right behind him.

They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the
gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet
free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm
free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder
and harder.

Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're the one on top, we can't get her off of you."

"The bag, the bag dammit... I want to kiss the *****!"












This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.


The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it
and that
it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts
and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
back the
bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound
of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She
bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.
All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of
God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.











The Whorehouse Doors!


A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing
there but an
empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading,
"Once a
night"
and "Over
4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:


"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
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  #1103 (permalink)  
Old 07-26-2002, 11:13 PM
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List of Top 10 Caddy Comments:

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

. . And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."













35 Facts you were perfectly happy not knowing
(Comments are my own).

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
(cold rubbers, what a concept)

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
(not including stealing it, see IRS)

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
(worse when you masturbate?)

5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
(gets ya confused and takes ya anyways?, heh heh, wink wink, bite)

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
(does this include the human chickens or was it human sheep?)

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
(talk about toxic waste?)

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
(it was in the US consitution original that if Canada wanted to join the
union, it could automatically without the normal concent of the people).

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck
on 4:20. (fahrenhei 451, or is it to do with 420 a way to say
Pot/marijuana or hemp)?

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
(poirrage?)

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
(big head? or just large ego)

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
(aint that peachy)

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
(explains his love of cigars, and booze)

16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
(atleast one dipthong though)

17. There are only four words in the English language which end
in "dous" - tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
(and that a good dous?)

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(grin, explains alot)

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. The Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A
Wonderful Life." (wasn't it a porn or R rated movie?)

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(so does most of their owners)

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
(mute justice?)

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Hot Chocolate? Atleast it was not his brain).

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
(explains how is talks)

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
(and we wonder why commericial breaks normally only last 5 minutes)

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only
the left hand.
(explains all the stains in the bathroom?)
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  #1104 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2002, 08:00 AM
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An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
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  #1105 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2002, 09:09 AM
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FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVES THE RURAL MIDWEST

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians
cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, or
Missouri, those states Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following 19 item list will be
handed to each person as they enter the Midwestern States.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at
the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the
way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah we saw Bambi. We
got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped. . . by
our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off
at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot!

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will
shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the
airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet
tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a
million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may
even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So, you're a feminist!

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's
available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70 and
80 go two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the
concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his
name is "Sir". . . no matter how old he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Mystery Here...
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Beer
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No Baseball
No Football
No Basketball
No Hockey
No Golf
Soccer only and all the time
No tailgate parties.
No tailgates on camels
No Hooters.
No Pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No Burgers
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe only with your left. (Like life isn't
complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No music.
No radio.
You can't shave.
Your wife can't shave
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
No mystery here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An obituary....

We mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but
died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one
really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping
folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws,
and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating
such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn),
reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come
in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological
Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body piercing, whole language, and
"new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well
intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled
by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted
an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and
federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was
awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of
developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking
chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two
stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Obituary author unknown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New HR Policies
Dear Employees:
Here is our new policies. Try to follow it.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the
work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at
least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
Rest Room Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the
future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with another coworker. However, both employee
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3
minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Thank you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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  #1106 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2002, 02:05 PM
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Subject: Dear Abby

>
>Dear Abby admitted she was at a total loss to answer these.
>
>
>Dear Abby,
>A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
>gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-20's. These two
>women go everywhere together, and I've never see a man go into their
>apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
>
>
>
>Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
>violence on my VCR?
>
>
>Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not
>even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
>
>
>Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on
>the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my
>boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
>discuss money with him.
>
>
>Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when
>I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
>never happen again. Should I believe him?
>
>
>Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
>was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>
>
>Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do
>I get out?
>
>
>Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
>every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
>
>
>Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
>little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he
>finally did it.
>
>
>Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
>going through her mental pause?
>
>
>Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
>sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
>years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?
__________________
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Old 07-27-2002, 10:19 PM
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The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music
was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He
can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.














