The POOL ROOM

[Legless]

Why do American women love Kiwi sailors?

Because they stay on top for two weeks and still don’t come first.

[Bod]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.

[letsboogie351]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

.................................................. .................................................. ...............

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
.................................................. .................................................. ....................

And one to ponder

[OnyxRider]

You mates are awful funny! I was going to say something about the Americas Cup but better not.

[Donunder]

Originally Posted by OnyxRider

You mates are awful funny! I was going to say something about the Americas Cup but better not.

OK you've had enough fun since 1982.
It's about time we took all our Aussie yachtsmen off the US and NZ boats and mounted our own campaign.
When it's time for the next challenge, remember the name Oatley. Think Wild Oats....
Aussie money, Aussie design genius, Aussie boat, Aussie crew...
Pick a shape, pick a date, pick a place -- we're coming after you!

[OnyxRider]

Originally Posted by Donunder

OK you've had enough fun since 1982.
It's about time we took all our Aussie yachtsmen off the US and NZ boats and mounted our own campaign.
When it's time for the next challenge, remember the name Oatley. Think Wild Oats....
Aussie money, Aussie design genius, Aussie boat, Aussie crew...
Pick a shape, pick a date, pick a place -- we're coming after you!

I don't follow the series like some do, but all the money being put into the whole lot is getting a bit crazy.

[letsboogie351]

I mowed the lawn today and, after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.



My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said that instead of saying, "Just thinking" is because she would have said, "About what?".
At that point, I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to, yet, other questions from her - interrupting my deep thinking.


Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question: getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. And, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.



Time for another beer.

[boxhead]

[Rog246]

jEEZ DAVE ............so much could be said here !!

Like ' what sh#t came up with that idea!'
maybe....'which arsehole thought of that ?'
or maybe ' Is that really a kids game?'

[petrolhead]

Originally Posted by Rog246

jEEZ DAVE ............so much could be said here !!

Like ' what sh#t came up with that idea!'
maybe....'which arsehole thought of that ?' or maybe ' Is that really a kids game?'

Michael Jackson? Sorry just couldn't resist

[Rog246]

Originally Posted by petrolhead

Michael Jackson? Sorry just couldn't resist

Michael Jackson !??!........wouldn't that hole be a bit big for what he was used to ?

[Rog246]

A good looking fella is going to a business meeting in the biggest building in town. He gets into the lift on the way to the top when a stunningly beautiful vision joins him.
The lift has gone up a few floors, when he turns to the woman and says " Can I smell your Pus*y?"
She gives him the once over and after a few seconds belts him one !
He sees star for a second or 2, recovers his composure and says " I'll take that for a NO!"

He pauses for a moment, looks her in the eye and says " Well it must be your Feet then !"

[Chook]

That guy needs a hand

[Bod]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1. You have to be single and

2. You must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Trevor and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[OnyxRider]

Originally Posted by Chook

That guy needs a hand

Yeah but did you see that tube of stuff that you need to squeeze in first to make it a realistic experience.

[Lexluther]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I relly sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

[letsboogie351]

Hand Jobs

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[letsboogie351]

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters.

He didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

[Rog246]

CROW KILLS



Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found

over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there

was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird

Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to

everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT

Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.



However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying

colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By

analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the

crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were

killed by an impact with a car.



MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if

there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck

kills versus car kills.



The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a

nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that

while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one

could shout "Truck."

[tomcat racing]

Hope this one turns out to be a joke,

Tropical cyclone DYLAN is going to cross the coast just north of us about 4am friday morning,

Been riding out strong winds and 16ins of rain over the last couple of days

There was a meter high storm surge on top of high tide this morning

Already had a blackout and had to fire up the backup generator

Its pretty wet around here, and i think its going to be a long night.