Club Cobra GasN Exhaust  

Go Back   Club Cobra > General Discussion > Lounge

Nevada Classics
Main Menu
Module Jump:
Nevada Classics
Nevada Classics
MMG Superformance
MMG Superformance
Advertise at CC
Banner Ad Rates
Keith Craft Racing
MMG Superformance
Keith Craft Racing
Keith Craft Racing
February 2025
S M T W T F S
            1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28  

Kirkham Motorsports

Like Tree10Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 6 votes, 4.33 average. Display Modes
  #1061 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 12:58 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

A blonde student was writing a test when she walked up to the teacher
and said she was having trouble. Her teacher asked her which question
she was having trouble with.
She replied "I can't understand the first one.
What do you mean "Put your name in the right hand corner"?





How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.








A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office,
"But why?"he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this
before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his,
and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1062 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 01:51 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

The newest card game in San Francisco these days is something
called pansy poker. Queens are wild and straights don't count.
================================================== ===========
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you
think it's worth the extra effort?
================================================== ===========
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
================================================== ===========
It was down under the cherry tree,
the first time my girlfriend showed it to me
It was hairy and black and it had a crack
and it looked like a jungle to me
so I pulled out my hairy banana,
and I shoved it in the crack
then I heard a scream,
and I saw some cream so I pulled my banana back!
================================================== ===========
Very distinguished looking, elegantly-dressed individual hails a
taxicab. Cabbie says, "So where do you want to go to?"
The fare replies, "My good man, I am a professor of the English language, and
you have just committed an egregious faux pas. It is grammatically
incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. As you may or may not
know, the word "to" is a preposition. I implore you to correct this
embarrassing error - please try to reconstitute the sentence in such a
way that it does not end with the word "to," I beg of you."

Cabbie looks at the man for a moment, and then says "All right."

"So where do you want to go to - asshole!!"
================================================== ===========
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
================================================== ===========
In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships,
they finally accomplished the following.
USA is USS which means "United States Ship".
British is HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship".
and now Italy is AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"
================================================== ===========
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
=================================================
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office,
"But why?"he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this
before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his,
and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
================================================== ===========


BEST WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

2. I hate everybody, and you're next!

3. And your point is....

4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later

.5. **Warning** I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

6. You KNOW you want me.

7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

9. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!

11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

13. I'm not a *****, I'm THE *****; and it's MS. ***** to you!

14. All stressed out and no one to choke.

15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?16. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
The Great Dentist
====================

I was on my back as the drill ground away.

The dentist had been drilling, chipping, picking, sticking,
prying, probing, hammering, and anything else that I could think
of as she worked on my tooth.

I was having a root canal redone. It felt fine but the dentist
said (and showed me on the x-ray) that it might be better if I
had it redone.

I was in the chair for over two hours.

Anyone that walked in would have seen me lying there as the
assortment of drills and picks lay neatly on a cloth.

They would have pitied me.
I don't think anyone likes going to the dentist.

I was in agony. I was uncomfortable. I was impatient and
needed to get out of that chair pronto.

I could only take it another few minutes.

Anyone looking at me would have sympathized with my feelings and
completely understood when I asked if I could get up out of that
chair.

The only problem is they would have been completely wrong.

Yes, I was in extreme discomfort.
Yes, I needed to get up out of that chair.
Yes, I did ask the dentist to stop.
Yes, I did get up.

Anyone would have sympathized, but everyone would have
misunderstood.

The local anesthetic worked fine. The entire right side of my
face was as numb as a fingernail. I couldn't feel any pain.
Although the machinations of the dentist, the sounds and the
vibrations weren't the most pleasant in the world, they didn't
bother me at all.

I even had a bite block in my mouth so my jaw didn't get tired
from holding my mouth open. I was quite comfortable from the
dentistry.

Then why was I in such agony?

I had to use the bathroom!

I had gulped a quart of fresh fruit juice a couple of hours
earlier and the fruit juice was now processed. I had to go to
the bathroom. When you've got to go, you've got to go.

There I was with a dentist on one side and a technician on the
other side. Both were working diligently and expertly, one
mining my tooth while the other vacuumed and rinsed.

