Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke, it's a BBQ......



Hmmmmm......I wonder how........



Oh....and here's a BBQ bra......I'd say, very efficient!

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Hmmmmm......I wonder how........

This is how..................

snopes.com: Ferrari, Ford F-150 Accident

[cobra de capell]

Thanks for the link - interesting.....
______

Story of My Life.

When I was 14:
I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16:
I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college:
I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25:
I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28:
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.

When I turned 31,
I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[cobra de capell]

A man asks a lawyer, "What are your rates?"
Lawyer: $1000 for 3 questions
Man: Isn't that a bit expensive?
Lawyer: Yes it is. What's your third question?

[cobra de capell]

School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.

2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents;
siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[cobra de capell]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
_____

Special Classes for Men





1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.


7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

[cobra de capell]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office in Mississippi, trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW”, the social worker exclaims, “Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they are all Mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, “Sit down Leroy.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well”, says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.”

“'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leigh Roy”.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, “Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?”

Their momma replied, “Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?”

“Then I call them by their last names.”

[cobra de capell]

Q: What do you give an elephant suffering from diarrhea?

A: Lots of room.

[cobra de capell]

A certain (clueless) husband was out in the back yard one Saturday cleaning his charcoal grill. His wife happened to bend over to pick some weeds just as he glanced up.

He exclaimed loudly: "Dang hon! Your butt's as big across as my old Webber grill here!" His wife was angry, but said nothing. A few moments later she bent over to pick another weed and hubby repeated the comment. Thoroughly annoyed, she went inside to watch TV.

Later that night they cuddled in bed, and hubby, having forgotten completely about his earlier faux pas, asked if she might be "in the mood".

She stared him coldly in the eye and replied: "If you think I'm going to fire up my big Webber grill for your sad little wiener, you are sadly mistaken!"

[cobra de capell]

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old....

Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there!.”’
_____

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[cobra de capell]

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved".
_____

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
_____

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
_____

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the- art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast...Can I buy you a drink?!"

[cobra de capell]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

[tfalk]

They finally revealed the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

[cobra de capell]

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
_____

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
_____

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
______

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
_____

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE . . ...

He said .. .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early"

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking
it really scared me, so that's it!

No more reading!
___

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.'

Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring.........

7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Mellanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

[cobra de capell]

EBONICS

Jerry is an 18 year old sixth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Los Angeles Public school system.
One day Jerry got an easy assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.
This is what Jerry did.

1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend de crabs and de HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told me, if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they are gonna sent me back to the big house.

4. FORECLOSE: If I pay aliomony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.

5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, sombody give de CATACOMB.

6. PENIS: I went to a doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

7. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sellme a Rolex, I said; Man that looks fake. He said; No, ISREAL.

8. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' Hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

9. TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra but I couldn't find a TRIPOLI.

10. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me, if I was STAIN for dinner.

11. ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

12. HORDE: My sister got in trouble because she HORDE around school.

13. INCOME: I just got in bed with this hoe and INCOME my wife.

14. HONOR: At the rape trail, they axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.

15. FORTIFY: I axed de hoe how much? and she said FORTIFY.

16. BEFORE: 2 plus 2 BEFORE.

[Ron61]

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in
rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
my client?'
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Louisana State Police do a very similar thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happened to my father-in-law for a seat belt violation!!!!!!!!!!

David