Jokes

[bliss]

A four year old came home from Sunday School one day, His Dad asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The Mom cracked up and told the son, "Yes, my dear Actually the word is circumcised... but either way, the answer is Yes!
_____

Child: "Am I descended from a monkey?

Mother: "I don't know. I never met your father's family."
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What is the ideal weight for a Mother in law?

About 2.3lbs, including the urn.
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[bliss]

Professional stunt cat....



Knock, knock....

[bliss]

Quickies.....

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

I threw a boomerang a couple of years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It is a shame that they will never meet.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about it.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I'm OK.
______

Meanings:

Mirage a Trois - act of having sex with two imaginary people.

Dijon Vu - the feeling you've tasted this mustard before.

Bone Voyage - an archaelogical trip.

Haste Cuisine - French fast food.

Et Tu Brute - I like your aftershave.

Posh Mortem - death styles of the rich and famous.

Ad Hoc - pawn shop advertisement.

Latte: Latin for "you paid too much for that coffee."

Cogito Ergo Spud - I think therefore I yam.

Zit alors! - my God, what a pimple.

[bliss]

My goal for 2016 is to lose just 10 pounds. Only got 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really, just one big,
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, FINE, it was a
pizza!

How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking face first into a spider
web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20
minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they
closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....
Hmmmmm, I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so
I woke up and searched with him.
_____

[bliss]

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says: "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says: "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
_____

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."
_____

3 friends golf every Friday.

One day they get paired with a beautiful beautiful woman.

On the 18th hole the woman is on the green waiting to putt. She turns to the group of men and says "If I sink this 25 foot putt I will shoot under par for the first time ever. Whoever helps me will be awarded with a night of crazy wild sex."

The first guy says "aim it left a foot outside the hole"
The second guy says "No, no, it is definitely a little right of the hole"

Everyone looks at the third guy. He walks behind the ball, looks at the hole, and finally says "That's a gimme" and picks up the ball.
_____

The new Marine Corps....

[bliss]

Doctor: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

Old lady: "Yes, hundreds of times....................and I've been had over a kitchen table a few times too."
_____

I know I'm getting old.

Nowadays, when I squeeze into a tight parking space, I'm sexually satisfied for the day.
_____

I'm at that age where I want two women in bed. That way, when I fall asleep, they'll have someone to talk to.
_____

Everything's finally starting to click for me...

my knees, my elbows, my neck, my ankles.............
_____

[bliss]

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her "Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she answers "Yes!"
The man then asks "What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
_____

The first part of my marriage was very happy.

Then, on the way back from the ceremony...............................
_____

Fred: "I'm a man of few words."
Bob: "I'm married too."
_____

What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering around the backyard? She reloaded.
_____

I've just been given two weeks to live.

My wife and her lady friend left for vacation today.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

SAFE AT LAST!!!

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on ebay any more) tossed the "Don't Tread On Me" flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I gave the pit bull to my mother in law and stored my A K.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

Instead of all that silly stuff I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family. When we shop or travel everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot Damn - Safe at last - Is America getting greater every day or what?