Jokes

[bliss]

A Scene at the City Hall in San Francisco....

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.""Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!""Incest?"

No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?""We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.""Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?" "David Deets.""And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

[SMOKNAC]

I hope you like some of these.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”, I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to: “screw the people”?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is Salad!

[bliss]

[SMOKNAC]

Don't you find it amusing how one's thoughts and philosophies change as we get a little older?

Here is what one of the many many coffee klatch's came up with recently. How do they compare to your thoughts?
A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I’m not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed!

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning.”

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[bliss]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me
that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her
Breast. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear
any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."
_____

My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. She's right: I'm looking for the mute button.
_____

I nearly invested money in the Egyptian tourism industry, until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.
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I'm not allowed on cruise ships anymore. It all started with that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding.
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Women say that men have it easy because we've never experienced childbirth. How the hell do they think we got here?
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up.

You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the s%^tstorm."
_____

[bliss]

I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em.

When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Hope that was helpful.
_____

Just remember:

Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
_____

You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
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I was diagnosed with anti-social behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

[bliss]

An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem.

The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.

The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"

The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go." The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"

The husband replies "He says he knows you."
_____

Meanwhile, in several States.....

Nothing illegal going on here....