An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
>Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian
>accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the
>end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
>Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay
>her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she
>is short of funds she agrees.
>The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty
>of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
>again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it
>was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.. This goes on for 5
>nights.
>On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he
>orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is
>disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
>attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he
>is from and he tells her Melbourne.
>"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
>"Glen Iris" he says.
>"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
>"Cameo street" he says."
>"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
>He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
>"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22
>and my parents still live there!"
>"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"
>
>He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
>



A blonde, tired of being made fun of and
determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where
there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and
sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the
man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and
with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the
blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your
neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I
couldn't breathe."









ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:-

SICKDAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able
to come into work.

SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having
anything removed. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort
should be made to have
non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled for the late afternoon. We
will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own
replacement.

TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance:

All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to
8.40 and so on. If you are unable to
go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a
co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30
minutes for lunch to maintain
their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet
pill.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or
clothing we will assume that you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day


The Management
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Old 07-27-2002, 10:25 PM
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SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)







The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about
twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually
take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said,
"Okay, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than
yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled
Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"











Here's the latest plan out of Washington to
eliminate al Qaeda:

Send a unit of Texas Special Forces into
Afghanistan.
The team shall consist of Billy Bob, Bubba,
Dewayne, Jimmy, and Earl.

The team will only be given the following
instructions:

1. The limit is 3.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste like pork.
4. They don't like beer, women, pickup trucks, or
country music.
5. Some are queer.
6. You can only shoot from sunrise to sunset.

This shouldn't take long.




This one is about Flying Freddie:_
Only A True Southerner Knows

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH"
them.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in, "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl on the middle of
the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot
fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down
the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the
dark and scares you senseless.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines", and when we're "in line", we
talk to everybody!

True Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are a perfectly wonderful breakfast menu; that redeye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk"
means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own
way!
บบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบ






> GOOD:
> > > > A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn't
> > getting
> > > > many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing
>by
> > >the
> > > > road with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
> > officer
> > > > then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
>"TIPS"
> > and
> > >a
> > > > bucket full of c hange. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
> > > >
> > > > BETTER:
> > > > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
> > automated
> > > > radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
> > police
> > > > department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
>mailed
> > >photo
> > > > of handcuffs.
> > > >
> > > > BEST:
> > > > A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
>officer
> > > > walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
>"I
> > bet
> > > > you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
>He
> > > > replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
> > >silence
> > > > while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
>closed
> > his
> > > > book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was still laughing
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Old 07-27-2002, 10:51 PM
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke
with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...

He had never run across such a repugnant creature He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning
of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of
a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went.
The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.

The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands,
belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for horrific night,
entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied
that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the
time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she
would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend , but at night,
in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own
choice.
(scroll down)








Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart
or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a witch.









SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.







STOCK MARKET EXPLAINED

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

"Buy, Buy" - What you said to your money last year.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in
ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.









Everything Southern has its Yankee counterpart....

Here's how to tell which is which: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses

The North has Mom The South has Mama

The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has saving the whales The South has getting saved

The North has double last names The South has double first names

The North has sensational tabloids The South has neighbors

The North has the Mafia, The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has multiple branched family trees The South has family trees with trunks and no branches

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has grits

The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters The South has crawdads

The North has flower gardens, bird baths, and flagpoles in front yards The South has cars on blocks, pink flamingos, and washtubs
in front yards.













Life Explained.

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the
farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. I will give you a life span
of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty
year life span." Monkey said, "How
boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years." Man said, "What? Only
twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family; for the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and
bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained
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  #1110 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2002, 08:42 AM
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Talking