I lay perfectly still on the outside but all I could think of
was getting to the bathroom and the need was getting stronger.

It was another MountainWings Moment.

How can having to use the bathroom in the dentist's chair be a
MountainWings Moment? I realized some things lying there.

First, what is really bothering you is often not apparent from
the outside. What others see is not the real problem. It looks
like it should be the real problem, but it's not.

Others may see you snap at a co-worker or the kids or your
spouse and think, "Boy, they sure have irritated them."

That's not really what's bothering you at all. It wasn't your
co-worker, kids, or spouse, it was something else that they
can't see but you feel it on the inside.

The list of those things is too long to begin to mention but you
know some of yours. I may snap at my wife because I can't find
something that I'm looking for but it's really not the lost
thing, I was frustrated from something else.

You know the phenomenon all too well.

Second, you can't voice it clearly.

With a face as numb as fingernails, a bite block, picks, drills,
and wash and vacuum tubes in your mouth, you can't talk clearly.

I opened my eyes and mumbled,

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm."

"What?" the dentist asked.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm."

They removed the toolbox from my mouth so that I could speak
clearly but my face and right jaw was still numb.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm," I tried to articulate
clearly.

"What?" she asked again.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm," I repeated slower but with a
greater sense of urgency.

"Oh! You've got to use the bathroom - sure"

I was popped up and hastily asked, "wwwhaa iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"What?"

"wwwhaa iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"What?"

"WWWHAA! iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"Oh, It's down the hall to the right."

Often, when you are in pain or dire need, people can't
understand you. They can't relate. They don't know why you
can't just grin and bear it. They don't understand your
predicament and how you feel.

You are desperate and the world doesn't understand.

There are some situations that you can't articulate to others
for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe you
are embarrassed. Maybe even you don't know how to put it in
words or maybe what happened was so rough that you had to numb
yourself to the memory to eliminate the pain.

Often the thing that's really bothering us is not the thing
people see. It's an inner thing.

An inner thing that we often can't speak.

A thing of the heart and soul.

For those kinds of things maybe you need to get in a quiet place
where you can talk to someone that does understand.

Often things of the inner spirit require a greater divine spirit
to heal. There are some problems that can only be fixed by the
manufacturer.

As I left the dentist she gave me a powerful painkiller
prescription. "As soon as the anesthetic wears off, you will
probably be in a lot of pain and you will need this," she said
handing me the prescription.

I spoke to The Great Dentist about it.
I never took the prescription.
I never had even the slightest trace of pain.

Get quiet and speak your unspeakable things.
Speak to someone that understands and won't judge nor condemn.

Someone that can take away the pain.

The pain that you can't even talk about.
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1063 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 04:36 PM
CobraDan's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
Not Ranked     
Default Bony

No one has read any of your jokes there all looking at your new Avatar
Dan
Reply With Quote
  #1064 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 05:19 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

Leaving?
-----------------------------------
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told
her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a
bride, and I gave my consent."

Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so
hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones.
"You just take her with you."










Marriage Problems
----------------------------------
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide
to end their union after a very short time together. After
a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court
to finalise their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the
point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep
this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we
haven't been able to agree on one thing.

The wife says, "Seven weeks."







Not All Bad
---------------------------------
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about
their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to
pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we
can still drive."




One Saturday morning a suburban Nashville grandmother
remarked to her neighbor that she was going to get her
12-year-old grandson to wash the car when he came over
to visit. Not to be outdone, the neighbor lady bragged
that her 8-year-old grandson would pick up tree limbs
that were scattered around the yard. You guessed it.
An hour later one grandma was washing a car while the
other was picking up branches.




Reply With Quote
  #1065 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 05:21 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

hey dan
new avitar is there to promote cardio vascular exercise!
how is Mrs doing, elbow healing? Find the cause of the fall?
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1066 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 05:44 PM
CobraDan's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
Not Ranked     
Default

The wife has an appointment with the doctor for her arm and another to find out why she possible blacked out this coming week.
Dan
Reply With Quote
  #1067 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 05:48 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

Dear Dan,
Hope all works out and there are no serious problems.
I learned you met my wife and her girl friend at DVSF, she came back
with one of your cards.
Take care and GOD BLESS AMERICA,
daniel
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1068 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2002, 10:47 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

=== Man and Woman At a Bar ===

A man and a woman were having drinks when they
got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with
getting laid?"

