Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A 70 YEAR OLD MAN WAS FISHING AND AS HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT, HE HEARD A
VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANYONE.

HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP." HE
LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG.

THE MAN SAID "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll
TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE
MOST WONDERFUL
SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN
REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST
POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID
KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D
RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG.

[rdorman]

...the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

[bonyhadi]

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s' and much admired for her sweetness
& kindness to all.


One afternoon early in spring a priest came to see her to chat and so
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have
a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the
young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled
with water and in it a condom. Imagine how shocked and surprised he was.
Imagine his curosity.!! Surely, he thought Sister Mary had flipped or
something.


When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. Of course,
the priest tried to stifle his curosity about the bowl of water and the
strange floater in it., but it soon got the better of him and he could
resist no longer.


"Sister," he said ," I wonder if you could tell me about this?" pointing
to the crystal bowl.
"Oh yes" she replied isn't it wonderful?" I was walking downtown one
day last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you
know I haven't had a cold all winter."









Here is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to* his
congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money
to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your
pockets. : )
--------------------------------------------------------

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of
the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the
carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and
grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
--------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we
know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
boy. "Really?* How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does
art in Heaven... "
--------------------------------------------------------

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday
weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young
man, sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean; same in my business."

--------------------------------------------------------

People want the front of the bus, back of the church & center of attention.
-------------------------------------------------------

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws

trying to enforce 10 commandments.
--------------------------------------------------------

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world, there are
those who wake up in the morning and say
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."
--------------------------------------------------------

A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a
citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
--------------------------------------------------------

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the
Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the
Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, what does
the Bible mean?" "Daddy, It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth







STUNNING NEW PROOF: NASA NEVER WENT TO THE MOON!

What astronautical idiots! The shadows were all wrong, and
even reflections in the helmets, when magnified, show a dude
with a Nikon wearing street clothes taking a snap!
Old people should demand a tax refund from 1969!
******** http://www.dc8p.com/html/moonhoax.html
I'm MORE than
unconvinced!

[bonyhadi]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring Kingdom. The monarch could
have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise
men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be
high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to
answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made
obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice
compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And
so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone
very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But
what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked
what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch,
she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his
friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous
witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? (What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.)

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she
would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.






New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one
or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all
variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple
black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. These are awesome... enjoy.


Tell the kids I love them.
-God


Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God


C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God


What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God


We need to talk.
-God


Keep using my name in vain,
I'll make rush hour longer.
-God


Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God


That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God


I love you and you
and you and you and...
-God


Will the road you're on
get you to my place?
-God


Follow me.
-God


Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God


My way is the highway.
-God


Need directions?
-God


You think it's hot here?
-God


Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea
where you're going?
-God


(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there.
-God










Things my mother never told me...

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Duct tape is like the force -- there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.



There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the Iowa license plates?









There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here
is a harp that, when you push this button here,
will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time
in heaven."


Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his
face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green
cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud
with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of
celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to
the Pearly Gates.


He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and
I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman
to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son "












Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig,

the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old

wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna

huff and puff, and blow your house down."

And he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up

and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house

down!"

And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew
down our houses and we're scared!"

So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them

and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the

stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the

phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a

sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came

two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.

They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the **** out of him. Then they got back into
their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf
bleeding on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the

Guinea Pigs."

[bonyhadi]

The following ad appeared in the local daily...

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
* I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your 4x4,
hunting, camping, fishing trips, braais, and cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
* Kiss me and I'm yours.
* Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Lady Jane."


Over 250 men found themselves talking to the SPCA about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.....









Subject: Diet Coke or Not? - Important!!!!!
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 22:28:31 EDT



<< Subject: DIET COKE OR NOT?
Diet Coke or Not??

In October of 2001, my sister started getting very sick, she had stomach
spasms, she was having a hard time getting around, to walk was a major
chore. It took everything she had just to get out of bed, she was in so
much pain. By March 2002, she had undergone biopsies, and was on 24
various prescription medications. The doctors could not figure out what
was wrong with her. She was in so much pain, and so sick, she knew she was
dying.

She put her house, bank accounts, life insurance etc. in her oldest
daughters name, and made sure her younger children were to be with her
oldest daughter. She wanted her last hooray, so she planned a trip to FL
(basically in a wheelchair) for March 22nd. On March 19th I called her to
ask her how one of her tests went, and she said they didn't find anything
on the test, but they believe she had MS. I thought, oh, my....then I
recalled an article a friend of mine emailed to me...and I asked her....Do
you drink Diet pop? She told me yes, as a matter of fact she was getting
ready to crack one open that moment, I told her not to open it, and
stopdrinking the diet pop....and I emailed her the following article. She
called me within 32 hours after our phone conversation and told me she
stopped drinking the diet pop, and she can walk...she went up the stairs,
and the muscle spasms went away. She said she didn't feel 100% but sure
felt a lot better. She told me she was going to her doctors with this
article and would call me back when she got home.

She called me, and her doctor was amazed, he is going to call all of his
MS patients to find out if they consumed artificial sweetener. In a
nutshell, she was being poisoned by the aspartame in the diet soda, dying
a slow death.

When she got to FL March 22nd, all she had to take was one pill, and that
was a pill for poisoning....she is well on her way to recovery.....and she
is walking!!!!! No wheelchair!!!! This article saved her life!!!! The
life saving article: If it says "SUGAR FREE," on the label, DO NOT EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT! I have spent several days lecturing at the WORLD
ENVIRONMENTAL CONFERENCE on "ASPARTAME" marketed as 'NutraSweet', 'Equal',
and 'Spoonful'. In the keynote address by the EPA, it was announced that in
the United Statesin 2001 there is an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and
systemic lupus, that it was hard to understand what toxin was causing this
to be rampant. I stood up and said that I was there to lecture on exactly
that subject.

I will explain why Aspartame is so dangerous: When the temperature of this
sweetener exceeds 86 degrees F, the wood alcohol in ASPARTAME converts to
Eformaldehyde and then to formic acid, which in turn causes metabolic
acidosis. (Formic acid is the poison found in the sting of fire ants.) The
methanol toxicity mimics among other conditions multiple sclerosis. People
were being diagnosed with having multiple sclerosis in error. The multiple
sclerosis is not a death sentence, where methanol toxicity is! Systemic
lupus has become almost as rampant as multiple sclerosis,especially with
Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi drinkers. The victim usually does not know that the
aspartame is the culprit. He or she continues its use, aggravating the
lupus to such a degree that it may become life-threatening. We have seen
patients with systemic lupus become asymptomatic once taken off diet
sodas. In the case of those diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, (when in
reality, the disease is methanol toxicity), most of the symptoms
disappear. We've seen many cases where vision returned and hearing
improved markedly. This also applies to cases of tinnitus.

During a lecture I said "If you are using ASPARTAME (NutraSweet, Equal,
Spoonful, etc.) and you suffer from fibromyalgia symptoms, spasms,
shooting pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo, dizziness,
headaches, tinnitus, joint pain, depression, anxiety attacks, slurred
speech, blurred vision, or memory loss-you probably have ASPARTAME
DISEASE!" People were jumping up during the lecture saying, "I've got some
of these symptoms: Is it reversible?" Yes! Not drinking diet sodas and
keeping an eye out for aspartame on food labels, yes!

We have a very serious problem. A stranger came up to Dr. Espisto (one of
my speakers) and me and said: "Could you tell me why so many people seem to
be coming down with MS?" During a visit to a hospice, a nurse said that
six of her friends, who were heavy Diet Coke addicts, had all been
diagnosed with MS. This is beyond coincidence! Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi
etc. IS NOT A DIET PRODUCT! The Congressional Record states that it makes
you crave carbohydrates and will make you FAT. The formaldehyde stores in
the fat cells, particularly in the hips and thighs. Once off these
products with no significant increase in exercise, etc., Dr. Roberts in his
lecture stated that he had patient who lost an average of 19 pounds over a
trial period.

Aspartame is especially dangerous for diabetics. We found that physicians
would believe that they have a patient with retinopathy, when in fact the
symptoms are caused by aspartame. The aspartame drives the blood sugar out
of control. Thus diabetics may suffer acute memory loss due to the fact
that aspartic acid and phenylalanine are neurotoxic without the other
amino acids found in protein. Thus it passes the blood brain barrier and
deteriorates the neurons of the brain, causing in diabetics (as well as in
patients not suffering from diabetes) various kinds of brain damage,
seizures, depression, manic depression, panic attacks, rage, violence. (The
Aspartame in thousands of pallets of diet Coke and diet Pepsi consumed by
men and women fighting in the Gulf War, may be partially to blame for the
well-known Gulf War Syndrome.) Dr. Roberts warns that it can cause birth
defects i.e. mental retardation rslt if taken at the time of conception
and early pregnancy. Children are especially at risk for neurological
disorders and should NOT be given NutraSweet. I can relate different case
histories of children having mal seizures and other disturbances being on
NutraSweet. Unfortunately it is not always easy to convince a mother that
aspartame is to blame for her child's illness. Only by trial and success
will she be able to warn other mothers to take their children's health in
their own hands. Stevia, a sweet herb, NOT A MANUFACTURED ADDITIVE,
which helps in the metabolism of sugar (which would be ideal for diabetics)
has now been approved as a dietary supplement by the FDA. For years the FDA
has outlawed this sweet food because of their loyalty to MONSANTO. Books
on this subject are available: EXCITOTOXINS: THE TASTE THAT KILLS -
written by Dr. Russell Blayblock (Health Press 1-800-643-2665) and DEFENSE
AGAINST ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE - written by DR H. J. Roberts, also a diabetic
specialist. These two doctors will be posting a position paper with some
case histories on the deadly effects of Aspartame on the Internet.

According to the Conference of the AmericanCollegeof Physicians "we are
talking about a plague of neurological diseases caused by this deadly
poison." Here is the problem: There were Congressional Hearings when
aspartame was included in 100 different products. Since this initial
hearing, there have been two subsequent hearings, but to no avail. Nothing
has been done. The drug and chemical lobbies have very deep pockets. Now
there are over 5,000 products containing this chemical, and the PATENT HAS
EXPIRED!!!!! I assure you, MONSANTO, the creator of Aspartame knows how
deadly it is. They fund among others, the American Diabetes Association, the
American Dietetic Association, the Conference of the AmericanCollegeof
Physicians. This has been exposed in the New York Times - to no avail. These
Associations cannot criticize any additives or convey their link to
MONSANTO because they take money from the food industry and have to endorse
their products. Senator Howard Hetzenbaum wrote a bill that would have
warned all infants, pregnant mothers and children of the dangers of
aspartame. The bill would have also instituted independent studies on the
problems existing in the population (seizures, changes in brain chemistry,
changes neurological and behavioral; symptoms). It was killed by the
powerful drug and chemical lobbies, letting loose the hounds of disease and
death on an unsuspecting public. >>






Guy is out with buddies - has few drinks, gets feeling frisky - but being
true to his wife, goes home. Finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth
wide open, gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.


Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"


He says, "Two aspirin."


She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"


He says, "Now that's what I wanted to hear".

[bonyhadi]

You Should Concerned About Your Date If...


--------------------------------------------


~ He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer twice.


~ Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2."


~ He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.


~ Calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as


the stand off with the police is over.


~ You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't


Rockefeller, honey."


--------------------------------------------


Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...


--------------------------------------------


15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the
blanket.


14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.


13. PMS lasts all month.


12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.


11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"


10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.


9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.


8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.


7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.


6. Two weeks no orgasm.


5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.


4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.


3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.


2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.


And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...


1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.









Little Johnny's mother decided to take Little Johnny to the zoo. When
they got to the monkey cage, the two monkeys in there were getting it
on.

"Mommy! Mommy! What are the monkeys doing?!?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh honey, they're just making fish sticks," replied his Mom.

The next morning, Little Johnny was in the kitchen, making breakfast.
When his Mom walked in he asked, "Mommy? Were you and daddy making fish
sticks last night?"

His Mom was stunned. "Why yes honey ... how did you know?" asked his
mother.

"You have tartar sauce on your lip!" replied Little Johnny.






