The POOL ROOM

[letsboogie351]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bull****ting me, right?
......You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

[Azzy83]

Keep the jokes coming.....

[Rog246]

How do you catch a gay mouse
.
.
.
.
.
.
.with a Poofy Cat

[letsboogie351]

Profound Thought!



Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

[Rog246]

A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from
the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Rog246]

golf & fishing,the jokes will just keep coming.

[letsboogie351]

Sensitivity


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.

The pre natal class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together
It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries my golf clubs while we walk?

[trularin]

I see this thread has all of the makings of...( place acceptable set of Ausie words here ).

LOL

Hi guys!!!

Tru

[Rog246]

Errr acceptable AuSSie words Tru !?
Care to give us a few examples please ?

My best guess is the moderator won't allow too many into print !! LOL

[letsboogie351]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine,
beer on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in and immediately says:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
Confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!”

[letsboogie351]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C, "he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

[letsboogie351]

I have given some thought to an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question: getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. And, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.



Time for another beer.

[Rog246]

And your Nuts too, by the sound of it Dougie !! LOL

[Baz]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!

[deano59]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[deano59]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[letsboogie351]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


Two businessmen in Mackay were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "what
are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well...
Only two left".

[tomcat racing]

Originally Posted by letsboogie351

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


Two businessmen in Mackay were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "what
are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well...
Only two left".

Plenty of arse-holes in Mackay, and that lady was probably my mother in law.

[Rog246]

Them Maroons know how to play footy eh

[letsboogie351]

Rog, I wouldn't go as far as calling it footy!
But the now Melbourne boys did a good job for you. For a moment I thought I had tuned into a Storm game