Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Duct Tape...90 uses

Hate finding your mailbox clogged with junkmail, advertising circulars and bills? Duct tape your
mailbox shut.
Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with a single strip of duct tape.
Gals---duct tape keeps the toilet seat down
Guys---duct tape keeps the toilet seat up
Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing and
furniture-- also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture.
Replace winter boots with socks wrapped in several layers of duct tape.
Duct tape hand held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement during afternoon traffic
jams. Also great on trips.
High chair falling apart after the third kid? Duct tape will make it last for three or four more.You
may also want to duct tape your kid to the seat to avoid mid-meal slippage.
Make a fashion statement: Patch old blue jeans with duct tape.
Broken wooden serving spoons? Repair with duct tape, instant mock-silver service.
Reinforce Dad's old wallet bulging not from cash, but from his vast collection of credit cards.
Tired of refrigerator magnets tumbling to the floor each time you reach for a cold drink? Duct
tape will hold the kids' artwork until they graduate.
Quiet noisy kids: Make a Wacky-Roller duct tape ball to keep them busy. If all else fails, simply
tape their mouths shut.
Why spend the money for press-on fingernails? Fake fingernails made of duct tape take any
polish, and the natural gray color of duct tape nails has universal appeal. Or, if you like the
natural look, duct tape quickly removes nail polish with just one yank!
Use duct tape to bind your submarine sandwich for intact transportation.
Use duct tape to hide teenage complexion problems.
Plumbing problems? Sometimes it'll take a whole roll to stop a pesky leak, but heck, its still
cheaper than a plumber.
Use duct tape to cover rust spots on your car. Why not cover your entire car to rust proof it?
You'll never have to wax again!
Replace broken antenna with duct tape and a wire coat hanger.
Use duct tape to repair a tire. Multiple layers maybe required.
With duct tape, who need luggage racks? Simply duct tape your luggage to the top of your car.
Use duct tape to hold great grandpa upright in his chair.
Stop eyeglasses from slipping down your nose by duct taping them to your face.
Save money on haircuts: Simply press duct tape onto hair and pull very quickly. For a neater
trim, pull up slowly while clipping underlying hair with tin snips or hacksaw blade.
Reinforce window panes and secure household items in preparation for hurricanes. Better yet,
wrap up the whole house.
Use duct tape to keep socks from falling down.
Swim, ski, wrestle, bungee jump and parachute with confidence after securing your hair piece
with duct tape.
Label anything, even the kids. You only need duct tape and a waterproof marker.
Ensure safety at kid's parties: Replace dangerous tacks by playing "Duct Tape The Tail On The
Donkey." Also makes great blindfolds for "Duct Tape The Tail" and piñata action. Or give each
child a strip or two for a spirited game of "Where Will The Duct Tape Stick?"
Guard tender bottoms from slivers in wooden swing seats, lawn furniture and outhouse seats.
Also makesa great sliver remover. Simply tape and yank!
Duct tape television and VCR remote controls to couch arm to prevent loss.
Use duct tape to patch aluminum siding, then just spray paint to match the house.
Still painting every other year? Avoid pushy aluminum siding sales people by simply duct taping
your entire house.
Who needs to know how to sew? Duct tape hems pants and skirts in a jiffy!
Need a temporary wedding band? Hey, what the heck, with a product this durable, make a
permanent wedding band!
Small towns: Easily change your population signs with duct tape and a marker.
Lost in the woods? Not with duct tape around! Just hang little strips of tape from branches to
find your way back.
Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and drawer fronts for a
modern, metallic-look kitchen.
Use duct tape to combine burger flipper and a fly swatter for convenient cookout insect control.
Wrap a brick with duct tape for an effective and decorative doorstop. Better yet, duct tape the
door open.
Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished
your taxes, patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape.
Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling for an instant fly trap.
Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume knob at your favorite level. Duct tape vibrating
stereo to table.
Duct tape vibrating table to floor. In most cases, foundation should secure floor.
Teach kids about safety by using duct tape to make seatbelts for their dolls. Also keeps pets in
place.
Mosquito proof your clothes, stop the little suckers with impenetrable duct tape.
Use duct tape to hold eyes open during your boss's boring speeches.
Remove dust balls under beds using these three steps: 1.Wrap duct tape sticky side out around
small dog. 2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed. 3. Yell "fetch!"
Use duct tape to pick up spilled kitty litter. Also pickup kitty.
Use duct tape to protect tip of tongue so you can lick cold flag poles in the winter without risk.
Use duct tape to hold ponytails in place or use as a headband.Caution: Coat hair with a
lightweight motor oil, 10W-30 recommended, to prevent hair loss upon removal.
Use duct tape to join two pets, tail to tail, and see what happens.
Windy City residents: Duct tape your hat to your head.
Use duct tape to secure kids' stocking caps to their heads to avoid loss while sledding.
Use duct tape to secure kids to sled to avoid loss while sledding.
Trap mice the humane way. Simply lay a strip of duct tape on the floor, sticky side up, like fly
paper. To be extra nice, leave mice a piece of cheese to nibble while they wait to be removed.
Wind proof your picnic table cloth with a strip on each corner. Or, you might as well cover entire
picnic table in duct tape for easy clean up.
Press-n-yank loose teeth from their sockets. Remember to dry tooth thoroughly before applying
duct tape.
Use duct tape to cover birthmarks. You can also create temporary birthmarks by simply
applying tape on desired area, leave it on five to ten minutes, and then rip it off quickly.
Restless sleeper? Duct tape bed sheets in place.
Sleep walker? Duct tape sleeper in place.
Be kind to animals. Duct tape corncobs to trees for birds and squirrels. Or, duct tape birds and
squirrels to trees for dogs and cats.
Anyone taking the above duct tape use seriously should be duct taped to the tree right next to
the squirrel.
Seal packages with duct tape so even the postal service won't be able to damage the enclosed
contents.
Triple taping your return merchandise also really irritates mail order vendors

