Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

Don't you find it amusing how one's thoughts and philosophies change as we get a little older?

Here is what one of the many many coffee klatch's came up with recently. How do they compare to your thoughts?
A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I’m not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed!

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning.”

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[bliss]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me
that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her
Breast. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear
any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."
_____

My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. She's right: I'm looking for the mute button.
_____

I nearly invested money in the Egyptian tourism industry, until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.
_____

I'm not allowed on cruise ships anymore. It all started with that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding.
_____

Women say that men have it easy because we've never experienced childbirth. How the hell do they think we got here?
_____

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up.

You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the s%^tstorm."
_____

[bliss]

I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em.

When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Hope that was helpful.
_____

Just remember:

Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
_____

You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
_____

I was diagnosed with anti-social behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

[bliss]

An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem.

The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.

The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"

The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go." The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"

The husband replies "He says he knows you."
_____

Meanwhile, in several States.....

Nothing illegal going on here....