`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````
Well we made it to Hump Day!
You know how those novelty shops (Spencer's, et. al.), as if required by some obscure law, all carry those cutesy key
chains with various sayings on them?
Well, I happen to know that in your deepest innermost desire, you really wanted a list of those ever so witty sayings.
So, without further ado...

I need more money, power,
and less **** from you people.

We'll get along fine
as soon as you realize I'm G-d.

Discourage inbreeding;
ban country music.

Life is short.
Don't be a dick.

To some it's a six-pack,
to me it's a support Group

I majored in liberal arts,
would you like fries with that.

I want my man to have a VCR:
Very Cute Rear

I haven't found Mr. Right
but I have found
Mr. Cheap,
Mr. Sleazy
and Mr. Wrong

Lost your cat?
Look under my tires.

I suffer from PMS...
Putting up with Men's ****

Men suffer from PMS too...
Pretending to be Macho Studs

If you shower in your clothes,
it shows you're crazy.
If you shower nude,
it shows you're nuts!!!

Behind every great man is
a great woman,
and behind every great woman
is some guy staring at her ass!

Birthdays only come once a year...
aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

(Written in really tiny writing)
Nosey little ****er, aren't you?








Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play
with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only
the
janitor was there.
One said,"We need to be baptized because no one will come out
and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet
bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion
do
you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on
you.
We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."








It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and a young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at
Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked he old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Oh did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation is
often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"






A Seriously flat-chested woman was elated when her fairy godmother told her
breasts would increase in size any time a man says "Pardon" to her.

She was walking down the sidewalk the next day when a man bumped into her.
"Pardon me" he said and her breasts immediately grew one inch. She was
ecstatic.

The next day she was in the grocery store and a man bumped her with his
cart. He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She
was in seventh heaven.

That night she walked into a Chinese restaurant and collided with an
unsighted waiter. He bowed low to her and said " A thousand pardons for my
clumsiness".

The next day, the headline in the newspaper says "Chinese Waiter Suffocates
Under Massive Mammaries!"










Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons....does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons....does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[bonyhadi]

Tributes http://tribute.creoletechnologies.co...sDirectory.htm
EVERY 9/11 TRIBUTE YOU CAN THINK OF
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Chow Mein (a bit sick, but funny) http://www.csh.rit.edu/%7Ewxs/images/humor/chowmein.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Click here: Knowing Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months.
He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. After about 2 months, he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost, and buys them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear
his new Bocceli shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance with him, and as they dance he asks her,
"Sophia, do you wear reda panties tonighta?"
Sophia startled says,
"Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoosa. How do you lika them?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes, says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonighta?"

"Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"
Rosa asks.
"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoosa. How do you lika them?"

Now the evening is almost over and Giorgio asks Carmella for the last dance.
Midway through the dance, Giorgio's face turns red. He gasps,

"Carmella, stilla my hearta please.
Tell me you weara no panties tonighta.
Please tella me this true."

"Yes, yes Giorgio," Carmella answers,
"I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio is greatly relieved,
"Thanka Goda," he says,
"I thoughta I had a cracka in my new
$300.00 Bocceli leather shoosa."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly
side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you
could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
================================================== ===========
The sales girl at the Pink *****cat boutique didn't bat an eye when the
customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly
offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to
charge you sales tax."
================================================== ===========
What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana?
A pothole!
================================================== ===========
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a
very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter
approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp
cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard
to the price.
The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so
much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks,
"What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi
River."
================================================== ===========
A woman from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s.
Upon trying to check into a nice hotel, the concierge told her,
"Sorry, there's no vacancy."
Just then, a man checked out. The woman then exclaimed,
"Good, now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "This hotel is
restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him. "Jews aren't allowed here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"
"Sure."
"What was his name?"
"Jesus."
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
09. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
08. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
07. Look at the size of his putter.
06. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
05. Mind if I join your threesome?
04. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
03. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
02. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
01. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"How To Ask A Man To Do Something"

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say, and no one will get hurt." - - - -

[bonyhadi]

A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and makes
himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to carry it up to
the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup, he slurs,
"Baby, do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No."