[bonyhadi]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each
stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they
committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is
Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any
progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout, "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go?!!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal
sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnantfrom anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
GOLF CHIPS
This is a bonafide true story. An oldboy friend and I were watching the ladies play golf on
TV (said boyfriend having a deathgrip on the remote). One of the players hit a bad shot
off into the rough and had to make a difficult shot back out of a patch of brush to get back
onto the fairway. The player ends up straddling a small shrub to get the correct angle for
the shot and the female announcer says "This will be an extremely difficult shot for her
with that bush between her legs."
You hear a strangled, choking noise from the male announcer (who probably still thanks his
lucky stars today that he was off-camera);
the female announcer then repeats "Yes, a very difficult shot with that bush between her
legs."
You then hear this from the male announcer "snort...snort...gasp...Brahahahahahah"
Quick cut to commercial.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the
seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100", but he said he didn't have that much.
So I told him that oral sex would be $75,but he didn't have that much either. Finally I
said, "Well, how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "He pulled it out and I put one
hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second
hand"
"Oh my g-d" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!",she exclaimed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
As you all know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape lately. It seems that,
because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and
acquisitions.
Here are a few mergers to keep an eye on, , , , , ,

1.Xerox and Wurlitzer (They're going to make reproductive organs.)

2.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers (The new company will be called. . .
Fairwell Honeychild)

3.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler (The new company will be called . . .
Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4.W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems (The
new company will be called . . . Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5.The 3M and Goodyear (The new company will be called . . . MMM Good)

6.John Deere and Abitibi-Price (The new company will be called
. . . Deere Abi)

7.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil (The new company will be called . . . Honey, I'm Home)

8.Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining (The new company will be called. . . Mine All
Mine)

9.Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants (The new company will be called
. . . Poupon Pants)


10.Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women (The new company will be
called . . . Knott NOW)

11.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining (The new company will be called .
. .Zip Audi Do-Da)

12.Motorola and Enron (The new company will be called . . . MORON)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~G-D AND THE EPA
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The
Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.
THE BEGINNING
In the beginning, G-d created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing
to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, G-d said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
G-d explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve
energy, he would turn the light off half the time.
G-d agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
G-d said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed."
The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.
Then G-d said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the HeavenlyWildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went smoothly until G-d said He wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a
public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....
At that point, G-d created Hell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll
only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
When the man asked his widower father why he'd married
a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy
instead of a woman his own age, the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business
than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man
stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

[bonyhadi]

Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men
Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to
the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to
recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that
if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and
if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and
piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite.
G-d might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a
man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two
inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams.
Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk
about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes,
but not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the
other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho.
Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's
wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back.
We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot
flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.

[CobraDan]

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus,please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

[bonyhadi]

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?










AS GOOD AS PUTTING IT IN....

