Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it,................ never saw her once,

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

bitter sweet day
 

wrong thread

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

scored a ripper roll cab today I was in a friends workshop when a sales rep came in with a couple of these at the right price so I grabbed one for the shed I can finally put all my stuff in the one place . I reckon I will need a forklift tow tow it around the shed .

I just noticed my shed ***** buddy had photo bombed the shot

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer

negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from

$250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer the negligee, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks, 'I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll

do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they’d at least iron it!'

PILLOW TALK:


"Oh I say Queenie, isn't it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?"
"Oh yes rather Philly. Isn't he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?"
"Oh yes Queenie - it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return."
"I know Philly - we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose."
"A jolly capital idea Queenie - we can dub him 'Sir Pository'."
"Oh that is super Philly - I am slightly amused."

(letter to the Guardian)

PILLOW TALK:


"Oh I say Queenie, isn't it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?"
"Oh yes rather Philly. Isn't he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?"
"Oh yes Queenie - it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return."
"I know Philly - we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose."
"A jolly capital idea Queenie - we can dub him 'Sir Pository'."
"Oh that is super Philly

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide
the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got TEN times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might
start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.






Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I've always liked this parable. It's been around since 2001, the dawn of the Internet. ;-)

For those unsure... (*like me)
A parable is a succinct, didactic story, in prose or verse, which illustrates one or more instructive lessons or principles. It differs from a fable in that fables employ animals, plants, inanimate objects, or forces of nature as characters, whereas parables have human characters. A parable is a type of analogy.




Parable - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable

Yawn.....a what?? :)

Good News...Bad News
 

Lawyer :( to wealthy art collector tycoon) "I have some good news and I have some bad news”

Tycoon : "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

Lawyer : “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

Tycoon :( enthusiastically) “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

Lawyer : “The pictures are of you shagging your secretary”.


:D

Daniel Ricciardo Top Gear track
 

Good to see Daniel Ricciardo is still winning.
Mark couldn't quite knock off Lewis but, Dan did.

http://youtu.be/KOs2SAkVbp4

Fifty Shades Of Grey Now for the Boys !
 

: :LOL:


The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...


Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning's.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”


“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.


“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You have fat ankles and no dress sense.”


“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.

“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.


“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, so I left the toilet seat up.

anyone else have trouble logging onto the site for the last 24 hours ? os is it just my ****ty pc lol.
cheers dean

Yea, it does that sometimes...

I use Down For Everyone Or Just Me -> Check if your website is down or up?
where you can change the website to whatever you want to check if it's them or you.

Small tribute
 

Hi All
I just want to make a small tribute to our Uncle Bert who turns 100 on Thursday.

He survived attempted murder as an infant, the great depression, wwII, 3 years in Changi as a POW under the Japanese, he worked as a fitter and turner after the war and in retirement, self taught himself to repair clock for a living.
He takes NO medication....

He has lived with us for the last 10 years. Looks after our vegie patch and the herbs. Does not talk much, but get half a glass of red wine into him and he comes up with some ripper stories. (how true they are we don't know)
We love having him around and the way he is going he will probably out live us.


He has experienced some amazing progress and changes through out his life!!

Just think he was in his 40s when the first Cobra hit the streets..

Happy Birthday Bert

The party will be a hooot!!! :)

Photo was taken about 3 weeks ago

[IMG]http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h2...psgqoxrxki.jpg[/IMG]

100 and not out is a bloody good effort and kudos to you and your family for looking after him .ya better give a full glass at his party and I bet a few stories not yet told may happen lol .

Go you good thing Uncle Bert. Great to see someone who is still active & enjoying life.

Happy Birthday Legend !!!