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, " who wrote this?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher."
The teacher says, "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" Johnny answers, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Apple," and gives the teacher an apple.
"Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You,"
The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices something written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1O." She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"
Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well Bobby, what does that mean?"
Bobby says, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Orange," and gives the teacher an orange. "Very good, Bobby, thank you."
The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed the board read, " F- U- C- K- I T".
The teacher, disappointed, said, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"
Then little Juanito, raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher".
The teacher says, " Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
Juanito answers, " It means, From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale".
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Old 07-28-2002, 09:05 AM
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~~~Women Vs. Handgun ~~~
Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few
rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking thebooks reminds me of a
basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method
called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff.
It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the
oil shortage occured. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been
purchased in the 1930's at 20ข a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current marketprices, which
accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, Sir,
but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
The professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, Son, this is Accounting 101.
Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pets View of Human Sex
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th
graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked
around nervously,and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty little mind,
2) you didn't read your homework
3) one day youare going to be very, very disappointed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cynics Guide To Life
*Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire
drill.
*Always take time to stop and smell the roses...and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
*If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a
good mooning.
*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the
salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and
the"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
*Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
*This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.That's the price you pay
for letting the relatives stay over.
*It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
*Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,and when it isn't... you
can't wait to throw up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
You Know You're From Louisiana...
When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and
they look at you like you have three heads...
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass...
Every so often, you have waterfront property...
You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car...
You know the meaning of a "Delcambre Reeboks" (That would be a pair of all white fishing
boots)...
You can name all of your 3rd cousins...
Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under...
When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like
Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!..
You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something"...
You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house....
The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy"dressed" is healthier
than a Caesar salad...
The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO...
You don't realize until high school what a "county" is...
You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several
Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop...
You have a ditch on at least one side of your property...
You like your rice and politics dirty...
You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Newawlins"...
You know when it's appropriate to use "Tony Chachere's"...
When you're in Baton Rouge you know the difference between the old bridge& the new
bridge...
Your last name isn't pronouned the way it's spelled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you're in cajun country when...

Your glasses fog up when you step outside...
You were in high school before you realized that Catholic and Public were not the two major
religions...
You will eat foods that are purple, green & gold...
Your baby's first words are "boudin"..
You're at Mardi Gras when it starts to rain and you cover your drink rather than your head...
You take Community Coffee & Tabasco with you on vacation...
You are not alarmed at finding plastic dolls in your pastry...
You eat cracklins for breakfast...
All the people in public office are known as "Dud, Moon, Cat, Duffy, or Dutch."..
You keep newspapers not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils...
You know that the best doughnuts are square and have no holes...
You exhibit "doubloon reflex" by stomping on a runaway quarter with your foot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't
that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.The
guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Bush turns to Powell,
punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about
the 140 million Iraqis!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't Ask...Don't Tell
Morris staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he
found another man in bed with his wife.
Sherry, his wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris had been until
two o'clock in the morning.
Morris looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he
doing in bed with you?"
The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 07-28-2002, 12:25 PM
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DRAGNET: Tom Van Lokeren, 47, knew who had stolen two of his credit cards, but police in San Francisco,
Calif., refused to arrest the suspect. So Van Lokeren bought a fishing net at Fisherman's Wharf, plus a can of
pepper spray and a stun gun at a military surplus store, and arrested the suspect himself. "I ran up after him,
and I stunned him on
*the shoulder, then I used the pepper spray. But, in all the ruckus, I ended up dropping the net. I never used
it." The police finally took it from there, booking James Timothy Stevens, 21, on two counts of theft.* Officers
are too busy with emergencies to deal with "property crimes," said Police Capt. James L. Dudley, explaining
the department's initial
*refusal to help. "It's not a life-threatening situation." Police, he added, "certainly don't encourage the public
to make their own arrest.* That's our job." (San Francisco Chronicle) ...The sad thing is, he doesn't even
notice any irony in there.

AIRLINE INSECURITY: A week after a pilot and a co-pilot for America West Airlines were arrested for trying to
fly an airliner drunk, a passenger boarding an America West flight from San Francisco, Calif., to Tucson,
Ariz., asked flight attendants if they had "checked the crew for sobriety." The attendants took immediate
action: they threw her off the
plane. "Safety is no joking matter," explained America West spokeswoman Patty Nowack. "While this
passenger may have been joking it is difficult to determine if someone is joking or serious. We take any
comment regarding safety seriously." (Reuters) ...Passenger warning: Anyone who considers a serious,
rational question a "joking threat to
safety" may be drunk

DRINKING, NOT THINKING: Craig Anthony Gribben, 27, was trying to get into his car, but the key broke off in the
lock. He asked the police in Tauranga, New Zealand, for help. The officer was a tad suspicious when he noticed
Gribben wasn't wearing any pants. A check of the car Gribben was trying to get into revealed it wasn't his -- it
belonged to a local police officer. He was arrested. Gribben's lawyer later explained that his client was simply "very
drunk" and thought the car was his.* (Hawke's Bay Today) ...It could have been worse: if it was his car the cops would
have gotten him for drunk driving.

DRINKING, NOT THINKING II: Sheriff's deputies in Gainesville, Fla., responded to a car alarm after a 911 caller said
there was a man locked inside the car trying to kick his way out through a window. Deputies arrived to find David
Christopher Lander, 51, "trying to hide, all scrunched down in the back seat," a sheriff's spokesman said. The car's
alarm system automatically locked the doors when it was activated. "I guess he thought deputies couldn't see him.
Had he pushed the button on the driver's side door, he could have gotten out." Witnesses said Lander reeked of
alcohol. He was arrested and charged with burglary and, since some of the car's contents were in his pockets, theft.
(Gainesville Sun) ...Look at that! The first time a cop ever responded to a car alarm, and he got a collar!



THERE WAS STILL ANOTHER fire last week, this time right in Boulder. Being interested in how stupid people
can be, you'll appreciate this: a helicopter dropping water on the fire had to ask the police to clear people
from around the lake he was dipping water out of because so many people were gathered around to watch it
was getting dangerous. (Duh!)
If that wasn't bad enough, another officer was dispatched out to have a talk with a paraglider who was trying
to get a close look at the fire! If that wasn't bad enough, he was in the way -- of a tanker plane!* I am
continuously amazed at how stupid people can be.

DRIVEN: "Cops: Man Steals Car to Get to Car Theft Hearing" -- Jersey City Journal headline
*











Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He
looked around then shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and
said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside,
you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black."
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the
wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"





An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for
the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said. "Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until
you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"





Sign above the scale in a doctor's office:
Pretend it's your IQ

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

The next time you feel like complaining,
remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in
this world.






Great internet sites....
Dog Dolls
Artist Lisa Pay makes dolls with dogs heads.
They are disturbing and made us flinch -
although they are meant to be cute.
http://www.pedigreesroyal.com/Dollydogs.htm

Penis Gallery
Satoki Nishida is a Japanese artist who takes
photos of his penis dressed in dolls costumes.
Some of them are in dresses and they actually
look quite sweet. (he could've put a face on it!)
http://makeashorterlink.com/?E40D243D

Rate my Implants
The rate my x trend continues with this
variation where you can look at women's breast implants and vote whether the surgeon has done a convincing job.
BTW: a quick search on netcraft domain monitoring site shows that there are 425 ratemy sites registered.
http://www.ratemyimplants.com

Jet Powered Beer Cooler
Beer loving Kiwi Simon Jansen has built a beer cooler powered with a jet engine. The photos
are great. Sadly this cooler doesn't fit into the back of his new car and he wants you to give him a spare turbo -
if you have one.
http://www.asciimation.co.nz/beer/

Last edited by bonyhadi; 07-28-2002 at 12:28 PM..
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Old 07-28-2002, 12:53 PM
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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and
suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the 2002 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these
definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.




ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is
similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine undertheir arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.



SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
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Old 07-28-2002, 06:36 PM
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Talking