"Good Point!" the woman countered. "However, Think
about this...when your ear itches and you put your
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better-your ear or your finger?"








=== Quick Thinking Husband ===

A man drove his secretary home from a late
afternoon get-together of coworkers because
she was drunk and unable to unable to drive.

Since nothing happened along the way between the
two, the man decided not to mention the secretary
to hiswife.

Later that evening while the man was taking the
wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe
under the passenger seat.

So, he asked her to watch out her window for a
parking spot close to the theater.

While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe
and tossed it out of his window.

When they arrived at the theater and were about
ready to get out of the car, his wife asked,

"Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?"













=== Lost at Sea ===

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic
escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he
rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could
only deliver one wish,not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick
blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after
a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice
going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee
in the boat."
















=== Keys In Car ===

A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager,
"I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you
had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and
unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that
works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside
to see how the blonde was doing.

He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the
left," said the other blonde inside the car.







=== Bank Robbery ===

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to
rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and
goes over the plan with the second blonde, Robin,
in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of
the bank, stops the car and says to Robin,
"I want to make absolutely sure you understand
the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in
no more than three minutes with the cash.
Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in
the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really
stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here
comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope
and is dragging it to the car. About the time she
gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the
bank doors burst open again with the security
guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around
his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Trisha
says "You are such a blonde! I thought you
understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what
you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all
mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow
the SAFE!"











=== Been Robbed ===

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcasted
the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with
his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the
porch, sat down on the steps put her face in
her hands and moaned: "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman!"















A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the
husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway
down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the
hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there
wearing nothing more than a condom.

The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what
are you doing?"

The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control,
started with a bull**** story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a
mouse."

The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when
ya catch it ... **** it?"
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1069 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 06:36 AM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and
yellow. The old man just stared.

The young punk said, "What's the matter old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"

The old man smile and said, "Well, one time I got drunk and had
sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my
son."











A worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "Sid, a mouse just
ran up my wife's honeypot!"

"I'll be over in 10 minutes, Larry," The doctor replied. "In the
meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs."

When the doctor arrived at the house, the young son showed him upstairs
to the bedroom. There on the bed lay a frantic woman, legs spread wide,
while her husband waved an open can of tuna back and forth.

"Larry, you idiot!" the doctor cried. "I said to use cheese!"

"Dammit, Sid," Larry yelled back, "I know that! But I've got to get the
cat out, first!"








With the heat of their passion quite high,
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y,
But her burning desire,
Quickly set him on fire,
When she smeared that Ben-Gay on the guy.

~~~~~~~~

There once was a man from nuntucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin,
IF MY EAR WAS A **** I WOULD **** IT!

~~~~~~~~

Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

~~~~~~~~

A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.

A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.

~~~~~~~~

Here I sit here broken hearted
Paid a dime but only farted
Yesterday I took a chance
Saved a dime, but **** my pants!

~~~~~~~~

Here I sit cheeks a flexin'
Giving birth to another Texan!

~~~~~~~~

Arty Farty
Had a party
All the farts were there.
Tutti frutti
dropped a beauty
And they all went out for air.

~~~~~~~~

Oh pardon me for being so rude
It was not me it was my food
But if it had not passed my heart
It would've ended up as a fart.

~~~~~~~~

When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lot of class.


