Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room.
In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform.
He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe.
When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

[CobraDan]

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good- looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my God," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his aparment.
Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?" "Wear an old dress."

[Dwight]

One day God called Adam to come forth and he told Adam, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news I've given you two heads; the bad new is I've only given you enough blood to run one of them at a time."

[Dwight]

[CobraDan]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today.
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

[CobraDan]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know
that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's
house...............

AND he left it there all night.

[Hotfingrs]

Helpful Hint #1
> >If you are choking on an ice cube...don't panic...Simply pour a jug of
> >boiling water down your throat and presto!...The blockage is almost
> >instantly removed...
> >Helpful Hint #2
> >Clumsy?...Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> >someone else to hold them while you chop away...
> >Helpful Hint #3
> >Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms...just buy an ordinary one and slip a
> >handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on...
> >Helpful Hint #4
> >Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> >fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner...
> >Helpful Hint #5
> >An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
> >inexpensive vibrator... (and what a gift to give for "the one who has
> >everything!)
> >Helpful Hint #6
> >Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> >p***ing in the sink...
> >Helpful Hint #7
> >High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> >while...thus reducing the pressure in your veins...
> >Helpful Hint #8
> >A mouse trap...placed on top on of your alarm clock...will prevent you from
> >rolling over and going back to sleep...
> >Helpful Hint #9
> >If you have a bad cough...take a large dose of laxatives...then you will be
> >afraid to cough...
> >Helpful hint #10
> >Have a bad tooth ache?...hit your thumb with a hammer...then you will
> >forget about the toothache...
> >

[Hotfingrs]

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ...
feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no

gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.

In addition, forget about the gifts exchange--no gifts will be allowed

since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from

the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red
suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this

party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not. You can just
sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you

know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me?

The Woman from Hell


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

[NeedAntiVenom]

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter!

When confronted,he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist."

[CobraDan]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''

[turnpike boy]

A lawyer is driving down the road one day in his chauffered limosine. He comes upon a small, disheveled house and notices a man in rags eating the grass in front of the house. The lawyer calls out to the chauffeur to stop. He rolls the window down and asks the man why he's eating the grass. The man replies "It is because I am so poor that I cannot afford any food". The lawyer then says "That's awful - get in the car and come with me to my house." The man then says "But I have a wife and 3 small children who are hungry too", whereupon the lawyer says "By all means, bring them too." So the man rounds up the family, they get into the lawyers limosine, and head off to his house. The man says "Thank you so much, sir, I was becoming desperate". The lawyer responds "Not a problem, you'll love it at my place, the grass must be at least a foot high by now".

[CobraDan]

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan where he is known as 'Annual Gift Man') religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times he normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!

[Art Burtt]

Cobra Dan,

Oh yeah!!! Bet you didn't get many Christmas presents. Typical
engineer!!! I am preparing my rebuttal.

AB Sales Dept.

[Bob Putnam]

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're
on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.
instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson
Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary
procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary
Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William
Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with Power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Merry Christmas!

[CobraDan]

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

[CobraDan]

There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research.
By 2020, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and erections
and no recollection of what to do with them.

[Art Burtt]

Boo

[CobraDan]

Becky bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any real special birthday cards?" she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a brand new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."
"Wow, real kewl !!" Becky squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

[CobraDan]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now, why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[CobraDan]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind