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Baz 08-27-2013 04:41 PM

A Guide to the 2013 Federal Elections
 
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he brought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency reports simply by just listening to the bells.

Fred’s favourite rooster, old 8utch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all. He went to investigate and saw that the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Baz

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the 'Ekka' which is the Royal Queensland Show and he became an overnight sensation with the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’, but also the ‘Pulletsurprise’ as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they aren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully this coming election; the bells are not always audible.

Rog246 08-28-2013 12:44 AM

Yeah, and lets hope the yolk is NOT on us !!;)

Rob. Smith 08-29-2013 05:26 AM

Tell me about the AMEP ! not much info on their site yet.

Rog246 08-31-2013 02:52 PM

Little Johnny
 
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had f##k all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got f##k all for breakfast'.

letsboogie351 09-02-2013 03:20 PM

When I came home from golfing today, the wife had left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother.

I can't take it anymore .

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?


Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
------------------------------------
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

Bod 09-03-2013 11:56 PM

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How longbefore I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do mea favour , follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

boxhead 09-05-2013 03:28 PM

Had dinner in town with one of you Vic mob last night.

Enjoy your holiday Doug.

Rog246 09-06-2013 02:32 AM

Voting tomorrow
 
When you all vote tomorrow just remember what Mark Twain said :eek:

Vote early..........and vote often !

and remember if you start voting at one end of your electorate, you can generally get to each polling station by about 1.30pm :D %/

Rog246 09-07-2013 03:11 PM

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time - and ask her explain that to you."

Legless 09-11-2013 03:21 PM

John Cleese on terror alert levels.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

Baz 09-12-2013 09:24 PM

Indigestion
 
This guy has been taking the same girl out for years. At the end of each date, he puts the hard word on her, but always receives a negative response with the same reply along the lines of:- "Not tonight. I've got indigestion."

After about 12 months of this, he is starting to become quite frustrated. He informs her that if she doesn't come across after their date next Saturday night, their relationship is over.

The girl friend goes home, quite upset. She loves him, but doesn't want him to discover that she's not a virgin so she seeks advice from her mother. Mum tells the daughter that a similar situation occurred during her courting life. To trick the then boyfriend into thinking she was a virgin, she popped a lettuce leaf into the old davey crocket. The boyfriend subsequently thought that he had de-flowered a virgin and they lived happily ever after.

The daughter thought this was great idea, so the following Saturday night, armed with her lettuce leafed prize, she consented to the consummation. When they had finished, the boyfriend looked down at the old fella and was really surprised to see the lettuce leaf hanging off the end. He then said to his girl friend, "No wonder you've had indigestion for all these years. You don't chew your food properly!"

letsboogie351 09-12-2013 10:16 PM

central australia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by boxhead (Post 1261039)
Had dinner in town with one of you Vic mob last night.

Enjoy your holiday Doug.

Dave
the pleasure was all ours!
After seeing your shed I am truly envious. Maybe I should become Mayor and change my council regs re buildings!!!

Mate we truly loved what we saw in central Aus. The boss is currently making plans for a return

thanks
Doug

Bod 09-15-2013 11:38 PM

What next?

A new phenomenon called

E-MOONING

















We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Well, how about some 'ARSEICONS ?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse


(__!__) a fat arse


(!) a tight arse


(_*_) an arse hole


{_!_} a swishy arse


(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse


(_X_) leave my arse alone


(_zzz_) a tired arse


(_E=mc2_) a smart arse


(_$_) Money coming out of his arse


(_?_) Dumb Arse

letsboogie351 09-18-2013 11:09 PM

While I was driving down the highway the other day,

(going a little faster than I should have been)

I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Baz 09-27-2013 07:45 PM

Quiz
 
What has twin 32 litre (1,959 c.i.) turbocharged V12's each cranking out 1,550 HP with 6,726 Nm of torque (4,961lb-ft) and revs to a maximum of 2,300 rpm.

At a constant 40 mph it averages 2 m.p.g. The fuel tank holds 7,000 litres and costs over $11,000 to fill up. At a constant 40 mph, that 7,000 litres will be gone in 3 hours and you would have travelled only 160 miles.

A good friend of mine has just purchased this 41 tonne 20 metre Bertram 630 for $2.5 million. What a machine.

http://www.clubcobra.com/photopost/d...rtram_630.jpeg

http://www.clubcobra.com/photopost/d...630_Small_.jpg

d488y2 10-05-2013 03:46 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=yLjGuZ8k5OM
Vin Diesel Can't Drive

Legless 10-07-2013 07:47 PM

Why do American women love Kiwi sailors?

Because they stay on top for two weeks and still don’t come first.

Bod 10-07-2013 08:57 PM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.

letsboogie351 10-08-2013 04:54 AM

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

.................................................. .................................................. ...............

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
.................................................. .................................................. ....................

And one to ponder


http://i855.photobucket.com/albums/a...ps338f06aa.jpg

OnyxRider 10-08-2013 08:49 AM

You mates are awful funny! I was going to say something about the Americas Cup but better not.


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