Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

[petek]

Teaching Math in 1950's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970's:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990's:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Match in 2000's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

[CobraDan]

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year-old
woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[CobraDan]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After
that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

[CobraDan]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about puss*, and their bitc*. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a puss*?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a puss*."
the son then asks "What's a bitc*?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitc*."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a puss*?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a puss*!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitc*?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[Stan Brown]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......Take me.... young man... Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...

And that's when I shot the Son Of A *****!

[Dave Samson]

A young white trash couple are having sex in a muddy corn field
one evening. The fellow asks, "Honey, could you check to see
if it's in you or if it's in the mud???" She reaches down and
checks. "It's in the mud," she tells him. "Well,... could you
put it back in???" She puts it back in and they continue having
sex for a while before he asks again, "Honey, could you check to
see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???" She checks again
and says, "It's still in me, big fella!!!"

"Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud, please???"

[G.R.]

For Jamo

A ventriloquist is on his way cross country for his big debut in Las Vegas. It's been a few days since he has practiced.
Somewhere in New Mexico alongside the highway he spots a sheepherder. Thinks to himself think I'll try here. Pulls off the road and drives up to the sheepherders wagon.
There's a horse tethered to the wheel and a dog sitting near by.
As soon as he pulled up to the wagon the sheepherder steeped out.
"what you want?"
"nothing really my friend. Just wanted to stretch my legs and talk a bit"
"Don't much like talking"
"Ok, then do you mind if I talk to your horse and dog?"
Looking at the man like he was nuts the sheepherder says "Man they don't talk."
"well can I try?"
"Hokay, but they don't talk"
The ventriloquist then talks to the horse
"so how's it going ?"
The horse answers "not so well, that big dude on the steps, he climbs on my back every day and makes me carry him all over the damn place, it's hot , I'm tired and it goes on and on. That guy needs to lose some weight, my back's killing me."
The sheepherders eyes grow wide and the ventriloquist looks at him questionaly. The sheepherder just shrugs his shoulders.
He then questions the dog.
"dog, so how's this guy treat you?"
Ah man, that guy gets me up at all hours of the day and night and makes me run all over the damn place, in the heat of day and the cold of night while he sits in the damn wagon or on the horse--I'm sick of it."

By this time the sheepeherder is utterly dismayed.

"man" says the sheepherder "don't talk to the sheep 'cuz they LIE"

[bonyhadi]

Why Sheep Are Better Than Women


1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and
then tell you they have to be home early.
8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when
you tell them.

[BO DUTCH]

bonyhadi,

But there are a lot of folks who have a hard time selecting a
good looking ewe, ya know, most of em is UGLLLLY !!!!

[xlr8or]

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man,
very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on
his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth,
head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning
softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to
try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man
again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to
him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours
buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

[xlr8or]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary, who was a blonde, for some mathematical
help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University
of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

[xlr8or]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is
a
guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter asks the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the
minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says to the minister, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets
a
silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people
slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[xlr8or]

Dear Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment of
the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. And,
we sincerely appreciate that you've already copied Hillary.

As part of the Administration's Liberal Empathy Training Program, you'll be
pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee
under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to
your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant
to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It
will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct
weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually
being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that
do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative,
although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely
remedied.

Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised
efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling
and home schooling.

He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human
life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest
that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge
party. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your
maid's daily routine.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does
not play well with others".

Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,
assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should
help with your water bill.

Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.

You take good care of our detainee now.

George

[xlr8or]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother
bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the
floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the
dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your
man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she
emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit
dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a
thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed
away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "**** woman!" as he stepped further away. "If
that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't
want to throw any meat at it!"

[xlr8or]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an
interest in the activity going on next door and started talking
with the workers. She hung around and eventually the
construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important. At the end of the first week they
even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank
the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a
construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever
bring us the ****in' drywall," replied the little girl.

[xlr8or]

Subject: Got kids?

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For
those
who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house

4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman

cape. But it is strong enough, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on
all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times

before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even if TV commercials show they

do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

[xlr8or]

First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and
said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw tobuild my
house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
Holy
****! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes

[CobraDan]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison.

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
were sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of
the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared that he was
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his
bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just
cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you,
just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I
love you."

The wife responded, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're
right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck, he was
whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if
we keep the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."

[CobraDan]

Wrong Email address


A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE, ABOUT TO TAKE THEIR VACATION TOGETHER, WERE FORCED
TO BY THEIR JOBS, ARRIVE AT THEIR VACATION SITE IN FLORIDA A DAY APART.

THE HUSBAND, WHO ARRIVED FIRST, DECIDED TO SEND AN E-MAIL TO HIS WIFE FROM
THE HOTEL. HE SENT THE E-MAIL EVEN THOUGH HE WAS UNSURE OF THE EXACT
ADDRESS.

MEANWHILE, A FAMILY IN A SMALL TOWN SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA HAD JUST LAID THEIR
ELDERLY FATHER TO REST THE PREVIOUS DAY. HIS WIDOW, THE GRANDMOTHER, WAS
CHECKING HER E-MAILS FOR SYMPATHY CARDS, WHEN HER CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN
HEARD A LOUD SHRIEK. THEY RUSHED INTO GRANDMA'S ROOM AND FOUND
HER INSENSIBLE ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER.

THE E-MAIL THEY SAW ON THE SCREEN READ: " DARLING, I JUST ARRIVED! I AM
LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. BOY! IT SURE IS HOT HERE!"