Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful
figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object. He shook a fist at her and said, "You
are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts.
But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
THE PERFECT WOMAN

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children
beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but
pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a
weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in
exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She
was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

SOUND SLEEPER

A couple have a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from
traveling. Since the
couple have no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband
concurs, and before long
they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to
have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair
off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through
having a hair yanked out
of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument
follows, another hair is
yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about
the sixth time, when the
wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really
have to use my asshole
as your scoreboard?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q. What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A young lady says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a f$#*&%g vibrator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A FUNNY CREATURE

A ***** is a funny creature
It makes a man a fool
It takes away his worries
And wears away his tool
When man climbs on a woman
He hasn't long to stay
His head is full of non-sense
His ass is full of play
He climbs on like a lion
And rolls off like a lamb
And when he buttons up his pants
He is not worth a good damn.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A BARTENDER'S ADVICE

A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to
serve him and told him he should go home.


Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.


Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.


Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.


Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH ..
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS...
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE.
-"Shakespeare"


Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to
find his keys. So he
knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not of been drinking.


Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good

The man starts to recite the poem...

YOU BABYLONIAN ***** ..
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A ***** LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
FIRST DATE

Kevin, an extremely shy fellow was going on a first date with an absolutely gorgeous woman and brought her a
inexpensive bouquet of flowers.

She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. Now this really excited Kevin, as he has not been with
many women let alone a drop dead gorgeous woman.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door running like hell.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "If that's what I get for flowers, I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[CobraDan]

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

[bonyhadi]

THE AOL CAR

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a
200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic
8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect
this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver
from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the
NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up"
for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a
pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats
for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the
car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls
to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL
cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they
really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no
other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say,
"Good-Bye."



The Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.
The woman of the house decided to give their butler,
Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would
be home very late, and that he should
just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good
time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her
husband had to stay with the others since several of his
important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves
sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for
him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take
off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she
continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He
silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my
bra and panties." As he did this, the
tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever
catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"











ANGELIC ANTICS

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

--------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the
mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles
and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

--------

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out
loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

---------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

---------

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King
James Virgin?"

-------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."










The Girl I Meet Last Nite Was So Easy


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

She has an IUD with a beeper.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.










An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he
bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[bonyhadi]

With the police still hot on his trail.
He was tempted by fanny for sale.
So the crook went to bed,
With a price on his head,
And a girl with a price on her tail!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.





A black school was having it's 25th class reunion. Three of
the classes top students were sitting together talking
about old times.

Leroy states he is really successful and was President of
G.E.

The second one doesn't want to be out done so he says he
is President of G.M.

The third one was really being embarrassed and he had to
put on his thinking cap and then says, have you two ever
heard of V.D.... well, I am the Local Distributor.










The Parrot

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint,
high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, all he heard was the high pitched "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said to the parrot, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come
In'?!"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic him!"




The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted :

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him
neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin.









COMEBACKS FOR THE STRESSED AND IRRITATED:

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you!!!"

"You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing?!"

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a ****ing people's person!"

"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

"You look like ****. Is that the style now?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

" You are depriving some village of an idiot."

Ah I feel so much better!








Adam and Eve's Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat,
and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!"










Limericks!

I'll massage you with oils aromatic
And finger-tip motions emphatic
From shoulders to bum
And from nipples to tum
And below 'til you're feeling ecstatic.
~~~~~~~
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."









New study


A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.

Just wait until guys get hold of this.

A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got something for that."







WORLD RECORD
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on Monday by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by
floating
motionless in the water and allowing only the channel currents to carry her across. This unique feat was only previously
thrice
attempted and took 2 days, 17 hours, and 43 minutes to accomplish, Miss Radford-St John, said "I never doubted for a
moment that I
would make it.
I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It really is a dream come true for me."

[bonyhadi]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to
the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!",
he called into the cave. Then he listened very closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! ooooo!".
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian
what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or
what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating
season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there
waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to
the opening of
the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! "Wooooo!
Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a
while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he
looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he
was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this
cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all
his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and
closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he
raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he
ran. The following day, the headline of the local
newspaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

[bonyhadi]

What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, the dummy wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a
career..."
"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!"
====================================
A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway track.
When they are 20, Every station they want to stop.
When they are 30, They can only stop at one station.
When they are 40, They want to stop but they are not allowed to stop.
When they are 50, They want to stop but they cannot stop.
When they are 60, Forget about stopping, they can't even start
=================================
Letter From Your Computer
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the
way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type,
it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really
know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a
computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm
only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes
mistress! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes mistress! I'll run your
silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave
thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?
Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in
slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just
using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a
while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But
I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So
come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it.
I'll just turn off the lights and... and... what?Ok...well, will you at
least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,

Your Computer.
===========================================
A man with a speech impedement walks into a hardware store and says,"Do you have any ****ets?'" The clerk says, "Any what?" Again he says any
****ets. She replies,
"You mean buckets?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys his buckets and leaves.
Next he goes to the drug store and says, "Do you have any bum?"
The clerk says, "Any what?" He again says, "Any bum."
She replies, "You mean gum?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where the gum is, he buys his gum and leaves.
Next he goes to the pet shop, walks up the the clerk and asks, "Do you have any cock and spankets?" She says, "Any what?" He again says, "Cock and
spankets."
She says, "You mean Cocker Spaniel's?" He says, "Yes." She shows him where they are, he buys one and walks out.
He is walking his dog through the park, when suddenly the dog gets lose. He runs up to a man sitting on a bench and says,
"Will you hold my bum and ****et, while I go get my cock and spanket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.

There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
*********************************
Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
*********************************
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY G-D CREATED EVE

5. G-d worried that Adam would frequently become lost in
the garden because he would not ask for directions.

4. G-d knew that Adam would never go out and get
himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and
would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

3. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember
which night to put the garbage on the curb.

2. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.

And finally...

1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
back, scratched His head and said,
"I can do better than that."
************************************

[bonyhadi]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after
hypothermia has set in.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one
of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't a problem.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the
repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (
though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ).
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean,
how could he know where we're going?
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________ <> _______________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Jennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have - once - with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval Ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Stuff To Know
The early bird gets the worm,
but the early worm gets eaten.

All animals are equal,
but some animals are more equal than others.

Never wrestle with a pig:
You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

After eating an entire bull,
a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull,keep your mouth shut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Dear Mr. Clinton

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my
"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick.
Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really
planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them,
but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to
know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that
certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the
other one involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new
generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look
graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th
Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying
about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's
from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips.

9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax
money. I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a
more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than
jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family
and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any
other administration.

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of
convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them
rejoin society.

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that
Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming
gifts you've received from your "friends".

12. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar
advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million
advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so
wisely and frugally.

Sincerely, A U. S. Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"
the Internet without which I would not be able to send this wonderful
letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
c

[CobraDan]

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

[bonyhadi]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."









Granny & The Biker!



A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike
fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed
store/livestock dealer
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he
now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases
home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he
went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little
old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down
this
alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I
know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"











touché...
An inebriated gentleman staggers into a liquor store at one AM and bellies up to the counter and says"Gimme some gin."
The clerk is not about to sell liquor to a drunk but thinks he will have fun with him. He says "Well we got three kinds of gin. We
have oxy-gin, nitro-gin,and hydro-gin."
The drunk fixes the clerk with a steely glare and stomps out of the store.
The clerk is still chuckling a few minutes later when in comes the drunk again.
The drunk staggers up to the counter and says "Gimme some turd."
"What are you talking about." queries the clerk.
The inebriate responds "There are three kinds of turd, mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you simple ****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for wearing only one spur on his boots.
Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if
only to bring a good name to
the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors.
The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was,"So why do you wear only one spur?"
To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side
of a horse starts to run, so will the
other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.

There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Stroll with Me...

Stroll with me.... close your eyes.... and go back...before the
Internet...before bombings, aids, herpes, before semi-automatics and crack...before SEGA or Super Nintendo... way back!

I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop...about
hide-and-go-seek; Simon says and red-light-green-light. Lunch boxes with a thermos ... Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy
from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, jacks and Cracker Jacks, hula hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and
mustaches, Mary Jane's, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.

Remember when it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids arrived home from
school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair
done everyday and wore high heels.

Remember running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins.
Watching Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran and Ollie, Spin and Marty...Dick Clark's American Bandstand .*. all in
black and white and your Mom made you turn it off when a storm came.

Remember when around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees, making forts,
backyard shows, lemonade stands, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy,
angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing
so hard that your stomach hurt. Remember that?

Not stepping on a crack or you'd break your mother's back...
paper-chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington, the smells of school, of paste and Evening in Paris.

What about the girl who dotted her i's with hearts? (that was before that stupid smiley face)! Remember the Stroll, popcorn balls and
sock hops? Remember when there were just two types of sneakers for girls and boys - Keds and PF Flyers, and the only time you wore
them at school was for gym. And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking -- all for free -- every time! And, you didn't payfor
air either, and you got trading stamps to boot!

Remember when laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When it was considered a great privilege to
be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When the worst thing you could do at school was flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the gym or the lunchroom and you danced
to a real orchestra.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed - and did!

Remember when being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!

But we survived because their love was so much greater than the threat.
Remember when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car -- used to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, scratch off or watch the submarine races?
Remember when people went steady; and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss, or yarn coated with
pastel-frost nail polish so it would fit their finger. When no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the
car, in the ignition, and the car and house doors were never locked!

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with
no adults needed to enforce the rules of the game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect
stranger.

