Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

Out shopping with her husband, a wife spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says, "No chance love, they`re way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.
She turns to him and says, "I don`t think so mate. If you`re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren`t riding it. "
______

Just is case....

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

[bliss]

Southerner's.....

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We talk to
everybody!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"
and go your own way.

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't
from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless ya'll hearts and ya'll have a blessed day.