Reply With Quote
  #1070 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 06:38 AM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing
new "drive-thru" cash point machines where customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their Vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted
intensive behavioral studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Break, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Reinsert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Recheck make-up again
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind you
* 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 26 Release Parking Break.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determine to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a Texan and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied, she decided to hire the Texan, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one
day,the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly said to him. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again
with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BICYCLE RIDE
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too
much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of
the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the
roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes
Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely
naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S THAT TIME...
You know it is time to diet when you wear yellow pants,bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to get in for a ride to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
"Kitchen Complaint"
I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall. It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They snatch things from the cupboard shelves,
the pantry's always bare. It's impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum, my guess is
someone wanted the container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed, I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of
bread.The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair,The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows stuck with toothpaste are for a
childish craft,everyone takes what they need while mother gets the shaft.So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The culprit is the
loser...and the loser fixes dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a
six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot
reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the
customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing
his voice, the customer standing next to himknocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right
man.We also learned that when the customer knocked him out,the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left nut. If that's not justice, I don't
know what is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONDOM SIZES

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one...Wait! Make it
MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... ****! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

MC: Here she is, Miss Palestine, the new Miss World!
What's your wish, Miss World?

MISS WORLD. Peace and good will towards all people.

MC: What is your plans for the future ?

MISS WORLD: To be a suicide bomber for my people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORSE JOBS
There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the
cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic
tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
PLATONIC?
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment. "Mrs. Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen-year-old boy spends three hours
every night in your apartment?"
Mrs. Smith replied, "It's a platonic friendship. It's play for him and a tonic for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Reply With Quote
  #1071 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 06:43 AM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing
new "drive-thru" cash point machines where customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their Vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted
intensive behavioral studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Break, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Reinsert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Recheck make-up again
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind you
* 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 26 Release Parking Break.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determine to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a Texan and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied, she decided to hire the Texan, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one
day,the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly said to him. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again
with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BICYCLE RIDE
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too
much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of
the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the
roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes
Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely
naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S THAT TIME...
You know it is time to diet when you wear yellow pants,bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to get in for a ride to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
"Kitchen Complaint"
I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall. It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They snatch things from the cupboard shelves,
the pantry's always bare. It's impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum, my guess is
someone wanted the container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed, I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of
bread.The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair,The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows stuck with toothpaste are for a
childish craft,everyone takes what they need while mother gets the shaft.So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The culprit is the
loser...and the loser fixes dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a
six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot
reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the
customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing
his voice, the customer standing next to himknocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right
man.We also learned that when the customer knocked him out,the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left nut. If that's not justice, I don't
know what is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONDOM SIZES

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one...Wait! Make it
MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... ****! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

MC: Here she is, Miss Palestine, the new Miss World!
What's your wish, Miss World?

MISS WORLD. Peace and good will towards all people.

MC: What is your plans for the future ?

MISS WORLD: To be a suicide bomber for my people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORSE JOBS
There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the
cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic
tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
PLATONIC?
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment. "Mrs. Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen-year-old boy spends three hours
every night in your apartment?"
Mrs. Smith replied, "It's a platonic friendship. It's play for him and a tonic for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Reply With Quote
  #1072 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 07:43 AM
CobraDan's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
Not Ranked     
Talking

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or *uck?"
Reply With Quote
  #1073 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 03:32 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking women

Translating Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = you'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my arse fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = you'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs

You're so.. Manly = you need a shave and you sweat a
lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive

It's your decision = the correct decision should be
obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you
ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good Game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really notgoing to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question

I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other men

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
have sex with you in the next 10 minutes

Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that
I am deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Reply With Quote
  #1074 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 05:14 PM
CobraDan's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
Not Ranked     
Talking A City Boy named Kenny

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.


Reply With Quote
  #1075 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 05:58 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be
doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized
bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making
a fuel of yourself!"
================================================== ====================
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"
================================================== ====================
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right.
How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
================================================== ====================
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a
wonderful mother to our kids, and is fantastic in bed."
================================================== ====================
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front

of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his
crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where

is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
================================================== ====================
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a
comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking."
================================================== ===========
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this Earth. He spoke to his
toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park
in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance
floor?
Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees?
You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we
marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy
birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy!
If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Blonde Moments!

A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep
the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, the
blonde does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day
the blonde does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as
much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles. The boss thinks she is just
having a bad day, so he still lets her keep the job. The fourth day,
the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you
doing well now?!" The blonde replies, "I can't get far because each day
I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
================================================== ===========
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1076 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 06:44 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:- Don't u know, I
sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local
anesthetic.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people? Answer:- Why? Would it rather
have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the Seafood Dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of
adulterated cement. We
occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question:- Oh my gosh ...you have grown so
much! Answer:- Well you haven't
particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No, he's a
miserable wife-beating , insensitive
lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was doing
research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb little moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its
autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- No it wont.
It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke. Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle.... it
was a piece of chalk and now it's
in flames!!!