Observations in Life

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
``````````````````````````````````````````````````
***Remember***
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue.
So, open your mouth, close your eyes,
And give your tongue some exercise!
================================================== ===========
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
================================================== ===========
Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.
================================================== ===========
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to
strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"
================================================== ===========
A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3
little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and
says "How are you today little doggy"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy"
The dog answers " I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't
look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be" At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
================================================== ====
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...

1. THE ALGORE Virus....
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
>
2. THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
>
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
>
4. THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)
>
5. THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
>
6. THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
>
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb,
then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
>
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files)
>
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
>
10. THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
>
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus....
(Only attacks minor files)
>
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) -
>
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why are men men and rats rats?
Because rats had first choice.

Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
A big zero with a small tail....

Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

Why do men marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man.
A rumor.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!

Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.

How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Ten Most Important Things"
1- LOVE: The special feeling that makes you feel all warm and wonderful.
2- RESPECT: Treating others as well as you would like to be treated.
3- APPRECIATION: To be grateful for all the good things that life has to offer.
4- HAPPINESS: The full enjoyment of each moment. A smiling face!
5- FORGIVENESS: The ability to let things be without anger.
6- SHARING: The joy of giving without thought of receiving.
7- HONESTY: The quality of always telling the truth.
8- INTEGRITY: The purity of doing what's right, no matter what.
9- COMPASSION: The essence of feeling another's pain, while easingtheir hurt.
10- PEACE: The reward for living the 10 Most Important Things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE SAID HE SAID
Wife: Scientists claim that the average person speaks ten thousand words a day.
Husband: Yes, dear, but remember you are far above average.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE...

A Cat Always Hits the Literbox

Better chance of training a cat

No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don't have to pretend to like it

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

A Cat purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a cat... Try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your cat turning into a pig when you host a party

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 07-29-2002, 05:32 AM
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Talking lnp

.....Sacramento Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian
determined
the problem.

The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed LNP aka Pat Buckley , a South African lad. Pat,
like most South Africans, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pat was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to
have sex
with the gorilla for $500? Pat showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pat announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First, mate," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."



"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."


The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.


"Well," said Pat, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the S500
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Old 07-29-2002, 05:38 AM
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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the
wife's hot ***** lips an enters. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt on, pull up his
shorts and carries her to the car. Then makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in an
cant be removed with forceps, the doctor explains to the husband that he'll
have to try and entice it out, by putting honey on his dick, and withdrawing
as soon as he feels the wasp. So the husband puts honey on his dick, but
because of his wife's screaming, general panic, and his frantic dash to the
doctors he just can't get it up.! So the doctor says "I'll perform the
procedure if your wife an you don't object.
Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage, so the doctor quickly
undresses, smears honey on his cock and instantly gets an erection.
Slowly he begins to enter the wife. then withdrawl, an then again, an again,
and again. Only, he doesn't stop.!!! But continues to deeply **** her hot
***** endlessly.
In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?".
The doctor replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little
bastard!"
==================================================
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you
had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important
things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you
love them. If you do, they might break your heart... but if you don't, you
might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you
were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart
decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to
do. It does it on its own....
when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other
person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are
too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection
was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found
out about us. But every time we tell a lie.... the thing we fear grows
stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who
has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one
waits forever...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...
What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good-bye?
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have
them?
Some people love, and some people die. But I want to tell you that if
something happened to me tomorrow, you would be in my heart. Would I be in
yours?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the ..

Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most
of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.

25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go
ahead, honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talkin' feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have, Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a minute...are you a narc?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the
bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health -- still no glaucoma, dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those=20
solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for the cookie
jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

#1 Reason your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs...

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on
their cheeks.
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
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  #1117 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2002, 07:35 AM
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Talking QUANTAS AIRLINES AND PREVENTION

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
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  #1118 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2002, 07:39 AM
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Talking

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl,
"What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day." "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer.
Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
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  #1119 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2002, 01:06 PM
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Talking

"The day is coming when millions of callers to
their stock mutual funds' toll-free numbers are
going to receive this message, or its equivalent.
"Thank you for calling. Goodbye." If you think
this can't happen, call this number:

1-800-397-1193

I'm not sure why this number exists, but its
recorded message is a herald of things to come.
When today's stock market hold-outs finally
decide to sell, they had better hope they don't
get this recording."




You live in California when ...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when.

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska (or Yellowknife) when . . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.


You live in the Deep South when . . .
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when . . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and
he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different! "

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
IN THE 21ST CENTURY
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin
Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of five
buildings.

~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.

~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is----> it's you.

~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

----- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a barbecue?

~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little
woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall
building. Suddenly, the officer notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
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  #1120 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2002, 03:23 PM
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Talking

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and
Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.















The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
work of the devil. "As an example," he stated during his sermon,
"If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of
whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you
tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can
tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."





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