Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment
suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and
say's what's wrong with the co-worker
telling you that your hair smells nice. The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[trctrdrvr]

There was a couple married for 50 yrs and on the 50th anniversary the wife saw the husband crying and she told him "honey I never knew that after 50 yrs you would still love me the same way you did 50 yrs ago".

The husband looks at the wife and ask her " honey remember 50 yrs ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked".

And the wife says yes, the man replies do you remember what your father told me that day?

She replies no.

The husband replies he told me that if I didn't marry you that he would have me locked up in prison for 50 yrs.

The wife looks at the husband and says "and?"

So the husband replies"**** I could have been a free man by now"

[trctrdrvr]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hrs. on the road, they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but only plan to sleep for 4 hrs and then get back on the road.

When they check out 4 hrs later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and the explains the hotel has an Olimpic-size pool and ahuge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. " The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions , the man replies, " But we didn't use it it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. " But sir," he says, " this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right" says the man. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

" But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

" Well the manager replies she was here and you could have."

[CobraDan]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's go for stupid. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caught for speeding! The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied,"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stuck under a bridge. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir.You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's
go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dealing with trouble. A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy,
"you're under arrest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too Late! The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at
this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

[bonyhadi]

Ten reasons why golf is better than sex

1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
3. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
6. Three times a day is possible.
7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you live in Sun City, you can do it every day.
9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
.........and best of all
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it
===========================================
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and
promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
==================================
Can anyone tell me why Tampax needs a web site?
"Geez, the cramps are really kicking in. I'd better head over to the maxi-
pad chat room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."
My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
A: Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) It's called 101 WAYS TO WOK YOUR DOG.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me
friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness--couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum sucking ****ing arseholes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this: My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read today where the new Alabama quarter is going to be recalled soon.
They say it won't work in vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Eulogy
```````````````````````````````````

She married the day she graduated from high school and
had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. Yet again she remarried, and this
time had 5 more children.

And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
good Lord above, giving thanks for this loving woman
who fulfilled the commandment to "go forth and multiply."

At the end of his eulogy, the preacher said, "Thank you
Lord, they are finally together."

Leaning over to speak with a neighbor, one mourner quietly
asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third
husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."
====================================

[wadesdad]

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in: "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said: "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." ..... "Hi, George what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. "The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated: This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1.00 Knowing where to put it: $49,999.00.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said he liked both because if you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[CobraDan]

A local priest and a minister stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'?"

[bonyhadi]

Click here: Dazzling Dick & Jazzy George


http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2002/...ickgeorge.html

Penis Song http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/PenisSong8.swf

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of
this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute, who
are you supposed to be?"

We're Jack and Jill," they reply.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a short while later they come back dressed
differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door.

Well now, you're just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel", says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel
because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later, the man hears the bell
ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two
children but this time they are BUCK Naked.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!!", he asks.

"Chocolate M&M'S, says the little girl, "I'm plain, he got nuts
==================================================
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."

Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and replies -
"How do you give shoulders?"
========================
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night
the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and
says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night."

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains
out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore
that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished."
=====================================

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: ANTHRAX


CHICAGO (AP) -- Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two
hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance
on the practice field. Head coach Dick Jauron immediately suspended practice
while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided
the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[Hotfingrs]

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first
one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a
pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he
too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then
asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says,
"I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and
says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and
a blood light?

[Hotfingrs]

Chicken story


Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to
fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that
didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an
awful
lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too,
only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate. Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his
bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered
him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize; he was also
given the - -

(are you sure you're ready for this - - - absolutely sure?? Well, O.K.
Keep going )


Pulletsurprise

[Hotfingrs]

> > > > A Quiz For People Who Know Everything --
> > (answers at the end)
> > > >
> > > > (1) There's one "sport" in which neither the
> > spectators nor the
> > > > participants know the score or the leader until
> > the contest ends.
> > > > What is it?
> > > >
> > > > (2) What famous North American landmark is
> > constantly moving
> > > > backward?
> > > >
> > > > (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to
> > produce on their own for
> > > > several growing seasons. All other vegetables
> > must be replanted
> > > > every year. What are the only two perennial
> > vegetables?
> > > >
> > > > (4) Name the only sport in which the ball is
> > always in possession
> > > > of the team on defense, and the offensive team
> > can score without
> > > > touching the ball?
> > > >
> > > > (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
> > > >
> > > > (6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear
> > brandy, with a real pear
> > > > inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe,
> > and the bottle is
> > > > genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did
> > the pear get inside
> > > > the bottle?
> > > >
> > > > (7) Only three words in standard English begin
> > with the letters "dw."
> > > > They are all common. Name two of them.
> > > >
> > > > (8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in
> > English grammar. Can
> > > > you name half of them?
> > > >
> > > > (9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in
> > the "Los Angeles
> > > > Lakers?"
> > > >
> > > > (10) There are seven ways a baseball player can
> > legally reach first
> > > > base without getting a hit. Taking a base on
> > balls-a walk-is one
> > > > way. Name the other six.
> > > >
> > > > (11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is
> > never sold frozen, canned,
> > > > processed, cooked, or in any other form but
> > fresh. What is it?
> > > >
> > > > (12) Name six or more things that you can wear
> > on your feet that
> > > > begin with the letter "S."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > --> Scroll down for the answers. Don't cheat!
> > <--
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "Answers To Quiz"
> > > >
> > > > 1. Boxing.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two
> > and a half feet
> > > > each year because of the millions of gallons of
> > water that rush over
> > > > it every minute.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Baseball.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Strawberry.
> > > >
> > > > 6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles
> > are placed over pear
> > > > buds when they are small, and are wired in place
> > on the tree. The
> > > > bottle is left in place for the whole growing
> > season. When the pears
> > > > are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
> > > >
> > > > 7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
> > > >
> > > > 8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash,
> > hyphen, apostrophe,
> > > > question mark, exclamation point, quotation
> > marks, brackets,
> > > > parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
> > > >
> > > > 9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known
> > as the Minneapolis
> > > > Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
> > > >
> > > > 10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
> > interference; catcher
> > > > drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being
> > designated as a pinch
> > > > runner.
> > > >
> > > > 11. Lettuce.
> > > >
> > > > 12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
> > skis, snowshoes,
> > > > stockings.
> > > >
> > > > ...Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?
>

[CobraDan]

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

[bonyhadi]

There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
the theme of the party was war.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says,
"I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically.
When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his
fuse was?"
================================================== ===========
Where do Halloween ghosts store their costumes during the rest of the
year?
In the sheet house!

What's a monster's favorite bean?
A human bean.

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
===============================
Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
========================================
Halloween Terms

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your
throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your
fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.
Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing
each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee
==================================
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure
of what costume to wear.
His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party.

She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked
except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
penis.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull a few
times, and I come."
====================================
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees.
Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "BECAUSE I FxxKING DIDN'T !!"
===========================================
HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T!

She's a goblin!

I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

You scared me stiff!

He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
===========================================
Top ten signs that you're too old to trick or treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
=======================================
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
==================================================
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood!!

Is it true that witches are afraid of dead bodies?
Of corpse it is!

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to uses them later for cold cuts!

Why did the Witch cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off! Booo!

What is a ghost's favorite ride at the midway?
A roller ghoster!
================================================== ========
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a Jack-o-lantern.
=================================
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
==========================

Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"

[bonyhadi]

Now: "Depends"
===================================

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue,
Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
=========================================

[CobraDan]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked
the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a
flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for
me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people
and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it . all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to
answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
tell her."

[CobraDan]

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the Campaign Trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the former Vice President, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."
"What is that message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

[CobraDan]

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.

[bonyhadi]

"Bald Head Jokes"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from
a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws
the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before
being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what
the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands
him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave
the parrot's head.

That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and
screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner
ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and
in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot
they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment
he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in
the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's
side to the right"

Then two bald guys walk in and he says, "All right, you two
turkey ****ers up here on the piano with me."
===================================-

Random thought:
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
===================================
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald...

1. People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I
get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the
bald part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line
disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and
combing them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first
thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and
it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a
member.
====================================
Q: Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!
=======================
If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ... they try harder.
================================================
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan
is sitting between them. The first Texan says,
" My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle
and they call my place The Jolly Roger"

The second Texan says, ' My name is John.
I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place
Big Johns'.

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ' My name is Irving
and I own 300 acres ' .
Roger looks down at him and say, ' 300 Acres ? What do you raise ? '
'Notink' Irving says.
Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John.
'Downtown Dallas.'
====================================
I'M BUSIER THAN ...

... Michael Jackson in a day care center
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-****ed fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a GOP victory party organizer
... a monkey trying to **** a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin
================================
Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween. He knocks on the
door of a house and a lady answers. She says, "Well, well little boy,
what are you supposed to be?"

Little Johnny says, "I am a pirate."

She says, "Well--where are your buccaneers?"

"Right here under my bucken hat," replies Little Johnny
===========================================
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were
away the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that
nights dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring
the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the
cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
==============================================
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one
of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of
the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest,
"Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy

has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he
just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5
bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says,
"Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says,
"that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the
word means?".
"Yes," says the kid, " a tight **** "
============================================
I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say "I'M STUPID."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, . . ."Excuse me...oops, nevermind-I didn't see your
sign."
=======================================
A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told
him he owed 4 dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender
couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then
rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled
the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for
it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told
him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when,
suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is
going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron
responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
==================================================
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.
Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to
New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to
the psychiatrist and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their
friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can
barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."
========================
IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN
LET'S ALL GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.









protect freedom, remeber to vote on Tuesday

[bonyhadi]

=======================================
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was
perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN SWEDEN) he got in his
car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good
paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN CHILE) and turned on
his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.
====================================
TEN WAYS TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO TRICK OR TREATING.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
===================================
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOR...

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named
Tahiti Sweetie."

"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room
back here."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
================================
Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."
==================================
A tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and
start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel.

While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soooo sorry!"

"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"

A nun's asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, "What the hell?"

The nun looked at it for a bit, and as he was about to put it away, she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down hispants.

The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls
(SQUEEZE) again!"
=======================================
WISDOM FROM GRANDPA

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the
internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed
grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to
reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him,
and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when
he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused,
looked me in the eye and said,
. . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands.
It makes your pecker look smaller."
======================================












protect freedom, vote on Tuesday!