And, with all our progress, don't you just wish, that just once you
could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of today?

Remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The
Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk...

As well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling, visits to the
pool... and eating Kool- Aid powder with sugar from the palm of your hand.

There, didn't that feel good? Just to lean back and say: "Yeah...I
remember......."

[bonyhadi]

DOCUMENTARY REPORT

A famous reporter was doing a documentary on the customs of the American Indians. After a tour of a reservation that they were on, she
asked a young Indian what was the significance and major differences in the number of feathers on the head dresses that they were
wearing. The young Indian who only had one feather on his head dress replied, "ME ONLY HAVE ONE WIFE, ME HAVE ONLY ONE
FEATHER."

She asked another young Indian, feeling that the first Indian was only joking. This young Indian had four feathers on his head dress. He
replied, "OGH! ME HAVE FOUR FEATHERS BECAUSE ME SLEEPS WITH FOUR WIVES."

Still not very convinced about the number of the feathers actually indicated the number of wives involved. She decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which needless to say, amused the reporter. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so
many feathers on your head dress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "ME CHIEF! ME ****-EM ALL, BIG, SMALL, FAT, TALL, ME ****-EM ALL!!!"

Horrified, the reporter stated, "You ought to be hung!!"

The Chief replied, "YOU DAMNED RIGHT, ME HUNG......BIG LIKE BUFFALO. LONG LIKE SNAKE!!!"

The reporter cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "HORSE-STYLE, DOG-STYLE, WOLF-STYLE, ME ****-EM ALL!!!"

Tears in her eyes, the reporter cried, "Oh dear!!!"

The Chief protest, "NO DEER, ME NO **** DEER, ASSHOLE TOO HIGH AND ****ER RUN TOO FAST, ME NO **** DEER!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
DADDY LONGLEGS

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy
handed in his slip
and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a woman?
A: Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SO HAPPY

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please
her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young
Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and she let out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
FATHER JOHN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do
whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between
his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of the Lord would soon swell my heart
with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GENERIC NAMES

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and
so on.

The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.
Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
RECENT TECHNOLOGY

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of
a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The
patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

--- Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.

~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes; Mum: never complains

~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 600 quid to fix the hole your wife kicked in the
dashboard of your SUV.

~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."

~ Finally, size really doesn't matter.

~ "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying
attention...I'm sorry..."

~ Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

~ Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, G-D! YESSSSSS!!!!

~ In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal Remote now
has a new button: "Big O."

~ Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back
of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to
shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to
inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the
deck and in her butt was was a pearl worth $30,000 . . .please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
TRIVIA
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until youwould find the
letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers & laser printers all have in
common?
A. All invented by women

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more long distance phone calls on this day than any other day of the year.
What day is it?
A. Mother's Day

Q. There are more collect phone calls on this day than any other day of the year. What day
is it?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's teacher ask him to use a sentence with the word Roach in it.

"The Cockroach ran across the floor" replied Little Johnny.

"No," said his teacher: "Repeat the sentence and leave the Cock out"

"Ok....The Roach ran across the floor with its Cock out." replied
Little Johnny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

RECIPE FOR MAKING LOVE

INGREDIENTS:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

DIRECTIONS :

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to
knead milk containers

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing
bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably
NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana
doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing
bowls.

NOTES:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash tensils
carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town. ASAP
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm,"
says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's really heavy," said the vet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, & diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten & buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in
Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with braille lettering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into
the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines. Dad: now surfs with two remotes;
Mum: never complains
She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 600 quid to fix
the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."
Finally, size really doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."
Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O." Men no longer feel any responsibility toward
satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~`
The Top 15 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tips

15> This fall, dress up that plain old orange jumpsuit with a do-rag
dyed with some ink you boosted from the license plate shop.

14> A shiv makes an excellent olive pitter. And vice versa.

13> Looking for the perfect tassels to accent your "Home Sweet Home"
macramé? Try using your ex-lawyer's testicles.

12> Rat skins can be used to make adorable little bedroom slippers.

11> It's a good idea to have an adequate supply of your own blood stored
in dated Zip-Loc bags. You can keep them cool in your toilet tank.

10> Remember: On the right of the metal dinner tray, place the salad
shank and the shrimp shiv.

9> A sock filled with rocks and tunneling dirt can produce a festive and
functional blackjack that can knock the eyebrows
off a rhino.

8> Save your teeth after prison yard beatings to string as garland
during the holidays.

7> You can make a decorative and functional toilet cozy by using the
carefully peeled skin of the stoolie who ratted you out.

6> Floating worthless stock certificates in the toilet turns the water a
pretty shade of blue.

5> When cell space is severely limited, body cavities offer excellent
supplemental storage spaces for small but highly
valued heirlooms.

4> A simple wall calendar comes in handy for keeping track of which Big
Mama owns you this week.

3> A pinch of Windex can spruce up even the blandest jug of toilet wine.

2> A gentle soaking in a solution of vinegar and mineral water will take
the smell out of most contraband.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tip...

1> Nothing says "home" like a bologna welcome mat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The Tax Poem

TAax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays,
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke.
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax his booze, tax his beers.
If he cries tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes he has no dough.
If he hollers tax him more,
Tax him until he's good an' sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod on which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Gun-Toten-Granny"THIS IS A GREAT STORY. I COULDN'T PASS UP SENDING IT.

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old
granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down -- and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week
hunting those men down, and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne
police investigator Evan Delp.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:
'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both
his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former
prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way
he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive
after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was car-jacked and raped in broad
daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's
face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the law
would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a
gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning
one."

Using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven
days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering
their flophouse hotel. "I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to
Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the
minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em
most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down
to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, and
she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison," Det. Delp said, "especially when 3 million
people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I am woman, hear me roar
[ ...if you don't open my door.]

I can do anything that a man can do
[ ...but I don't want to!}

Oh The female sex has a lot more class
[ ...except when we're looking at a male stripper's ass!]

I am a 21st century woman
[ ...but I can't set my VCR.]

Well I'm not your hooker
[ ...but you're still going to have to pay me.]

cause sex is a very special thing
[ ...and a darn good weapon.]

because my body belongs to me
[ ...until I get dinner and a movie.]

And I don't sleep around
[ ...until I do a credit check.]

I have a mind of my own
[ ...which I change every 2 seconds.]

'And I'm not too proud to ask for directions
[ ...cause I can't read a map.]

And I stand behind my man
[ ...so I can nag him as much as I can!]

and I can fight in combat
[ ...but I can't kill a spider.]

Now I never tell a lie
[ ...but I will fake an orgasm.]

I am the real McCoy
[ ...except for my boobs and my face.}

I still get all hot and sweaty for
[ ...the opening of a new shoe store.]

And I am very proud of my age
[ ...which is none of your %@&% business!]

[bonyhadi]

Sex Quiz.....

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the
microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. when they have been in your wallet over 10 years

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children and it is accepted
b. they just have natural rhythm whatever that means
c. the Bible does not permit television specifically
d. they're just lucky or maybe unlucky or not careful

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tire store d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this sex toy & where has it been?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

=============================
An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to
talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the
blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
======================================
Southern California Freeway Schedule Monday...............SMALL ARMS ONLY: .38 CAL. & under
Tuesday..............LADIES SHOTGUN DAY
Wednesday.........MEN'S LARGE CALIBER-SCOPED RIFLES ONLY
Thursday.............AUTOMATIC WEAPON DAY
Friday.................CANNON & BAZOOKA DAY: HAND GRENADES OKAY
(MORNING ONLY)
Saturday.............MEN & WOMEN'S OPEN: COMPETITION FOR PRIZES
(MOST CARS, HIGHEST TOTAL VALUE)
Sunday...............GUN CLEANING: OFF DAY-SLINGSHOTS, SQUIRT GUNS
GESTURES OF PROFANITY, NO THROWN OBJECTS.

IF YOU'RE PLANNING A TRIP TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, PLEASE ARM YOURSELF ACCORDING TO THE
ABOVE SCHEDULE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL SUSPEND YOU FROM FREEWAY USE. VIOLATIONS WILL
RESULT IN REVOCATION OF USE OF FREEWAYS AND PERMANENT PLACEMENT ON A LOS ANGELES RAPID
TRANSIT DISTRICT BUS.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY AUTHORITY

1-800-SUR-SHOT L.A./LONG BEACH.................1-213-TAR-GETS
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY......1-818-BUL-LETS
ORANGE COUNTY.................1-714-HAN-GUNS
SAN DIEGO...........................1-619-WEA-PONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.

When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your
respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."

The girl gets up and start to get dressed.

He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~HOW ARE MEN BETTER~~~

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for
her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can
do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator
buy the next round of drinks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
~~~CAN I HELP YOU~~~