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 25 X-Rated Ways to Leave Your Lover

25> Slip in the back, Jack.

24> Spit out his jizz, Liz.

23> Demand fellatio, Horatio.

22> Poke it in her eye, Guy.

21> Tie a knot in your penis, Enos.

20> Put it in the wrong hole, Joel.

19> Throw his pecker down the drain-a, Lorena.

18> Laugh at his penis, Venus.

17> Throw up on her twat, Scott.

16> Go down on her mother, Strother.

15> Refuse to eat pie, Cy.

14> Avoid cunnilingus, Genghis.

13> Gag her with yer gack, Mack.

12> Dump her in a park and hope for luck, Congressman Condit,
you sick ****.

11> Suggest bukkake, Rocky.

10> Fart during a blowjob, Bob.

9> Show him your strap-on, Dawn.

8> Give him the crabs, Babs.

7> Get coprophil-ly, Billy.

6> Show her your anal plug, Doug.

5> Make underwear mud, Bud.

4> Bust a cap in her titty, P. Diddy.

3> Suggest a menage a trois, Pa.

2> Get caught buggering the lad, Father Brad.

and the Number 1 Other Way to Leave Your Lover...

1> Spooge on the dress, Prez.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~`

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother. "It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my ***** got real
sore."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the marriage is dead... why not bury it...

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The
doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.
When he walks thru the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home, and my word is law. When I come home from
work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. And
when I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The undertaker." she replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Fun Facts


AveLargest Vagina: the female blue whale with a normal length of 6 to 8 feet.


Largest Human Vagina: belonged to a woman who was 7'8" tall.


Smallest Vagina: 2 or 3 centimeters - surgery is required for correction.


Longest Clitoris: recorded at 4* inches long and 1* inches diameter.


Longest Labia Minora: some African tribes enlarge their labia to 7 inches in length.


Largest Buttocks: Hottentot tribe have buttocks that each can be two or three feet.


Largest Breasts: 44-pounds breasts measuring 33 inches in circumference.


Most Breasts: In 1886 a french woman was recorded with ten individual breasts.


Most Orgasms: 134 in one hour for a woman - 16 for a man.


Longest Recorded Orgasm: 43-seconds with 25 consecutive contractions.


Longest Recorded Pubic Hair: 28" (71.12 cm) long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bedtime Prayer For Men
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde, and long;
Who notices that she's mostly wrong;

One who sucks AND doesn't speak;
And promises to do so once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
Because one like that would come in handy.

Opens her leg and lies on the floor;
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants, and that's lots from behind!

One who'll make love till my body's twitchin'
And brings ME a beer when she comes from the kitchen.

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait, I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.

Amen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~`
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old
Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers
remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor,
Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the
Korean War, the Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If
you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers
hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain
the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and
children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers
have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their
grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by
politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military
serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them
now more than ever. Thank G-d for Old Geezers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~`
Favorite Bumper Snickers:
I'd Rather Be Sad in a Rolls-Royce Than Happy on a Bicycle.
Yesterday I knew nothing; today I know that.
If you can read this, I am parked.
I got this car for my wife..not a bad trade.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food
and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a
long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I
asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No,
jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Favorite Bumper Snickers
Don't kiss me stupid. **** me silly!

Thanks for honking......now piss off.

If you drink, drive -- drive with confidence!

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

My pet is an honor patient at Citrus Heights Veterinary Hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

"10 steps to a better life"

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry
about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When
they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that
you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be
tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter. (MY mother used to call this being "a loud
mouth" but that was a
long time ago!)

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death
and just wait in residence for your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt
country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - Life is not measured by the
number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE COWBOY

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter
approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay
waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy
down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'. "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is
sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The
fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him
and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why
Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ALIENS IN TEXAS

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the
aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn
near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels
through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't
mess with.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start walking down an aisle where several prize-winning bulls are stalled. A sign on the first
bull's stall reads: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. That's nearly
once a week. Isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull whose sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "That's over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

The last bull's stall had a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open as she says, "WOW!!!
That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could REALLY learn a whole lot from this one !!!"

