Joke of the Day...

[Leo]

but recieved this in an email from my sister:


Axis of Evil: Having an Axe to Grind

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Greater Evil," which they said would be far more evil than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics. Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[ERA535]

Leo, that is funny!

[CobraDan]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesn't show up.Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter
Peter,something or other...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the
girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your
brains out!" To that, LittleRed Riding Hood calmly reached into her
picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
f----- Goofy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.

[CobraDan]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom &Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

[CobraDan]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

[Dave Samson]

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning World War 3" And the guy says,

"Really? What's gonna happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Arabs and one
bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Arabs!"

[Dave Samson]

A man in Paris almost got away with stealing several paintings from an art museum. After plotting the crime, breaking into the museum, avoiding security, sneaking out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[Matt M FFR 1502]

Aw geeze...Samson, sorry we have to report that one to a moderator! Matt

[Dave Samson]

Matt F,
Is that a bad habit that you guys in Folsom have picked up ?

[CobraDan]

If Clinton gets impeached he will be the first president to....
Get blowed out of office.
Do you know what the FBI discovered the stains on Monica's dress actually were?
A wad of Bill's.

What's Clintons new nick name?
Drippy Dick

What did the Chinese Premier say to Clinton as he boarded Air Force One to leave China?
Rotsa Ruck on your next erection!

Clinton has recommended to the Olympic Committee a new event exclusively for US Presidents and Sportscasters
Broad Jumping.

What did Hillary Clinton change her name to?
Sharon Peters

What is Bill Clinton's favorite slogan?
Give me liberty or give me head!

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
Sat on the Presidential Staff

What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.

How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
It Takes A Village

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
Swallow the leader

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle

Whats Lewinsky's favorite bird?
The swallow

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Why did Clinton cross the road?
To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Why did the intern cross the road?
To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
1.Head Intern
2.Under Secretary
3.Missionary

What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
Deep Throat

What is Clinton's favorite toy?
An Erector Set

What is Clinton's favorite card game?
Poker

What is Clinton's favorite food?
The Cumquat

What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
Leave it to Beaver

What's Clinton's favorite song?
Grooving

What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
Lays

What is Clinton's Favorite Presidential Act?
Edict

What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
The Dick-taphone

What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
Because he is so good at say, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke.

Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
He likes to take a lot of strokes.

Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
He is trolling for interns.

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.

Whats Clinton's Economic forecast?
A Bare Market

What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
Tounge Twisters

What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
Tounge Sandwich

What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at revlon?
He knew she would be good at making things up.

Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
The Sear Sucker Suit

Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
She wanted to get ahead in the world.

What does clinton do fist thing in the morning?
Read the HEADlines

How many White House interns does it take to satisfy clinton?
Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common?
Both get scooped regularly.

How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
Hot with Whipped Cream

Whats Clinton favorite place in the White House?
The Oval Orifice

What magazine does Clinton hate?
WIRED

What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
Don't Tripp

What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
What A Bad Tripp

What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
Tricky Dick

Whats the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a quebec Hydro tower?
A quebec Hydro tower comes down occassionally

What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
Both were Pricked.

What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Is the President having sex with Tipper Gore?
No, but by this time next year she will be having sex with the president.

What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
Goats don't talk

What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?

What did monica say when the FBI ask for the Dress?
Come and get it.

What was clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.

How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common?
They both blew it.

Why does Clinton wear boxers?
To keep his ankles warm.

What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?
Sore knees.

Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
So he could play that Hoarmonica

Did you hear about the 11th comandment Clinton introduced?
Thou shallst not expose thou rod to thy staff

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
CHELSEA

What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
The President after Bush

What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
My Taste For Power

How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
His lips are moving

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A dog chases his own tail

What is Clinton's codename?
The Unibanger

What do you call Clinton's fly?
U.S. Open

What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
Lorena Bobbitt

Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year's tax returns (Last year it was only $1.00)
Because The condom prices have gone up!

What is the difference between the president and the titanic?
They know exactly how many people went down on the titanic.

When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
I haven't come across your face.

What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
NOW she decides to open her mouth

What does Bill think the "new" fishnet stockings are called?
Intern-net

What is the new job Clinton gave Monica on his cabinet?
Secretary of Affairs

Did Bill ever use viagra when he was having his sexual relations with Monica?
Yes, he did. Viagra makes you fat. Why do you think Bill is losing weight and Monica is gaining it!

What is the comparison between Monica and Chelsea?
They are always down on all fours.
They both enjoy a good cigar.

What's the name of Monica's new book?
It takes a spillage.

What happened when Monica went riding with the indian in his car?
A blown injun.

What do Monica Lewinski and a Pepsi machine have in common?
They both have a place to insert Bill.

What do Bill Clinton and the R.M.S. Titanic have in common?
They both lost a lot of sea-men.

What are the top two universities providing White House interships?
Moorehead State and Bringham Young.

Whats The Difference between monica lewinski and a mosquito?
When You slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

Why doesnt Chelsey Clinton have any brothers or sisters?
Monica Lewinsky swallowed them all.

What's Clinton's worst nightmare?
Vampire interns

[Turk]

I thought you might have wondered where and how yodeling began. Well, I found out and I’m about to share it with you.

The History of Yodeling

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

"Perhaps he is hungry." said the daughter. And she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed
she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour! Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he
leave without even saying bye," she cried, "after we made such passionate love last night?"