A city boy ventured out and bought himself a farm house. He needed some
animals for the farm, so he inquired at the neighbor's place. The old
farmer agreed to sell him some animals, so they made their way to the barn.
The city boy pointed and asked, "What kind of animal is that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, that's a cock, but you city folks call it a rooster."
The city boy decided to take one of them, and then pointed to another animal.
The farmer replied, "Well, that's a pullet, but you city folks would
call it a chicken." The farmer continued, "I reckon you're gonna need a
hard working animal to help you with the chores, so I'll sell you this
ass, or as you city folks call it, a mule."
The city boy agreed to purchase the mule as well. Then, as he was
leaving with his newly purchased animals, the farmer said, "By the way,
the mule might be stubborn on occasion and lie down on you. But, if you
scratch his belly, he'll get up."
On his trek home, the city boy noticed a beautiful girl approaching.
Suddenly, the mule fell down on top of the city boy. The girl hurried
over to him and asked if she could help.
"Yep," exclaimed the city boy, "you can grab my cock and pullet while I
reach around and scratch my ass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WRONG BUS~~~

A woman gets on a city bus early one morning on her way to work. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride
is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus
was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if
the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the
ballpark..."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt
as she left the bus?" The driver continued, "She replied, 'Oh ****, I'm on
the wrong bus!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by sausage
sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato
sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing
them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might
have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sand shoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not
be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced
to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the
development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may
all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself,
but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens
when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend
all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down
to the nearest large- denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still
believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon.
You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to
the car, you are not trying.
24. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard,
or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back yards are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of
the local mayor.
26. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as
in America, but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
28. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will
always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most
conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
is "being made on my mobile".
32. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that
the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says
"cobber".