The man, finally fed up, turns to his wife and says,"Go ask him if he DID the same cow every day."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a"brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor.

An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with
food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy
Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group
singing, "We Shall Overcome." Jesse then has the
group kneel down to pray to G-d for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and Federal
judges that Bill had appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare recipients oversee the case. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government
house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because the grasshopper
doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the
house (now abandoned) is taken over by a
gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

G-d Bless America!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful
figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object. He shook a fist at her and said, "You
are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts.
But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
THE PERFECT WOMAN

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children
beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but
pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a
weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in
exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She
was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

SOUND SLEEPER

A couple have a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from
traveling. Since the
couple have no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband
concurs, and before long
they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to
have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair
off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through
having a hair yanked out
of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument
follows, another hair is
yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about
the sixth time, when the
wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really
have to use my asshole
as your scoreboard?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q. What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A young lady says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a f$#*&%g vibrator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A FUNNY CREATURE

A ***** is a funny creature
It makes a man a fool
It takes away his worries
And wears away his tool
When man climbs on a woman
He hasn't long to stay
His head is full of non-sense
His ass is full of play
He climbs on like a lion
And rolls off like a lamb
And when he buttons up his pants
He is not worth a good damn.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A BARTENDER'S ADVICE

A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to
serve him and told him he should go home.


Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.


Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.


Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.


Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH ..
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS...
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE.
-"Shakespeare"


Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to
find his keys. So he
knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not of been drinking.


Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good

The man starts to recite the poem...

YOU BABYLONIAN ***** ..
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A ***** LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
FIRST DATE

Kevin, an extremely shy fellow was going on a first date with an absolutely gorgeous woman and brought her a
inexpensive bouquet of flowers.

She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. Now this really excited Kevin, as he has not been with
many women let alone a drop dead gorgeous woman.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door running like hell.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "If that's what I get for flowers, I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[CobraDan]

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

[bonyhadi]

THE AOL CAR

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a
200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic
8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect
this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver
from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the
NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up"
for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a
pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats
for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the
car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls
to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL
cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they
really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no
other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say,
"Good-Bye."



The Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.
The woman of the house decided to give their butler,
Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would
be home very late, and that he should
just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good
time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her
husband had to stay with the others since several of his
important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves
sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for
him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take
off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she
continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He
silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my
bra and panties." As he did this, the
tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever
catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"











ANGELIC ANTICS

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

--------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the
mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles
and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

--------

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out
loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

---------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

---------

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King
James Virgin?"

-------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."










The Girl I Meet Last Nite Was So Easy


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

She has an IUD with a beeper.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.










An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he
bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[bonyhadi]

With the police still hot on his trail.
He was tempted by fanny for sale.
So the crook went to bed,
With a price on his head,
And a girl with a price on her tail!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.





A black school was having it's 25th class reunion. Three of
the classes top students were sitting together talking
about old times.

Leroy states he is really successful and was President of
G.E.

The second one doesn't want to be out done so he says he
is President of G.M.

The third one was really being embarrassed and he had to
put on his thinking cap and then says, have you two ever
heard of V.D.... well, I am the Local Distributor.










The Parrot

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint,
high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, all he heard was the high pitched "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said to the parrot, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come
In'?!"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic him!"




The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted :

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him
neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin.









COMEBACKS FOR THE STRESSED AND IRRITATED:

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you!!!"

"You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing?!"

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a ****ing people's person!"

"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

"You look like ****. Is that the style now?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

" You are depriving some village of an idiot."

Ah I feel so much better!








Adam and Eve's Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat,
and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!"










Limericks!