A married man goes to confessional and
tells the priest, "I had an affair with
a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is
the same as putting it in. You're not to
go near that woman again. Now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his
prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly
runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed
up against it, and you said it was the same
as putting it in!"











A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She
gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Better to be safe than...................Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the .........................Bug is close

It's always darkest before............ Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of..........Termites

You can lead a horse to water but.........how?

Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty

No news is................................impossible

A miss is as good as a....................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new............math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning

Love all, trust...........................me

The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
*

An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's...............pollution

Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents

A penny saved is..........................not much

Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have
to blow your nose

None are so blind as......................Helen Keller

Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries

You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

Better late than..........................pregnant

[bonyhadi]

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
==========
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff. I just
want a database!"
==========
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
==========
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
==========
Customer: "I don't have a space bar.
==========
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently
need to print a document, but the computer
won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about error, non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's
an Intel inside."
==========
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem.
We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
==========
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk?
It has a hole in it."
==========
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
==========
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
==========
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still getting the same error."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?"
==========
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ..."
==========
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow, how can you see my screen from there?"
==========
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
==========
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I
get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or
as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
==========
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case
sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the
'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
==========
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery store."
==========
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
==========

.................................................. .........................







BALLS

Please read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

The amazing conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

This may explain why women are taking over the corporate world.

[bonyhadi]

DAUGHTER'S LETTER HOME FROM COLLEGE

************************************

An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from

college:

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will
bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly
after my arrival are pretty well healed now. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and
he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am
pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you
gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital
blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background
is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I
am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.

However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter

Linda.

[bonyhadi]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the
husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man
wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"







A Helping Hand
-----------------------------------
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want
to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be
afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll
look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you
sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help
you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the
darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you
please hand me the broom?"










Well Trained Worker
----------------------------------
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I
busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the
floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down
newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."











In Search Of...
---------------------------------
I live across the street from a church.
When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard so we went looking for
it.

She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling
the dogs name.

I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from
people walking in the area.

The dog's name is Moses.
--Patrick Davlin









In Pennsylvania, two Amish men were arrested for
distributing cocaine. "Police got suspicious when they
noticed a horse pulling a Camaro." (Conan O'Brien)









Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to
wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One
Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest
informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse
tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot
allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman
seated at a bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes
to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make
up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the
drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all
out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that
in her drink. As she sips on the drink, she gets more and
more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she
finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear,
....."Let's go shopping".

[CobraDan]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband
in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could buck, he could fly!"

[CobraDan]

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of
his malady. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
Thibideaux in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have
cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."
Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. To his son Boudreaux who had been waiting, Thibideaux said,
"Well son, us Cajun's celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate
when dey don't be so good.. In dis case, dey ain't so good. I got cancer.
Let's head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks."
After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more whiskey. They were eventually approached by some of
Thibideaux's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Thibideaux told them that coonasses celebrate the good and the bad. He
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "Da doctor dun told me I'm dying' from AIDS." His son's
eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say.
The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple
more shots. After his friends left, Boudreaux leaned over and whispered his
confusion.
"Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Thibideaux said, "I don't
want any of 'em sleeping with yo mama after I'm gone."

[bonyhadi]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with his cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you Can do for
me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives
him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.

"Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything
be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.
You say to frog, "will you marry me?' When
the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!

But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!











Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more

than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then, H A R D W O R K Totals 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 (=98%)



K N O W L E D G E Totals: 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 (= 96%)

But, A T T I T U D E Totals: 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 (=100%)

And, B U L L S H I T Totals: 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 (=103%} So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.


And look how far A S S K I S S I N G will take you:

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 (=118%)














There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make
it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of
one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price
was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the

sky opened, the rain poured down,washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the
lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)






"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

[bonyhadi]

Marriage......



You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W. W. Renwick
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the
other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her
mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; by then it
was too late."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of
hope over experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to
clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife,
fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and
the gardener."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no one pays the least bit of attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the latest surveys, when making love,
most married men fantasize that their wives aren't
fantasizing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
way to get your laundry
done for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
================================================== ==
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
================================================== ===========
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Lil' Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a
whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard,
so she made a point of calling Lil' Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually, I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a
seven year old???"
================================================== ===========
Heard Around the Office. . . .

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit.
No use being a complete fool about it.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does
as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until
you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.""At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless. "You really have to swim for it!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a kip when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance of the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to
reach the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the other sperm.
When, at last, he reaches the red sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And G-d created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,"What can be done with this useless boob?"
And G-d created man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-aone-a seen-a you around."
"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come,arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"
"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered."Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FACTS FROM THE 1500's

Next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be....