AKEN FOR A RIDE
----------------------------------
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the
wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove
off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget,
John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"














Rejecting A Rejection Letter
----------------------------------
Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your
refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had
been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates
it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not
meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment
with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to
seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]























Travel Tips
---------------------------------
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise
includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
* Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate
motto is Die American Pig.
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if
you have experience in jungle warfare.
* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blankethead.
* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an
interpreter.
* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as "Petey-Boy."
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase
of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.















"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."

"I thought they just hired a new teller last week."

"Right. That's the one they're looking for."




Reply With Quote
  #1077 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2002, 07:14 PM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?

You can also sit upright in a car.
===============================================

A hillbilly was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle Joe from Chicago has
died and left him over $100,000. The hillbilly was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust until he was released.
The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up.
The Hillbilly said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said, "Sure" and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer.
After a few weeks the warden visited him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the
floor.
The warden asked the Hillbilly what happened.
The Hillbilly said it didn't work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.
The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do.

The Hillbilly said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it. The Hillbilly said, "I hit the ESCAPE
key and nothing happened!!"
=================================================

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
~~~~~~~


Find the person who will love you because of your differences and
not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.

~ Leo Buscaglia

My 13 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a
boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent
most of the day in bed. I told him the TV was my
boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for
no reason. I'd give it a few hard whacks on the side
and it would come back on, it was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my
son answered the door.

At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back
on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little
one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging
her boyfriend".
~~~~~~


A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
~~~~~

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

~~~~~~~

Dennis Miller on the Pledge Situation

Much has been said and written about this, but nobody can quite put an insightful and acerbic spin on it like Dennis Miller. Check this
out:

Isn't it great we live in a country where a federal appeals court can declare the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because the
words "under G-d" are a violation of separation of church and state? Well, you know something, your honors: following that logic,
wouldn't the fact that you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible render you unemployed?
Or maybe we should respond by withholding your obviously
unconstitutional "In G-d we trust" paychecks, huh? Or why don't we just change the phrase to "One nation under a crushing blanket of
overly sensitive political correctness?"

If you haven't heard, Michael Newdow, a 49-year old atheist, created a media sensation this week after bringing a lawsuit on behalf of
his 8-year old daughter. Well, Mikey, you did a great job of protecting your kid, didn't ya? Put her in the middle of this jingoistic
maelstrom. Yeah, you are the dad of the year. Why don't you pick your trophy up when it's safe to come out of hiding?

By the way, to all the people out there making death threats against this man and his daughter: if G-d had wanted you to kill in His
name, you'd be living in the Middle East, not the Midwest.

Well, anyway, it's good to know that all children are now guaranteed the right to come into their classroom in the morning and burn the
flag, as long as they don't salute it.

You know folks, I haven't quite figured out the math on this one yet, but I think the aggrieved minority in this culture now is the
majority.

And, by the way, to the two judges who authored this fiasco: instead of church and state, maybe you should be worried about the
separation of your head and your a**.
Reply With Quote
  #1078 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2002, 04:54 AM
CobraDan's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
Not Ranked     
Talking Moon

We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons",
where:

means a smile and

is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
Reply With Quote
  #1079 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2002, 07:00 AM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Default

Billy Joe Bob and Joe Bob Wayne were hunting one sunny day.
Now Joe Bob was not the brightest person in the world.
They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude.
Billy Joe jumped up and said,
"Boy, she looks good enough to eat."
So, Joe Bob shot her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Did You Know?
Most men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep The ashes of the average cremated person weigh
nine pounds The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes The average human produces 25,000
quarts of spit in a lifetime,
enough to fill two swimming pools

An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds
There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheri and Rose were sitting in a bar,
when Sheri began reflecting on her failed marriage ...
Sheri told Rose,
"I told my ex, " You just don't arouse me!"