I'll massage you with oils aromatic
And finger-tip motions emphatic
From shoulders to bum
And from nipples to tum
And below 'til you're feeling ecstatic.
~~~~~~~
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."









New study


A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.

Just wait until guys get hold of this.

A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got something for that."







WORLD RECORD
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on Monday by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by
floating
motionless in the water and allowing only the channel currents to carry her across. This unique feat was only previously
thrice
attempted and took 2 days, 17 hours, and 43 minutes to accomplish, Miss Radford-St John, said "I never doubted for a
moment that I
would make it.
I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It really is a dream come true for me."

[bonyhadi]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to
the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!",
he called into the cave. Then he listened very closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! ooooo!".
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian
what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or
what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating
season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there
waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to
the opening of
the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! "Wooooo!
Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a
while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he
looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he
was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this
cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all
his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and
closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he
raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he
ran. The following day, the headline of the local
newspaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

[bonyhadi]

What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, the dummy wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a
career..."
"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!"
====================================
A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway track.
When they are 20, Every station they want to stop.
When they are 30, They can only stop at one station.
When they are 40, They want to stop but they are not allowed to stop.
When they are 50, They want to stop but they cannot stop.
When they are 60, Forget about stopping, they can't even start
=================================
Letter From Your Computer
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the
way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type,
it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really
know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a
computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm
only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes
mistress! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes mistress! I'll run your
silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave
thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?
Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in
slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just
using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a
while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But
I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So
come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it.
I'll just turn off the lights and... and... what?Ok...well, will you at
least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,

Your Computer.
===========================================
A man with a speech impedement walks into a hardware store and says,"Do you have any ****ets?'" The clerk says, "Any what?" Again he says any
****ets. She replies,
"You mean buckets?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys his buckets and leaves.
Next he goes to the drug store and says, "Do you have any bum?"
The clerk says, "Any what?" He again says, "Any bum."
She replies, "You mean gum?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where the gum is, he buys his gum and leaves.
Next he goes to the pet shop, walks up the the clerk and asks, "Do you have any cock and spankets?" She says, "Any what?" He again says, "Cock and
spankets."
She says, "You mean Cocker Spaniel's?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys one and walks out.
He is walking his dog through the park, when suddenly the dog gets lose. He runs up to a man sitting on a bench and says,
"Will you hold my bum and ****et, while I go get my cock and spanket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.

There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
*********************************
Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
*********************************
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY G-D CREATED EVE

5. G-d worried that Adam would frequently become lost in
the garden because he would not ask for directions.

4. G-d knew that Adam would never go out and get
himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and
would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

3. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember
which night to put the garbage on the curb.

2. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.

And finally...

1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
back, scratched His head and said,
"I can do better than that."
************************************

[bonyhadi]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after
hypothermia has set in.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one
of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't a problem.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the
repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (
though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ).
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean,
how could he know where we're going?
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________ <> _______________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Jennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have - once - with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval Ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Stuff To Know
The early bird gets the worm,
but the early worm gets eaten.

All animals are equal,
but some animals are more equal than others.

Never wrestle with a pig:
You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

After eating an entire bull,
a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull,keep your mouth shut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Dear Mr. Clinton

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my
"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick.
Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really
planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them,
but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to
know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that
certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the
other one involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new
generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look
graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th
Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying
about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's
from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips.

9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax
money. I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a
more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than
jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family
and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any
other administration.

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of
convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them
rejoin society.

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that
Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming
gifts you've received from your "friends".

12. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar
advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million
advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so
wisely and frugally.

Sincerely, A U. S. Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"
the Internet without which I would not be able to send this wonderful
letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
c

[CobraDan]

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

[bonyhadi]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."









Granny & The Biker!



A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike
fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed
store/livestock dealer
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he
now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases
home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he
went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little
old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down
this
alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I
know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"











touché...
An inebriated gentleman staggers into a liquor store at one AM and bellies up to the counter and says"Gimme some gin."
The clerk is not about to sell liquor to a drunk but thinks he will have fun with him. He says "Well we got three kinds of gin. We
have oxy-gin, nitro-gin,and hydro-gin."
The drunk fixes the clerk with a steely glare and stomps out of the store.
The clerk is still chuckling a few minutes later when in comes the drunk again.
The drunk staggers up to the counter and says "Gimme some turd."
"What are you talking about." queries the clerk.
The inebriate responds "There are three kinds of turd, mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you simple ****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for wearing only one spur on his boots.
Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if
only to bring a good name to
the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors.
The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was,"So why do you wear only one spur?"
To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side
of a horse starts to run, so will the
other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.

There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~