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still
smelled pretty good by June.

However they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men, then
the women and finally the children--last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
you could actually lose someone in it---hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the
animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying
"dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A
piece of wood was placed in entry way--hence, a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then add to these to start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in that had been there for quite a while--hence the
rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

At rare times they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that
a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers,
a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trencher were made from
stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old
bread. After eating of wormy moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got
the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table
for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So
they would dig up coffins and would
take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"grave yard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his
room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he
sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test
her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then
twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells, ... "Mary, Mother of G-d - Hand Lotion!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with his cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you Can do for
me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives
him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.

"Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything
be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.
You say to frog, "will you marry me?' When
the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!

But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

















A man drove his secretary home from a late
afternoon get-together of coworkers because
she was drunk and unable to drive.

Since nothing happened along the way between the
two, the man decided not to mention the secretary
to his wife.

Later that evening while the man was taking the
wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe
under the passenger seat. So, he asked her to watch
out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.

While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe
and tossed it out of his window.

When they arrived at the theater and were about
ready to get out of the car, his wife asked,

"Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?

[bonyhadi]

Subject: The "Stella" Award

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself
that she was holding between her legs while driving her car.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award-- for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.
All these cases verge on the ridiculous!
___________

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms.
Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car,
when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might
have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.

And the winner is:
Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased
a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having
entered the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not
surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
Winniebago actually changed their
handbooks on the back of this court case, just incase there are any other
complete morons buying their vehicles.








There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money
and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything, and
just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I
want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because
I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she'd put all his money in the casket with him. Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting
there dressed all in black, and her best friend sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers were going
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!' She had a box with
her. She took the box and put it down in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket lid down, and rolled it away.

Her friend looked at her hard, and said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man."

The wife responded, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised
him I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with that
man?"

"I sure did," said the wife with a smile. "I wrote him a check."














A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices
a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks
the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right !"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar,
no strings attached."






















> A pastor's church was getting too large for him to
cover
> all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself.
All
> was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once
> praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same
> time, this was his answer for his busy life.
>
> Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned
preacher's
> personality changed. He started making passes towards
> women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making
> obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and
the
> clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate
> lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.
>
> While the clone was looking at the skyline through the
> telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and
that
> was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the
> building and walked past the crowd that had gathered,
the
> police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under
> arrest"?? What's the charge?
>
> Making an obscene clone fall.

[bonyhadi]

Well Endowed Leprechaun

A large man walked into a public restroom where a small
man was peeing.

The big guy said to the little one, "Excuse me for noticing,
but you have a very large dick. How did it get that
way?"

The little guy said, "Well, I'm a leprechaun, I wished
it upon myself."

The big guy said, "Wow, could you wish it upon me?"

The little guy said, "Sure, but only if you let me butt
**** you for 5 minutes.

The big guy agreed.

After it was all over the big guy said, "I can't believe
I let you do that."

The little guy said, "I can't believe you thought I
was a leprechaun.













THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH. ONE'S A TEXAN
WEARING A STETSON, ONE'S A MUSLIM WEARING A
TURBAN, AND THE LAST AN APACHE WITH AN EAGLE
FEATHER WOVEN IN HIS HAIR.

THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS "ONCE MY
PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE ARE FEW. THE MUSLIM
PUFFS UP AND SAYS "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW, BUT
NOW WE ARE MANY MILLIONS."

THE TEXAN ADJUSTS HIS HAT, FINISHES ROLLING A
SMOKE, LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND DRAWLS,
"THAT'S
CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS AND MUSLIMS YET





















A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies, I've
always
wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the
footpath. Not a
bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road.
He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10
quid on
the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on
"Lucky
seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks
and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir!
We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures
on
offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl...

so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes
before
clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't
believe how
lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your
forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to
see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong,
what's wrong?"
asks the Indian girl.


To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"























American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.



You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood every day ... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

and last but not least...

You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

[bonyhadi]

Hawaiian Jewish greeting...

ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell;
and from such a pain you should never know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his
new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the man. "To show you how
much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner
in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of the
operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't
stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made
you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you
don't like factories and won't work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
During the last holiday season, many individuals
expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the
synagogue.