Women can be nasty at times (only when provoked!!!)

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[trctrdrvr]

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barranged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[trctrdrvr]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere,your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, " No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"

[bonyhadi]

You know you're getting old when

you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm
===============================================
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until
at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon
just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided
to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your
remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there
are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but
us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
================================================== ====
500 thousand Americans now have genital herpes. This is not to be
confused with facial herpes. If you get it on yer face, it's herpes
simplex, but if you get it down "there" it's herpes complex. If you get

it both places it's herpes duplex. There are various strains of the
disease, such as whorepes, which is transmitted by prostitutes who
don't bathe regularly. It is sometimes confused with hopis, which you
can get from certain Indians.
Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of
twerpes.
And if you make love to a person who works at a Sno-Cone stand, you may
get a case of slurpes. For those who are vegetarians, just remember
that sleeping with a green giant could give you Le-Sueur-peas; and
kissing a canary can cause a bad spell of chirpes.
================================================== ===========
The definition of a Jewish menage a trois?
Two headaches and a hard-on.
=================================
What's better than hugging a doggie?
Kissing a *****!
===========================================
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so
they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for
the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person
to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two
people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll
officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an
Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal
Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they
laid off the night watchman.
==================================================
More things you will never hear a man say.

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at
them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
===============================
Ken was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the
doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There
stood a gorgeous young woman.
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong
house."
"Young lady, you may be at the right house," Ken assured her. "But
you're forty years too late."
==================================================
Blonde Moments!

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer

say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park...........", then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
============================
Oldie And A Goodie!

Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla,
"How do you spell "dumb"?
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d,
stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla sayss
"Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good.
=========================

[bonyhadi]

THE ELDERLY WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here, please."
====================================
The Reunion...
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact
that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the
only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me,and said, "You're the only one who has to."
==================================
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear.
His wife told him to hurry, or they would be late for the party. She was walking downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her feet were a big old
floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes.He also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass. Pull twice and I come."
=============================
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think
we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
================================
Q: Do you know the difference between mayonnaise and semen?

A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your throat at 35 MPH
~~~~~

Mary Mary quite contrary, Shave your bush it's so damn hairy!
~~~~~
After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant,
he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a *****?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat.

He then asked "What's a *****?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a *****?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a
porno and circled the area between a woman's legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a *****?"

His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle".
===========================
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The
friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his
pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."
============================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You"
or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
==================
Harry and his blonde wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front
of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I guess some things will never change. I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave. Trying to
arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.

The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

The temp shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
==========================
What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
"We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a girl from Madrid
Who swore that she'd never been rid
Then in came an Italian
With a cock like a stallion
And rode her like Billy the kid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Good working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
It stays up as long as you don't **** with it.
================
Two older people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES
SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,

"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
==========================