Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did really poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester."

[CobraDan]

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATIONS LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

[Excaliber]

Hey,,,,Nikkes has a new shoe for Lesbians,,,,it's called "Dikkes". They were re-called shortly after introduction,,,,,,the tongue was to short.

Ernie

[CobraDan]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: and came up with the following.
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good -- maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

[CobraDan]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.

[CobraDan]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding
gifts."

[GASKETBOY]

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington,
D.C.
Travel Agent of 30+ years:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is
in Africa." Her response ... (click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did.I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could
rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had
only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a
car,he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive
between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into
Chicago at
8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight, I
think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while
I
"looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the
city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just
putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes
have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have
to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant
fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times
and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough,
his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from
Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,
the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you
have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back
with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of
the
state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

[CobraDan]

21. How I Served My Country by Jane Fonda
20. My Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
19. How to Build Your Own Airplane by John Denver
18. My Super Bowl Highlights by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
16. My Little Book of Personal Hygiene by Osama Bin Laden
15. Things I Cannot Afford by Bill Gates
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
13. My Wild Years by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit - a Travel Guide
9. A Collection of Motivational Speeches by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All the Men I've Loved Before by Ellen de Generes
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book...
1. My Book of Morals by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[CobraDan]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew!
What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

[CobraDan]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

[CobraDan]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainlyis!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[CobraDan]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I
used some horrible language this week and feel
absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the
elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it
struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 10 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel
ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth
and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior
again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel
was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly >
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away
in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel
dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming
impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over
the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped
about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother
Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

[CobraDan]

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too

far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

[Art Burtt]

A salesman went to a convention in a new town. He checked in early and asked the desk clerk for directions to the closest golf course.
While playing on the front nine he was rehersing his presentation
and became confused as to which hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him and asked her if she knew which hole he was playing.
She replied I'm on the 7th and you are a hole behind me so you're
on the sixth. he said thanks and continued his game.
On the back nine the same thing happened so he asked her again and she repiled I'm on the 14th so you must be on the 13th
hole behind me the 13th.
He finished his game and went to the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. he asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender replied,she's a slaes lady and plays this course quite often.
He approached her and said let me buy you a drink in appreciation for you're help.I understand you are in the sales profession.I'm in sales too. What do you sell?
She said if I told you you'd only laugh. No,I wouldn't he said.
Well, I sell Tampax! With that the guy fell off the bar stool laughing. She said see I told you you'd laugh. That's not what I'm laughing at. You see I sell toilet paper,so I'm still a hole behind you!

[Oldtimer]

Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar
but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle
box and pulled out a
12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant
me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And
the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying overhead is heard!

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not
Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do
yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

[speed220mph]

The Joke's On Us:

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

On the lighter side . . .

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Edley Rondinone]

1. Big old Bob was sitting at the bar, nursing his JD and Coke, when a bedraggled, old hooker sidles up to the barstool next to him. In a coarse, low voice, she says "For $100, I'll do whatever three words you want me to do." After a few moments, old Bob leaned over to the hooker and whispers in her ear, "Paint my House"!! 2. The blonde had lost her job. She was hurting for money, and since she lived in the countryside, there were not a lot of opportunities to make any cash. So she went to her new neighbor about a mile up the road, and asked him if he had any projects for her to do, so she could earn some cash. He said "Sure, you can paint my porch. The paint and brushes are in the garage". The blonde says "OK". About two hours later, she knocks on the man's door. He answers, and she tells him she is finished, and that it was a COBRA, not a PORSCHE!!

[CobraDan]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[CobraDan]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his
head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

[CobraDan]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said "My hands
are freezing cold. The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He
said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said,"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she asked, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned, the mother said,"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replied, "They sure make a mess when they defrost, don't they?"