In order for us to place you in a seat which will best
suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate
order of interest
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ The gabbi
___ The gabbi's wife
___ The gabbi's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ President Clinton

___ President Clinton and Monica
___ Sex (Preference________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: ____________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near
for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_____________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority

___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following
people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you
may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ __________________________


Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: _________________________
= = = = = =
Addendum to the Synagogue Seating Form

___Check here if you'd like the office to tell your
in-laws that there are no more seats available.
(Please note there is an extra charge of $100 for this
service.)


A Note From the High Holiday Seating Committee: A
special heartfelt thank you to the 3 families (you
know who you are) who submitted their reservation
forms without editorial comment, without special
seating requests, without drawing seating diagrams and
without citing Supreme Court precedent. As for all
the rest of you, we found your submissions highly
entertaining and we look forward to seating each
and every one of you in the Shul's 900 aisle seats.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Jewish Curses

May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can
have a toothache.
May your blood turn to whiskey, so that a hundred
bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your
belly button.
May all your hair should fall out except for one - and
it should have dandruff.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were
having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The story is told of two men visiting New York City
for the first time who come across two Jews wearing
long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long
beards and payos (earlocks). One man turns to the
other and says, "What's that?"
The second man replies, "Hassidim."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what
are they?"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Sam and Morris were partners in a clothing factory.
Sam decided to take a trip to Rome. Morris had a lot
of catholic friends and surprised Sam with an audience
with the Pope. On his first day back to work after his
trip to Rome he and Morris started talking and Morris
said to Sam, so, what kind of a man is the Pope? Sam
replied, I would say he is a 44 regular
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at
Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette
Zionist to figure that one out." --Gary Hallock
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The Israeli police were looking for a man named
Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona
ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist,
and he worked occasionally as a farmer In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had
hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on
the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they
were the two best towels we had... the ones we got
from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted
by a committee of workmen who report that her husband
has just been badly wounded on the job and is in
critical condition at the hospital. She does not say
a word and continues eating.

They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you,
Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in
critical condition!"

"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word.
And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to
hear such a scream!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

[bonyhadi]

Vacation to Africa
A couple from the United States took a vacation to Africa and, while there,
heard about a tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
Well, the couple could not believe this, so they engaged a guide to take
them to find this tribe in a remote part of Africa.

When the couple arrived at the tribe's camp, they were permitted to inspect
the male natives' genitalia and, sure enough, each native had one 24 inches
long!

The couple asked the chief how this all came about and they were told that,
when each male child became a certain age, a string was tied around his
penis and on the other end of the string was a weight.
After a while, the weight had the effect of lengthening the penis to
24 inches.

After the couple returned home, the husband was getting out of the shower
one day and his wife looked at him and said, "What would you think about
your trying the African native string-and-weight procedure so that you can
have one like those natives?" The husband agreed and he attached the string
and weight.

A few weeks later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal procedure
coming?"

He replied, "Well, we're half way there."

She asked, "You mean it's getting longer?"

He said, "No, but it's turned black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing
seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."
So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned
into??????
>
>
>
>
>
come on, guess.........????????
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: I saw an interesting TV ad for a stop-snoring product. It said, "Nothing ruins a romantic mood like snoring."
Jill: Mary, if he's snoring, the romantic mood is already over!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Ever wonder why divorce is so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've really been working out lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin."
"The old record was none."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the
funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here
every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always
bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Bumper Snickers: (on the car of a young, very cute blonde) OGOPHUKYURCELPH.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****.
If we are what we eat... I could be you by morning.
A hard man is good to find.
"Ax me about Ebonics."
IN-AND-OUT BURGER HOUSE trimmed to read: IN-AND-OUT URGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens. The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom,
she said, "Did you just brush your teeth?"
The husband answered, "Yes, Dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Counter-terrorism experts are now saying that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding secret messages in pornographic websites."
"You know what that means?
Clinton could find this guy before Bush does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge to convict: "The prisons are all full, so I'm sentencing you to five years in the waiting room at the department of motor vehicles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early. Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the door to the men's locker room blew open, exposing a man who was wearing nothing
but a towel over his head.
"Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking.
"He isn't mine either," said the second.
After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Subject: HIGH TECH WOMEN
Three women are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her forearm and the
beeping stops. The others look at her curiously.
"That's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second
woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she
finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand."
The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech,
steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she
returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
the crack of her butt. The others raise their
eyebrows.
"Oh, excuse me. I'm getting a Fax."

[CobraDan]

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?"

The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."