"What?" shouted the farmer and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out:
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

TURK

[CobraDan]

A man is driving down the Highway, When he see's a sign...."Oranges ANY FLAVOR 3 MILES AHEAD"
He keeps driving and see's another sign that says.."Oranges ANY FLAVOR 1 MILE AHEAD"
He gets to wondering and so pulls over at the Orange stand.
The man behind the counter says.."Can I help you?"
The driver says.."Yeah...your sign says Oranges any flavor. How can that be?"
The man says.."Pick a flavor and I gaurantee you, I have a Orange for it"
So the driver says.."Ok..Watermelon"
The man takes a Orange off a shelf and hands it to the driver. The driver bites into it and says.."WOW..Watermelon..How can this be?"
The man says .."pick another flavor make it a hard one" So the driver picks Peanut Butter and Jelly.
The man takes a Orange off the shelf and hands it to the driver. The driver bits into it and says.." It taste like Peanut Butter.." The man says.."Turn it around" So the driver turns it around and.."WOW..JELLY!"
"You can make millions with this...It's amazing"
The man behind the counter says..."OK..One more..This time make it REALLY REALLY hard."
So the driver thinks and thinks and says.."Pu$$y"
The man again gets a Orange off the shelf and hands it to the driver....the driver bits into it and says..."YUCK..Taste like sh!t!"
The man says..."TURN IT AROUND!!!!!!!"

[CobraDan]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son " .

[CobraDan]

The Most Functional Word is....
Well, it's sh!t........That's right, sh!t!
Sh!t may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can be sh!t faced, sh!t out of luck, or have sh!t for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your sh!t together, find a place for your sh!t or decide to sh!t or get off the pot.

You can smoke sh!t,
buy sh!t,
sell sh!t,
lose sh!t,
find sh!t,
forget sh!t,
and tell others to eat sh!t and die.

Some people know their sh!t, while others
can't tell the difference between sh!t and shineola.
There are lucky sh!ts,
dumb sh!ts,
crazy sh!ts
and sweet sh!ts.

There is bull sh!t,
horse sh!t and
chicken sh!t.

You can throw sh!t,
sling sh!t,
catch sh!t,
shoot sh!t,
or duck when sh!t hits the fan.

You can give a sh!t or
serve sh!t on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep sh!t
or be happier than a pig in sh!t.

Some days are colder than sh!t,
some days are hotter than sh!t,
and some days are just plain sh!tty.

Some music sounds like sh!t,
things can look like sh!t,
and there are times when you feel like
sh!t.

You can have too much sh!t,
not enough sh!t,
the right sh!t,
the wrong sh!t or
a lot of weird sh!t.

You can carry sh!t,
have a mountain of sh!t,
or find yourself up a sh!t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh!t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh!t and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your
sh!t, you don't need to know anything else

[Chad Johnson]

Ole's Dead - Associated Press:

Those in Minnesota may not know this but Ole was
shot. He was up with his 4-wheeler cutting some trees by the Canadian border. Some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him and, using the loudspeaker, shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back "OLE...BIN LOGGIN'!"

[Chad Johnson]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she again asks if he would like something "How about a bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins, or maybe a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "Nope, it's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's! really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[CobraDan]

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March........"

[CobraDan]

Subject: the Friendly Skys??
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Fort Myers Airport on it's final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into Fort Myers. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I
hope you enjoyed your stay in Fort Myers." He forgets to switch off the
intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The Co-pilot says to the pilot, " Well, Skipper, whatcha gonna do in
Fort Myers?"
Now all ears are listening to their conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a
crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the
one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine her and dine her, take her back to
my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get
to
the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and down she
goes. The old lady leans over and says" "No need to run, dear, He's gotta
take a sh!t first."

[chopper]

30 YEARS DIFFERENCE

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The Perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Getting a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Cisco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the driver's test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

[Rick Lyons]

FRENCH JUDGE GIVES TALIBAN WIN
Afghan Fighters' Artistic Impression Marks Mysteriously Higher

Salt Lake City, Utah (SatireWire.com) — Despite making what most observers agreed were "obvious technical errors," such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.


The decision snatched triumph away from a U.S./U.K. pair who lost agreed put on a magical, career-defining performance last month. It also stirred an immediate controversy, as analysts questioned how five judges — from France, Russia, China, Poland, and Ukraine — could have scored the Taliban higher than the American/British fighters.
"When the Americans and British finished, I thought, 'That's it. They've won,'" said Abdur Muhammed, a former Syrian general and now color commentator with Al Jazeera. "But when I saw the scores last night, frankly, I was embarrassed for our profession."
However, a defiant Marie-Reine Le Gougne, the French judge who marked the Taliban a 5.9 out of a possible 6.0 for artistic impression, insisted the Afghan regime was much more eloquent.
"Hiding in caves, fighting with inferior weapons, the maneuvers they attempted were clearly more difficult," said Le Gougne. "And artistically, they were much more graceful, particularly with their hands."
"But their hands primarily went up," responded CNN military color analyst Gen Wesley Clark..
"Yes, but they were very fluid movements," Le Gougne answered.
That explanation only heightened calls for reform in warfare judging, and by today, pressure was mounting on the International Warfare Union to at least declare the U.S./U.K. duo as co-winners.
Taliban leader Mullah Omar, however, defended the scoring. "I don't see what the debate is about," he said. "Victory goes to whomever pleases the judges. We fought beautifully and deserved this win."
While clearly devastated, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to be drawn into the debate. "War is subjective. It's judged," he said. "As soldiers we have to be happy that we did our best, and put this behind us."
British Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, however, hinted the U.K. may consider retiring from war. "When you work so hard to make your dreams come true, only to have them snatched away like this, it's... it's disillusioning," said Hoon, as he buried his face in his hands. "I only hope our judges return the favor the next time France competes."