Rose responded,
"Well, that's pretty forthright!
What did he say?"

"He said,
"Well, maybe you have a dry well~!"

Rose, shocked said,
"OOH DAMN! THAT was a low blow!"

No kidding, Sheri said, "So I straightened him out"
Rose asked, "What'd you tell him?"

I told him, " Nahhh, I just need a new drill~!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

If you dream about Lips

Thin or cruel lips in a dream are a warning against making
hasty judgement of others.
Beautiful lips signify a successful sex life and happiness in love.
Thick, overly sensual, or ugly lips forecast failure in love but success in business.
Chapped, dry, or sore lips indicate a loss of status or business reverses.
Children's or a baby's lips are a sign of true friendship where you least expected it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A young woman with huge breasts was trying on an extremely low cut dress.
As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady
if she thought it was too low cut. The sales lady asked her
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No ... of course not !!!"

" Then it's too low cut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis and
considered a large cock to be visually unappealing.

Aristotle proposed that a small penis was capable of greater
fertility than a large one. He reasoned that the sperm has less distance
to travel in a short dick and therefore it was more "hot and potent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag,
and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat

compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~


The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman.
"I switched cocks." Said the man.
"What a coincidence," she replied.
__________________
Need more horsepower, raki and where in the hell did The REDHEAD go off to?
=============================
Reply With Quote
  #1080 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2002, 07:02 AM
bonyhadi's Avatar
CC Member
Visit my Photo Gallery

 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: 2555 west bluff fresno, ca.,usa, ca
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA535 with 427FE s.o.& toploader
Posts: 2,494
Send a message via AIM to bonyhadi Send a message via Yahoo to bonyhadi
Not Ranked     
Talking

=====================
At a family gathering, all generations attending,
the naughty grandchildren smuggle a Viagra pill
into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself to go to the
men's room.
When he returns, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" asked the grandchildren.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom, so I
took
it out, but then I saw it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
=====================
Screw yew

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw
the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be
incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the
French,
the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their
middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck
yew!
"PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving
the bird".. And yew thought yew knew everything.
===================

The Urge To Lose Weight (Guaranteed)

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how the heck he would ever do it, he comes
across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program."

"Guaranteed like heck" he thought to himself; but desperate, he called
them &subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there is a knock at his door & when he answers it, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19-year-old babe


dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes & a sign around her neck


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,


huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her. After

they are through, she leaves & he thinks to himself," I like the way this
company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On
the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost the
10lbs. as promised. He calls the company & orders from them their 5 day/20 lb.
program.
As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door & there stands
the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door
after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape & it takes him a


while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze.


She is by far the best he has ever had.
For the next 5 days, the same routine happens & much to his delight, on
the 6th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lbs, as
promised. He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7
day/50lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
He answers, "Yes...I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door & when he opens it, he finds
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes & a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

=================================
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the
house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought
her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your
shoes which you d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never
wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you
both in our bed with no clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't
use anymore?"
================
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so
busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not
for good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's
no wonder that brides often blush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
past ...but never the present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you
stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is
gonna work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when
the interest is kept up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook,
sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking
orders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 40th
wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonigh?" "Naw,
said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 40
years
==========================
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:17 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0
The representations expressed are the representations and opinions of the clubcobra.com forum members and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and viewpoints of the site owners, moderators, Shelby American, any other replica manufacturer, Ford Motor Company. This website has been planned and developed by clubcobra.com and its forum members and should not be construed as being endorsed by Ford Motor Company, or Shelby American or any other manufacturer unless expressly noted by that entity. "Cobra" and the Cobra logo are registered trademarks for Ford Motor Co., Inc. clubcobra.com forum members agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyrighted material is owned by you. Although we do not and cannot review the messages posted and are not responsible for the content of any of these messages, we reserve the right to delete any message for any reason whatsoever. You remain solely responsible for the content of your messages, and you agree to indemnify and hold us harmless with respect to any claim based upon transmission of your message(s). Thank you for visiting clubcobra.com. For full policy documentation refer to the following link: CC Policy
Links monetized by VigLink